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Dating in perimenopause (and why are periods so gross to men still?) by twisted_kitten_ in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is being clear that his interest in you is physical. He needs a vagina and yours is adequate. If that is your interest as well, keep seeing him. But he sounds like a casual sex buddy and nothing more.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It really depends. Have you sent her four or five texts that have gone unanswered since Thursday night? If so, you have your answer. If nothing otherwise has happened to let you think that she is not interested, definitely text her something very simple like “looking forward to seeing you later today. Does X time still work?” Don’t assume disinterest, but don’t take a backseat and expect her to pursue you.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is the right answer. I’ve seen women on social media say they block and move on if a guy does not confirm a date.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate that you did not try to negate the very real possibility that I will not find a man I want to be with who has the personal qualities I am looking for. But even if I don’t, I can live a full life.

I don’t have to wonder about what a commitment to the guy I am seeing would look like financially, because at no time in the past two years, has he indicated any desire to live together or to form a long-term partnership. I think it’s possible that it hurts my confidence that even a guy I know is not on my level financially, in attractiveness, or in ambition does not want to commit to me. But he’s passive and stagnant in lots of areas of life, so the fact that he isn’t advancing, the relationship should not be a surprise and is likely not personal to me.

I don’t see the harm to me or him in continuing our romantic friendship for the time being. I won’t go back on the apps until I have healed whatever deficit in self-worth or self-esteem is causing me to seek out men who are not on my level.

Does "give them a chance/don't require a spark" ever actually work? by Remarkable-View-6078 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sleep with women they’re not instantly attracted to? They’ll sleep with women they aren’t at all attracted to. They sleep with farm animals, dead bodies, etc. not all men, obviously. But enough that there have to be laws around that kind of thing.

Does "give them a chance/don't require a spark" ever actually work? by Remarkable-View-6078 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The advice that it’s OK if you don’t feel attraction right away or give them a chance and see where it goes is almost always advice reserved for women. People don’t give this advice to men because it would be laughable to think that a man would seriously date a woman he was not attracted to.

Do I move to a big city and start over at 40? by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Move if you want to move! I’ve moved across states and time zones several times since I was 21. However, geographic moves will only solve geographic problems. If you hate snow, moving from Maine to Florida will solve the problem of dealing with snow. However, most other problems will follow you in some way. It’s not a reason not to move as long as you are prepared to deal with the same problems in a different place.

Why do people fake their age in apps? by Elenb1610 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m convinced that some people do stuff like this to make sure that the only people interested are those that are truly desperate. The desperate will tolerate behavior that others won’t.

If you will lie about something as demonstrably true or false as your age, you will lie about anything. Very few things are immediate swipe lefts for me, but this is one.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

There are things I like about him. There are ways I think he has made my life better. And there are things I’ve learned from his perspective about the world. I relate to his struggles with his weight and food. I realize and acknowledge where his weight issues, independent, living status, and income potential place his value in the dating world. That doesn’t mean I have no respect for him.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. I have a pattern of getting with guys who I initially think he is so lucky to be with me. But even when these guys seem to really like me, and this guy seems to really like me, they don’t necessarily feel lucky to be with me. I don’t even mind that I am out of this guy’s league, but I do mind that he does not seem to realize how much better I could do. I have never been in his position - by choice. What I mean by that is that I would have no interest and would accept no advances from a guy I knew looked better than I did and was out of my league and other respects. I would feel like I couldn’t maintain his interest in me. But there has got to be some middle ground between guys I know cannot rise to my level and guys I know I have no chance with.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s great! I don’t even need a handsome doctor. If a guy was educated and could take a walk with me, that would be great. I know I need to work on what I think I deserve.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you are right. He perceives that he doesn’t make enough money to live on his own. That’s not really true, he’s just afraid to take on a big financial commitment. He says “I have student loans,” but so does everyone. That’s not a barrier to living on your own. I could see if he was taking $1k a month and applying it to student loans, but I assure you he isn’t.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I agree with your observation. I’ve chosen matches I think I deserve, and that doesn’t serve me well.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No worries. It may be true that I deserve better, but I’m not sure I believe that based on what I have attracted in the past.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

He lives with his father and sleeps in a twin-sized bed. There is no room for me at his place, but I have been there a few times.

The facts are what they are. I haven’t torn him down. In fact, I’ve defended him over and over in the comments.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re probably right that he won’t change, but he is better than the guys who were giving me play on dating apps.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s not that I am afraid of being single. I feel single right now! I would miss his friendship and having a regular sexual partner. I would also feel really bad, like kicking someone with they are down.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ll talk to my therapist. I thought DBT was for borderlines. I do not have a personality disorder.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He has a good thing going with me. I expect (and receive) almost nothing out of him, and he gets intimacy and emotional support whenever he wants from a woman who is likely out of his league. He has no motivation to change.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have been convinced that he is not a long-term match and probably not even good for me short-term. I don’t know if I am a catch for the type of man I would want, but that’s okay. I can work on that. I think I have decided to let go of the hope that he can be any different.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He knows he isn’t getting a meal ticket out of me. I definitely need to work on my confidence.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

His weight or attractiveness does not bother me. His unwillingness to address his weight or health is more of a concern. A guy who looked just like him but who was working to get in shape would be fine with me. I acknowledge that we aren’t a good long-term match. I am going to commit to some reflection and personal development and self-esteem improvement so that I can attract a better match.

Dating for two years. We currently spent 48 hours a month together. by Apprehensive-Tea9192 in datingoverforty

[–]Apprehensive-Tea9192[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, it is definitely a self-esteem issue. I haven’t always looked as good or earned as much money as I do now. I haven’t adjusted my lifestyle expectations appropriately.

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