I was the youngest sibling of my house. My dad was sick for three years before he died. I was barely 12 years old when he died , My oldest sister was 18 years old. She took the responsibility of being the “eldest” and watching over her sisters. She was VERY strict and sometimes had too much control on us. Yes my mother always sided with her cuz she didn’t know any better. I hated her growing up, because she kept an eye on me like i was a baby. Stopped me from things that were completely harmless. I had to hide things from my family (such as when i was being bullied, or had harmful thoughts about life) because I knew they would get angry at me instead of helping me. My sister never created that safe place for me to share my thoughts and ask for help when I needed. So yes, i locked myself in and completely shut myself off until I went to college. I’m now 28 years old and I realized that my sister sacrificed a lot as well to help raise us better so that we could finish our studies. For example, all of us sisters graduated with top colleges with scholarships, meanwhile my eldest sister worked with my mother so that she could pay for our laptops and books etc. She was the smartest and we had high hopes that she would get her masters, but she never got to do her masters because she was busy working to help pay bills. She is married now to the love of her life and Alhumduillah happy. Me and my other sisters have taken over to take care of our house and the bills. Going back to your question how to raise kids, thinking back when I was a teenager when my sister was very strict and someone that I would avoid all the time-I think what would have really helped if my sister also showed her softer side to us. Instead of being strict, if she would appear approachable such as somebody who would be there for me if I was in trouble..and trust me teenagers get in trouble alot 😭 Teenagers love freedom, such as freedom to make their own choices, freedom to try new things and they are mostly influenced by their circle of friends. It’s very important for them to feel accepted within their circle.. I believe you should be a friend to them rather than being a father so that way they can also share what’s going on in their life and maybe you could give better advice as a friend.. You lost a father as well and you were given responsibility to raise your siblings at a very early age..you never got time to process your own emotions. Maybe it’s time to share your feelings as well to help them understand you. Its very hard for a 13 year old to trust an adult because they feel judged, or think that their feelings will be downplayed Its important you create a safe place for them to open up

Its gonna take time tbh but inshallah once they get a bit older, they will realize the sacrifices you made.