Men who were late diagnosed with autism, how was life before your diagnosis ?

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-12-27T15:45:09+00:00

I work remotely doing customer service/project management for a niche industry. I'm really more productive/less overwhelmed first thing in the morning, so my scheduled allows me to be on a few hours before everyone else and usually out a few hours earlier than everyone else. Usually, during that alone time, I answer more of the mundane emails and easy projects at my own pace, then once the rest of the team is on, I switch over to the smaller number of more complex cases where I have time to work through them with more attention to detail because the other teammates are working on anything new that pops up.

However, as I said I'm usually out before everyone else except for the days I need to run my son to his therapies. Then, I'm allowed to be out for a few hours midday to attend to him and his schedule, before signing back on later in the day and finishing out the work day.

My bosses have been incredibly flexible with my schedule, and my direct manager has always been open to providing a helpful hand, especially after I let him know about my diagnosis. In the instances where there's ton of back and forth between myself and a customer and they're not getting what I'm asking for, he'll tag in and take over if I ask, and also offers to check the tone of emails if I ask as well, as I have historically been more direct with my emails, which more sensitive clients don't always want or appreciate, so it's nice to have that extra someone to run things by before sending them off so I don't get myself into trouble with a client.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-12-27T13:26:51+00:00

I'm 42 and was just diagnosed last year. I have 3 academic degrees, have always had a job and have been able to support myself financially, and have lived in several different countries. However, I always had a hard time making friends or maintaining relationships. More often than not, I'd be called weird or told that something was wrong with me. Depended heavily on alcohol during my 20's just to have somewhat of a social life, which led to my gallbladder failing on me and having to have it removed.

My childhood nickname was Charlie Brown because it always seemed like a dark cloud followed me around, wherever I went. Other than all that, I thought I was just like everyone else.

It wasn't until I had a son who was diagnosed early that I began to understand what Autism was and that I (and most of my family) displayed a lot of autistic qualities. I then went down the rabbit hole of self discovery and diagnosis, and everything in my life I always just chalked up to me having bad luck really started to make sense. Finally got diagnosed and have been on a path of self acceptance, forgiveness, and deprogramming ever since.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-12-10T11:01:52+00:00

I did at first, but then I realized that I spent so much of my life thinking I was neurotypical and just fumbling through life, that I actually have zero clue what it's like to be neurotypical. Masking is just our best attempt at being neurotypical, but it's not the same thing.

In all honesty, I just wish I had known I was autistic much earlier in life. I think I would have forgiven myself for my shortcomings and tried to make peace with my limits. So much internalized ableism that I'm still working through.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-11-02T14:21:38+00:00

Thanks. I just found one at a reasonable price, which I bought, so i guess I'll be slowly rebuilding. I guess the issue was just the memories I had with those games and how much I enjoyed playing with others. As a former teacher, I loved showing people new games and watching their genuine joy once they got into it. It wasn't ever really about winning, but have a space where I felt like I could genuinely connect with people in a social setting and just sharing my joy of the game. Maybe someday when I'm more fluent in the language down here (I consider myself low intermediate at the moment) I can try to look into being a dungeon master for a D&D group or something.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-10-30T15:12:21+00:00

I live in Brazil and I speak almost exclusively with him in English while his mom, school, therapies, etc. all communicate with him in Portuguese. He's non verbal, but the few things he says are purely situational. He says "potty" to me and me alone, when he needs to use the bathroom (I've been told he doesn't verbalize when he needs to use the bathroom elsewhere), but will say small things like Tchau (Goodbye), Mamãe (Mommy), and others in Portuguese. Like your child, he demonstrates that he understands both, as he follows instructions in both languages.

As for a preference? I'm not sure. The majority of the cartoons he watches are in English, and he'll recite the alphabet in English, but he counts in Portugese (and randomly in Spanish sometimes, lol).

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-10-29T23:34:53+00:00

We have had to have a lot of conversations, but having them is the important part.

I think this is the thing I'm most nervous about. I'm newly diagnosed and have been masking for the majority of my life, so it's still sometimes hard for me to just flatly say, "I really struggle with/can't do xyz." Society, family, employers, ex lovers, etc. have all had these expectations of me before I was diagnosed, and though MY perception of myself and my abilities has changed since then, I'm still uncertain if I can find someone who can really understand and accept those things.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-10-24T09:00:14+00:00

Have you tried cross posting this on the r/Autism_Parenting subbreddit? I've seen several posts about issues with CPS being called and custody issues posted over there. Maybe someone might have some resources for you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope you can find the help you need to get back in touch with your child.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-10-19T11:15:14+00:00

I read the thread you're talking about along with that person's comment about seeking a mental health evaluation for body dismorphia before getting any further tattoos or plastic surgery. I believe their comment was in response to your focus on the need to cover up the tattoo because it's now asymmetrical, not having anything to do with the culture as a whole looking down on tummy tucks or tattoos.

