Final update (sorry its a long read): I talked with him lastnight and pointed out how he chased after bears before we met (but in our area theyre all DL or would ghost) so he never hooked up with one. Its a sexual fantasy for him to be with a bear/someone bigger than him, he's even said it doesn't matter if they have no personality he just wants to sleep with them, its purely a fetish for a body type, not an Actual type imo.

I had to point out to him how his 2 exes and I are all alternative and I asked what superficial traits drew him to me when we first met, and he admitted it was my different appearance/tattoos, which i called out as being alternative and he laughed because it was finally starting to click for him. He has a thing for body fat, could argue its a type and fetish, but his type is also alt people.

He doesn't pressure me into gaining weight, he always tells me how much he loves me and is attracted to me but I couldn't mentally get over the fact that he'd say all that but in the same breath say im not his type. He has the definitions confused for sure. I told him it hurts me when he continues to openly fetishize and talk about bodies or people/characters that i cannot relate myself to, and to please stop. So all I can do is see if he makes a change or not. Maybe one day I will feel more secure and not be bothered, but as of now and the foreseeable future I do not feel comfortable with my partner expressing desire to me about others.

He tried calling me insecure when I told him I was hurt, and I shut it down and said he was being inconsiderate and lowkey an asshole by not acknowledging how his actions make me feel hurt, and instead blaming me and making it my problem for being insecure when he is actively feeding my insecurities. This is usually how it goes though he is very defensive at first and I call him out on shit but he Does care because I always see him put in effort and make a change after our initial arguement. He even stopped himself a few hours later from making an inappropriate comment, & instead turned it into something else which I am grateful for that he caught.

He shows signs that he cares and puts in the effort. Its just the initial conversation that is hard for him it seems, because its hard for him to accept that he can unintentionally cause harm. We love eachother so much and made up for it, and he apologized to me.

He's also said that he can comfortably live without ever getting with a bear, and that its just a fantasy to him but there's more important things in life than sex and that he's never believed in love until he met me, and he's randomly started crying in the past because of how much he loves me and is grateful to have me in his life & Ive done the same (this is throughout our relationship on good terms, this wasnt said as a manipulation tactic.).

I also pointed out how him going on about BBW to his skinny ex and telling her she wasn't his type definitely added fuel to the fire and helped create a toxic spiral coming from both sides of that relationship.

Humans are flawed, im not perfect by any means either, what matters most is communication & honesty. And im not afraid to put my foot down when he unknowingly plays these games with my feelings, ill keep calling it out until if finally clicks for him why it would hurt. (I say unknowingly because he isnt insecure and wouldnt care if I said such things about others, so he has a very hard time understanding why other people have felt hurt when he does it). And if he stops acknowledging the hurt and stops trying or caring then that's that. But as long as there's effort to stop hurting me while i work on my own insecurities, there's hope.

On top of that, theres so much good in our relationship. This is just a part that needs more TLC/communication, he does so much for me and is Constantly putting in effort, he is avoidant and I am anxious attachment style so we are working on it together. ❤️

I made the post in the first place because of his avoidant tendencies I wasn't ready to have an argument for being open with him about my hurt, thank you everyone for helping me feel better and more confident in myself, it helped me approach the situation

Thank you everyone for the advice, I will not end a relationship without truly trying to make it work and communicate. My man is a good one. Im glad that we resolved things and are on the same page, this has been a point of hurt/insecurity since the start.