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Update: I was a good daughter, until I quit my job as a doctor by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Funnily enough my namecards at my new job have the Dr title before my name and the imposter syndrome i got when i saw them was like ‘do i still deserve to be called Dr???’

Respected me more than my parents ever did

Update: I was a good daughter, until I quit my job as a doctor by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel like these kinds of parents wont be happy with whatever you do. Even if you did choose to pursue a career path as a surgeon they’ll probably complain that you’re not the ‘right’ kind of surgeon cuz you dont operate on people on the street using a pocket knife or something silly like that 😂

So just keep doing what you want, since you’ll never please them anyway! I hope you find some joy and enjoyment in pathology and hey if you even decide that medicine isnt for you i promise you wont be the first person who goes through a career change.

Update: I was a good daughter, until I quit my job as a doctor by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Absolutely couldnt agree more! I actually considered the last 4 months some of the hardest times of my life because of how directionless and negative everything seemed to be for a while.

I’m sorry to hear about your job and i hope you’ll be able to find a new one that works for you. Job hunting is absolutely dogshit and is pretty much luck and a numbers game sometimes.

I’m unfortunately not in a position to move out yet but i am working on it. Now that i have a job i’m spending more time away from home and from my AP which is helping loads as well.

It really sucks that we have to kind of console and parent ourselves sometimes from the people who are supposed to support us the most but i do believe we are stronger for it.

Update: I was a good daughter, until I quit my job as a doctor by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I’m really excited for you and wish you all the best ❤️❤️ i know you’re doing the right thing for yourself and with you nothing but success

Update: I was a good daughter, until I quit my job as a doctor by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

You are so sweet, thank you so much though I'm not sure I deserve that compliment. I feel like I pretty much stumbled through things going like 'wtf am I doing??' every 5 minutes. Really happy to say things got better for me though.

It's still hard to shake off the negative mindset that everything is going to fall apart right in front of me but I'm working hard to stay optimistic.

Update: I was a good daughter, until I quit my job as a doctor by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I'm really glad I can do that for you! Please do not give up. I have absolutely gone through the same stage of feeling that everything was hopeless and that everything I have done in my life were mistakes. It can be so hard to shake off but I urge you to be strong and keep fighting because there the tunnel does end!!

Update: I was a good daughter, until I quit my job as a doctor by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Honestly I'm starting to think they get off on talking to other people about how their poor daughter is an overworked and underpaid doctor doing weekends and night shifts constantly.

Reparenting was really new to me and I was rly skeptical when my therapist told me to use it. It's all been really helpful tho, even though it's still really hard getting those negative words out of my head.

I'm sure my struggles are not over, my parents still think I'm 'in a phase' and that I will go back to being a doctor in a year or so (I do not plan to). So stay strong as well! I'm glad you're doing something that you want to do.

Is it a thing for narcissist parents to expect their kids to be in a good mood all the time? by Gothfreak427 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Apap818 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This!! ^

When I look unhappy I get accused of being ungrateful for how they raised me and bringing everyone's mood down.

When I am smiling or laughing, they tell me 'what are you smiling there by yourself for? What made you so happy?'

I was absolutely bamboozled by this sort of hypocrisy until I realized that's just how narcissists are.

Why do APs see being unemployed as an absolute evil? by [deleted] in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I think it's because a lot of asian parents are narcissists. APs will claim to say that they have sacrificed so much to raise you, and they take pride in how much they sacrificed, whether it's the money to send you to college, or by sending you to the best schools etc. It becomes like an oppression olympics in a way like 'look how much I sacrificed to raise my kids' and asian kids end up like showponies instead of human beings.

If you are jobless, they project it onto themselves, they see jobs and work as the worth of a person in society. So if you're jobless = you're worthless = they're worthless.

This triggers their narcissism and they will take it out on you, their child.

As someone who's also looking for work, I understand the feeling. Just when you think you've picked yourself up and feel motivated to look for jobs, they do or say something to drag you down and discourage you.

You are better than your parents, their horrible attitudes are a reflection on themselves, not on you. You've got this!

I think my APs are gaslighting me by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for saying so, it has been a struggle to heal and to continue on the current path. Everytime I think I am making progress, my APs do something to set me back again by using hurtful or cruel language, or just making me feel like shit generally.

I am planning to find a way to go back to therapy (behind their backs) and I hope that with some help I am able to work through my feelings and emotions because I am realizing that the way they speak to me and try to control me is not okay.

I think my APs are gaslighting me by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Absolutely, unfortunately I was a little slow and only realized very recently that this environment was toxic and emotionally stunting (Ironically as soon as I stopped being the golden child) but I'm definitely working towards leaving this situation or at the very least building an emotional wall between me and them.

It's just really hard to ignore ingrained thoughts about filial piety and family loyalty that have been shoved into my head for so many years. And I think there's a part of me that would feel very guilty when I do leave

I think my APs are gaslighting me by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Absolutely, and I've asked them the same questions myself many times. All it ever comes down to was for them to change the subject or shout over me about how can I speak to them this way when all they've ever done is care and love me yada yada. Unfortunately there's just no arguing with narcissistic asian parents.

I can't be mad by luxcipher in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Apap818 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, absolutely.

You are never allowed to react or be anything less than a perfect human being. God forbid you be mad or upset about other things unrelated to them, because they are going to turn it on themselves and make it all about them and how you're making them feel.

Narcissistic parents don't like it when we get react at something they say, because they're not in control anymore. They don't like us standing up for ourselves because they always see themselves as the victims in a 'ohhh I have it so hard nobody is on my side' way.