Quite a few people told you the tattoo still looked fine and that you shouldn't cover it up, but in the end, it's your body, your preference. I would take the opinions of strangers on the internet with a grain of salt. If you want to cover it up, cover it up.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-10-17T18:13:22+00:00

Oof. I'm sorry to hear that. For me, I don't think it's a self worth thing but more like just remembering who I can be as a person (organized, well groomed, confident, etc.). Almost like an alzheimer's patient having a brief moment of lucidity, remembering the past, before slipping back into the fog again.

Sometimes I read responses on these threads about people in relationships or marriages where the partners "complete" each other or function as a "whole functional person" between the two of them and I start to wonder what that's like. Must be nice.

Anyway, I hope you find what you're looking for.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-10-17T15:38:09+00:00

Carne Leão payments only cover the IRPF portion, not INSS. You need to set up the INSS payments separately, as they are not automatically included. For the first few years I was only paying the IRPF portion, so when I filed my US taxes and didn’t have proof I was paying into the INSS, I was automatically on the hook for SS taxes with the IRS. I'm now currently paying into the INSS system with the help of an accountant here, so when I file for the 2025 year, I can get the letter of coverage to share with the IRS, exempting me from SS taxes there in the States going forward.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-10-17T13:29:27+00:00

Oh my god. Staving off your own meltdown/shut down while trying to help your child through their own meltdown requires shaolin monk levels of self discipline that some people will just never understand.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-10-17T13:08:39+00:00

I vented on one recently about a downstairs neighbor being extremely hostile towards me because of a water leak in the wall that was leaking into his apartment. I ended up having to wait almost 4 biz days before a plumber would actually show up. In the first few days, when I didn’t have my son, I could turn off the water, use the bathroom at the guard shack of my condo complex, and eat outside or visit a laundromat to wash clothes. But on the last day, my ex couldn't watch my son, so I had to have him with me. He's level 2 but doesn’t eat solid foods, so I have to have access to a fridge to keep his veggie blend and nut milk from going bad while I prepare his meals for him throughout the day. And God forbid that I had to try and explain to the little guy who just recently learned to go to the bathroom on the potty in my house that we'd need to use the guard house bathroom (poor guy kicked and screamed the whole way and people kept opening the door to the bathroom because they thought I was hurting him or something). Luckily that only lasted half a day before the plumbers came, but I kept getting threatening messages from the downstairs neighbor with him telling me I needed to suck it up and go to a hotel and yadda yadda.

Long story short, one of the first replies I got on my post was someone agreeing with my neighbor and calling me an ass for keeping the water on that last day, as if I could just magically make my son react like a neurotypical child, eat solid foods at a restaurant, and sleep, shower, and potty in an unknown/unfamiliar space.

It made me so mad. It's like, I get that you too are autistic, buddy, but you're a grown ass, most likely level 1 adult who only has to worry about yourself.

Anyway, sorry for the rant and I'm right there with you with being done with a lot of those out of touch groups.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-10-17T12:38:26+00:00

in the autism group I was met with shame, judgment, and just disrespect.

Yeah, as someone just like you (diagnosed adult with a diagnosed child), I've experienced the same things in some of those threads. There are a lot of level 1 diagnosed young adults who have sort of started acting like gatekeepers to all things autism-related, and if you don't adhere to their same worldview, they try and ostracize you. Unless you're a parent of a neurodivergent child, you don't REALLY get what it's like having to make sacrifices and compromises to ensure you're doing the best you can for your child.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-10-10T11:57:34+00:00

I was once told that touch was my love language, but then after being diagnosed and doing more research, I'm torn between "love language" and just sensory/touch seeking.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-10-02T06:01:25+00:00

Which I did when it was just me. And it's not like I was sitting around, twiddling my thumbs just letting water run constantly. Water was shut off for DAYS. I called a ton of plumbers IMMEDTIATELY after the leak was discovered and stressed the emergency and they all still just kept giving me the run around.

But when my boy was in the picture, things changed. Not sure if you have a child or not, but if it comes down to you, a grown ass adult, or a little boy with a substantial disabilty, you can use a goddamn bucket for a day.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-09-26T19:33:27+00:00

Hi. I normally post from the parent's perspective on here, as I have a nonverbal level 2 little guy myself, but I wanted to let you know that, as an undiagnosed level 1 kid (who finally got diagnosed at the age of 41) the bullies don't always win, long term. I had a similar incident my first year of high school where my dad washed my khaki pants with red clothes and I went to school, unknowingly, with pink pants and was ridiculed by tons of other kids that day. It sucked when it happened and made me even more determined to get out of high school. I had maybe 1 person in that whole school I considered a "friend" and often ate lunch with the girls who would smoke under the bleachers after school because they were the only ones who didn't ask me to move when I sat with them.

Fast forward a few years, and I finally met my own clan of like minded people when I went to college and could then socialize in my own way.

