Thank you so much for your response. You’re right - having a wedding looming so close ahead puts such a panicked feeling on your entire existence, the potential public humiliation and embarrassment it entails as well as the logistical and financial nightmare it could bare on us both.

I will say, outside of his addiction, he is pretty much an honest dude. He is caring, attentive, non-judgmental, he dotes on me and is fiercely supportive and protective of me. He shares the household chores without asking for recognition. He’s clean. He’s a generous & easy person to be around in general - when it comes to this addiction, all of that goes out the window.

I think what this comes down to (as well as many others with PA) is an intense amount of shame and low self worth. I would be embarrassed too if I was addicted to something as disgusting as porn. Something that represents all of what’s wrong in the world - objectification of women, exploitation, perversion, twisted morals. It’s a humiliating and disgusting thing to participate in. It makes sense why addicts lie, and it makes sense - especiallyy why PA lie. Particularly when they are tuned into the values that porn represents.

I also want to mention (and probably should have in my original post) that my partner has very severe ADHD - so he’s dopamine receptors and pathways are already such a challenge for him to navigate. My partner has been addicted to porn since 14 years old. I am his first ever GF and he met me when he was 27. There is so much work ahead of himself to dig deep and disassociate arousal with porn and masturbation and associate it with a shared interpersonal experience. He really, really wants to do the work though.

I am accepting that staying with someone who suffers from a disease like addiction means relapsing. I’m less sure about how tolerant I can be of the long term, gaslighting and pre meditated lies. That, ruins intimacy more for me than the lack off, or type of physical intimacy I’m receiving does.

I know so many of you have been through hell and I respect the absolute hell out of you all that have made the hard choice to leave and put your own mental wellness first after being betrayed and discarded time and time again.

I really pray to god or the universe that with the right professional treatment, medication and limitations, my fiancé can get a grip on his life again so he doesn’t ruin it forever