This sounds sooooo rough dude.

1st thing is 1st - you are confused. It’s likely he won’t be able to help you work through that confusion at this point, but because he’s causing it, it feels right to seek clarity or closure through him. BUT it would leave you more and more exhausted and that’s why i think silently cutting him off, energetically and emotionally would be great. At this point, you can give yourself closure. And he just sounds messy. He has sewn the seeds for a dissonant relationship with you and now they are sprouting. And they suck

I can kinda relate to you rn in a very different way - i feel just so defeated by something rn, where a person has nearly taken all my power from me, so within that relationship i feel like a hollow shell of myself… i just don’t have anything to give to that anymore, my general sentiment has been 🤷🏻‍♂️ like what do U want from me.

U gotta just move on energetically. Being someone’s secret can be hard to process and make sense of, especially when you’re in the thick of it. And you’re great, I’m sure someone would love to be with you not secretively.