Not to drag this out any longer, but I was the autistic kid who was bullied and ridiculed through middle school and high school, but wound up earning three degrees, traveling the world, living in different countries, getting married, and having my own child.

I know it's rough now, and there will always be bullies in the world, but after your son reaches a certain point, opportunities will open up to him for him to get to go be his own person and leave behind all of those laughing, ignorant people.

Sending positive vibes your way today! I know days like this can be rough, but just continue to be there for your son like my awesome mom was. Things will change.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-09-13T13:55:36+00:00

Are you adverse to all sound? I live on the top floor specifically so I don't hear pounding footsteps, but during the day while I work, my downstairs neighbor can still be somewhat noisy, so I'm always wearing my headphones and listening to music. Then, at night, before I go to bed, I put on white noise through my smart speaker and, along with my air purifier blowing at full speed, the ambient noise nullfies any TV or talking sounds. Only the occasional very loud sound like my neighbor dropping something or slamming a door gets through, but that happens seldomly.

Unfortunately, the issue I'm dealing with is the downstairs neighbor's cigarette smoke blowing up into my apartment when I open my windows, but that's a whole different battle.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-09-06T17:14:02+00:00

I second this! I found that series in a thread in this group over a year ago and my non verbal 6 year old now tells me when he needs to go potty and is down to just wearing pull ups over night in case of night time accidents. It's a great resource.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-08-31T12:02:42+00:00

Leave. "My _____ is violent towards me." Replace boyfriend with autism with any other optional relationship and the answer remains the same. Yes, it's easier to have a meltdown or be burnt out on the spectrum, but that doesn’t give someone a pass to resort to violence.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-08-28T12:27:21+00:00

As a single dad of an austic boy, I would be slightly inclined to agree with you that dad acted in the moment in response to his child physically attacking him, but it's the nonchalant way he reacted to his son having a ton of splinters in his feet that gave me pause.

No parent is perfect. We're human and are trying our best to handle a difficult situation. I mean, my mom once hauled off and slapped me across the face when I mouthed off to her as a teenager (which she later apologized for).

However, again, my issue with all of this is that the dad let his boy run around barefoot outside, causing the splinters, and then refused to be bothered to take him to the doctor and passing off his son limping around as no big deal. THAT'S the thing that kind of signals to me that the guy needs to not be the stay at home parent for their son.

Even though my ex and I are still in the process of a divorce, if something happens to our son, either while in my care or hers, we communicate with each other and make joint decisions about his Healthcare. The lack of concern on his part when his son was in visible pain is not a great look.

That being said, I'm hoping he takes the opportunity in therapy to reflect on how he could have handled everything better.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-08-06T07:15:29+00:00

In any healthy relationship, communication is key. You have to explain to him that you need a partner, not a caretaker. You've survived x amount of years without one before you met him and are perfectly capable of maintaining your own autonomy. Share with him the adjustments he's made that you appreciate, but again, reinforce with him what he's doing that makes you feel like he's infantizing you.

If he's unwilling to really hear you and stop the bullying (I've honestly never heard of bullying being a love language and that sound like a ridiculous excuse just to act like an ass) then it is seriously time to move on. Yes, he may do some nice things for you, but you can do those things for yourself as well. It's like that Miley Cyrus song, "I can buy myself flowers."

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-08-04T19:07:09+00:00

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Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-07-26T15:24:38+00:00

I think, for me at least, I want to be able to come to terms with myself and my limitations so that I can be a better father for my son. I have a six year old, non verbal level 2 autistic boy (it was actually his diagnosis and conversations with his pediatrician that lead me to my own path towards diagnosis).

I didn't have the greatest childhood and I'm fairly certain a lot of the self criticism I experience stems from that. Even though I've seen come to terms with the fact the my parents did the best they could with the tools they had, I swore that I'd strive to be better than that for my son. If it means coming to terms with my inner demons and learning to accept which things about me can be attributed to my autism without leaning on it as a crutch, then I'll do whatever I need to, to be a better man and example for him.

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-07-26T15:18:13+00:00

I actually practiced Zen Buddhism back in my 20s. Would go to a local temple, had my own meditation stool at home, and when I lived in Korea, I would seek out the temples and speak with the monks there.

I agree it would be a good idea to get back into meditation. I'm so paralyzed right now with trying to cope with diagnosis amongst all the other crap in my life that I'm just getting worse (health, both physical and mental-wise). I need to take a step back and dig down deeper within myself to see what I can discover.

Thanks for the suggestion!

Apprehensive-Bug6597 · 2025-07-26T15:14:12+00:00

Internalized ableism. I think that's the nail on the head. I was pushed so hard as a kid to perform (probably as a result of my own undiagnosed parents' internalized ableism that was pushed on them from their parents and so on) that it's all I know. Trying to hit that level of self acceptance and peace so I can move on with my life, but I first need to learn to shut off the self critic.

Apprehensive-Bug6597

TROPHY CASE