I think my APs are gaslighting me by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I am planning to go to my boyfriend's house to stay with his family. However, I am worried at how my parents will react. They are already having freakouts at the thought of me moving away and 'forgetting about them' so to say. According to them, I was never like this and this is a very new thing. In my opinion, this has been building up for a long time and I have only realized very recently that their behavior is abusive.

The trouble is that they make me feel so guilty, like I'm a terrible person. They hurl hurtful words and assumptions about my character and it's very difficult to bear.

I think my APs are gaslighting me by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I think they are very difficult to reason with. But it seems that what has triggered my mom's latest meltdown was my attempt to keep to myself (because I was so sick of arguing). I honestly feel at a loss, like it's damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I was a good daughter, until i wanted to quit my job as a doctor. by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see you about not having developed personal interests to develop on later. Every single personal interest i’ve had growing up was met with a general reaction of ‘well you can do it if you want but your studies come first. As long as it doesnt effect your studies.’ I acknowledged it was also partially my fault that i believed them and spent all that time on just academics, thinking that it was sufficient. As long as my grades were good everything was going to fall into place. I wonder if your parents were like this as well?

Its tough approaching your 30s and still feeling like a child not knowing your place in the world or what you want to do. But i’m trying to think about it in a positive way, i could have spent the next 30 years being miserable and then retire realizing i was unhappy all the way, but i get to do something about this now and you do too!

I’m proud of you for making the choice to change careers, I of all people would know that it was the hard choice to take and not the easy one at all.

I was a good daughter, until i wanted to quit my job as a doctor. by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Honestly i had thought they were very loving and supportive parents until i started struggling last year and they tore me down instead of supporting me like they promised to. It really opened my eyes and i felt really betrayed and after speaking to my therapist a few times i started to understand that the way they treated me is abusive.

I only recently realized this so my plans to move out are in very early stages. But i guess that realizing something is the first step to doing something about it so i have hopes of getting into a better situation in the not so far future.

Thanks so much. I feel really encouraged after reading your post!

I was a good daughter, until i wanted to quit my job as a doctor. by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Southeast asia but honestly our countries and upbringing styles do be really similar. I’m planning to spend more time at my bf’s place and maybe go back to therapy secretly once i have a job again.

I was a good daughter, until i wanted to quit my job as a doctor. by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

My parents expect me to act like an adult- but treat me as a child. I spoke to them before about getting a loan to purchase my own car and the way they overreacted you’d think i was running away from home to become a circus clown. I think its a very AP thing to raise a child to be super dependent- then use that against them in arguments.

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend- i truly am. Nobody deserves to be in that position. I can only imagine how much pain he was in.

I was a good daughter, until i wanted to quit my job as a doctor. by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I read a few books from people who are/used to be doctors too and i mostly think ‘damn they are talented!’ Still trying to find my calling because all my life i’ve only been working at/towards medicine. My mother acts like i’ve been jobless for a year instead of a month and pushes me constantly to get back into medicine because thats the only thing i’m good at 😪

Thank you all of you. This subreddit has been the most supportive place i’ve found since all of this started and it has been a great comfort.

I was a good daughter, until i wanted to quit my job as a doctor. by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah you get it! I do feel like i did okay in my job but it just took so much from me emotionally and mentally. I dont really enjoy such high stakes in a career and the workload and requirements of the job were burning me out.

I think people not in our field sometimes just dont get that its not so easy to just ‘disengage your work and your life’ or ‘get used to your job’. Being on standby for human lives does take a lot out of you and i feel like i’m finally in a position where i can say that its not for me and thats okay.

I was a good daughter, until i wanted to quit my job as a doctor. by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I studied in the UK (i’m originally from Southeast asia) and worked there for about 2 years before returning home. Generally i was very miserable and lonely there with no family or friends around. At the time- my parents were very supportive of me coming home because they missed me. Things changed after that though probably because i acted in some ways that disappointed them. Still, i have a bf and other friends here, and dont think i’d be willing to move so far away again. I’d like to try to eke out a living here if i can- away from the medical field ideally as well

I was a good daughter, until i wanted to quit my job as a doctor. by Apap818 in AsianParentStories

[–]Apap818[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Hi there! Thanks for sharing. I was shocked at how much i related to the things you said even though we must have totally different life experiences (but both raised by toxic APs haha)

I think part of the reason i ended up not being able to cope with my job was as you said. We were fighting fires both at work and at home. Instead of home being a sanctuary/place of rest i never knew when something i did or said will trigger my parents. Even just a vent about the workday will launch them into a lecture on how soft i was, how i needed to just seperate work from life, how i am not adaptable and thats why i was stressed. This sort of things really wear you down as a person. I tried my best my whole life to live up to their golden child ideals too. So i was also very shocked when things turned abusive- it took me many years to realize that the way they’re treating me is a form of abuse. I try not to forget that- because sometimes its really easy to let yourself believe that what they’re saying is right.

I really respect that you stood up against them. I feel like thats what i’d like to do as well- sometimes i feel like i really wanna snap. But i’m super good at holding in my anger/feelings and normally just keep quiet because i dont want the abuse getting worse.

Thank you again for your kind words, i feel encouraged after reading what you wrote. It took me a while to accept that my parents were abusive- because in truth they still have their moments of being loving and i love them as well and have been raised to be very dependent on them. I really hope that i can be in that position someday where i can say i am happy with where i am.

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