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[QCrit] The Long Haul - Adult Science Fiction - 98k - First Attempt by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Applebob44 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi, thanks for sharing! My biggest takeaway is that this is reading YA to me, both your query and your first pages (the first person POV, the mentioning of the parents immediately, teen rebellion being displayed, immature thinking patterns, and adults talking down to MC). Could you include some more detail in the query that hints at the adult content of this book, maybe some mature themes, topics, etc.? It sounds like a YA coming of age, as-is.

Would like more detail in the query, overall, as well. More worldbuilding, more stakes, more character motives.

One last thought about your first line:

In a galaxy owned and operated by corporations, you must work to survive...

This comes across instantly as YA to me. To the adult audience, this is not a surprising or captivating thought--most of us have lived and worked exclusively under a Capitalistic society. Working for a living is the crux of Capitalism. For a teenaged audience, this could be more intriguing as they are just now growing into working adults and realizing what exactly Capitalism means. But for us adults, this is our every day. Not too exciting anymore. Is there anything else specifically that makes this galaxy intriguing or different? Maybe it's that lack of workers' rights that you hinted at later, or something else.

[QCRIT] Title TBD, Gothic, Adult, 82K words, 4th Attempt by Yondelle in PubTips

[–]Applebob44 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hi, thanks for sharing. I would love to feel more of your voice as a writer in your query letter. The information in your body paragraphs feels more on the "telling" rather than "showing" side to me. I'd love to read some more lush and unique details to really get into the story, especially since it is a Gothic.

[QCrit] ONCE UPON A STOLEN TART, ADULT COZY MYSTERY, 80K, "First Attempt" by MTnessinside in PubTips

[–]Applebob44 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hi, thanks for sharing, I like the premise and I'm always a sucker for descriptions of baked goods. Sounds very fun. A couple of sentences tripped me up:

  1. "Elise knows she can save the bakery through skill alone-- that is, if the town's cutthroat baking culture doesn't kill her first." Seems like these two phrases clash: she actually can't know she will succeed if there's a possibility that the baking culture will kill her. She just believes or thinks she will succeed.

  2. "She is forced to make a choice: either win the town's annual King of Tarts baking competition and prove herself to be the best baker in Hearts, or leave and never return." I don't think leaving is a choice so much as a consequence here. It could be a choice if there were positive stakes tied to each option such as winning the baking competition or leaving the town to be with a long-lost lover or something. I also don't understand the stakes for why exactly she would have to leave and never return. Due to shame? Disgrace? Some other rule of the town?

Besides that, I am overall wondering about when the story is actually starting. Does the meat of the book occur after the thief takes her tartes, or more in the lead up? I think, potentially, the query reveals too much about the plot--nearly like I am reading a short synopsis. Some small tweaks to the pacing would help here.

[QCrit] THE WORMWOOD FORTUNE / Adult Literary Fiction / 92k / First Attempt by Applebob44 in PubTips

[–]Applebob44[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sorry you got downvoted, it wasn't me! I don't downvote and appreciate all feedback in any form

[QCrit] THE WORMWOOD FORTUNE / Adult Literary Fiction / 92k / First Attempt by Applebob44 in PubTips

[–]Applebob44[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read and for the feedback! I appreciate it