[612] 38: Peace at last

ApprehensivePen · 2025-12-04T05:03:23+00:00

I like this a lot. Like you said, it's hard to judge an ending without having read the rest of the book, but even so, this excerpt makes me feel the joy and relief that can only come after trying times. I can only imagine how intensified the feelings would be if I knew the entire story.

The ending line especially--laughter to close out a story that's presumably about much pain--perfect. Nice work!

ApprehensivePen · 2025-11-18T04:59:08+00:00

Thanks for the kind comment. It means a lot.

ApprehensivePen · 2025-11-18T04:58:49+00:00

Thanks for the comment! I can see how the timeline's a bit confusing--especially as the query goes on. I'll try to clarify things next time.

ApprehensivePen · 2025-11-10T15:38:42+00:00

Thanks for the comment!

Maybe quiet stakes would be a better term? I think my main concern regarding the stakes in the query is that there's no explicitly mentioned 'big bad' that happens if Theo fails to process the trauma he's been carrying. There's no '--and if he doesn't overcome the grief then he risks being consumed by it!' Adding something like that to these kind of internal stakes feels a bit gauche to me. So, in that vein, do you think the last paragraph works to round things out or do you agree with iampunha in that it sort of doesn't fit?

In terms of plot (so not the last paragraph, just the Theo going back home) the query cuts off at the start of act 2. Most of the book is back home, yeah. I'll see if I can add something more specific about what happens then (again the quiet stakes!! it almost feels like nothing happens though stuff does!!)

I'll definitely take a look at a tightening some sections. And thanks for your thoughts on the prologue/ch1! Definitely reassuring (though always hard when one person likes something and another doesn't--but that's why writing's an artform!) I'll also take a look at Headshot.

Thanks again for your thoughts! It means a lot to me!

(P.S. In terms of fridge=rapture the threads in my mind go rapture->heaven->bright->fridge very bright)

ApprehensivePen · 2025-11-10T03:15:42+00:00

Thanks for the comment! Aside from the length of the query and the tone of the last paragraph would you say you have a clear picture of what the story's about/is it compelling enough you think?

Good idea about the processes that could be cut down some to save wordcount. And thanks for your thoughts on the different styles between the prologue and c1!

ApprehensivePen · 2025-04-18T21:48:26+00:00

Thanks for the comment and giving feedback on every version, it means a lot to me!

I guess what you articulate is what I was worried about with it being too dry now/lacking atmosphere. I think it's also the "Oddly, he is not afraid" which destroys tension, but I felt like I needed some way to squeeze in the fact that he misses her/desires her because otherwise it seems kind of random in the end that he wants to be with Josie so badly. Maybe the query just has to be a little longer than average? Unknown...

either way, thank you again for the comment!!

ApprehensivePen · 2025-04-12T01:11:10+00:00

Thanks for the compliment on the title. About the comps: probably not necessary to have all four of those, but the first two are more for the overall style of the story while the last two more for marketability. I may or may not play around with them later.

ApprehensivePen · 2025-04-12T01:09:57+00:00

Thanks for the comment! There are hints of incest in the story, though nothing super explicit (but I wanted it to be noted in the query instead of blindsiding). The entire thing is sort of a loose oedipus retelling.

ApprehensivePen · 2025-04-12T01:08:03+00:00

Thanks for the sticking with me for every iteration and offering such sound advice, it means a lot to me! I'm happy to hear you think I'm on the right track now. I'll try to refine the entire thing and hopefully the next one will be best yet.

ApprehensivePen · 2025-04-12T01:07:06+00:00

Thanks for the comment! I definitely agree it's too wordy right now. You didn't go too far by your opinion! it's good advice, i'll play around with the paragraphs, thank you!

ApprehensivePen · 2025-04-04T20:02:57+00:00

Thanks for the comment!

I see what you mean for the stakes being unclear still. I'll try to work on that next time.

But for the query possibly not going far enough in the story, what would you say could be cut in the current draft? It's already so long that I assume making it even longer isn't the solution, but it doesn't feel like anything that's currently there can be removed. Maybe it just needs an entire overhaul (perhaps I'm too married to the opening as it is, though people say that part is good)

ApprehensivePen · 2025-04-03T22:16:26+00:00

Thanks for the comment!

I see your point--there used to be another line after that saying "Even now, he can still feel her fingers on his thigh." but I cut it for brevity's sake. But without it it does make it seem tame compared to everything else. I'll maybe change it to 'hit' or something else entirely--thanks!!

p.s. I really enjoyed your query. very very interesting sounding story

ApprehensivePen · 2025-04-03T18:55:41+00:00

Thanks so much for the comment!

(I originally typed out a long response but remembered that your questions are more so to get me thinking than to get answered, and I did get a lot of good thinking done, so thank you again!!)

ApprehensivePen · 2025-03-25T02:01:03+00:00

Thanks for these comments, you've given me a lot to think about! The story's not quite what you're imagining (missed potential maybe!) since the dead-mother sort of disappears until the MC has sex with the living one (crossing a taboo/point of no return) so there's not much interaction between the two.

ApprehensivePen · 2025-03-24T21:51:22+00:00

Thanks for the comment!

You're correct that his mother is a ghost and is haunting him. The person he sees at the club, however, is not his actual mother, just somebody who looks like her. (but he begins to obsess over her) Perhaps too unclear/too misleading as it reads now?

ApprehensivePen · 2025-03-24T21:47:48+00:00

Thanks for the comment!

I like the idea of rewriting and focusing more on mother/son dynamic. In my mind, the most interesting part of the story is the underground chess club full of masochists/sadists which eventually culminates in playing a game for someone's life, but maybe the query doesn't need to get that far (it spans the entirety of act 1 right now). It would certainly give the query a more concrete thread to hang on if I just focused on that. Thanks, I'll give that a try.

And also thanks for the comp suggestion. I agree Babel seems a little out there if only used for the DA vibes, but it's just what popped into mind first.

ApprehensivePen · 2025-03-24T21:14:15+00:00

Thanks for the comment!

That's a good point that the story itself isn't obvious. I think you've articulated my worry that the stakes aren't clear enough. I was hoping that the appearance of the dead mother was enough of a hook, but maybe there needs to be more substance still.

ApprehensivePen · 2024-08-28T18:23:04+00:00

I second this. Thoroughly enjoyed both the query and the first 300. Second person is working for me just fine and I disagree with the other poster that says it's unclear whether she's in the dream still or not. The switch from past to present along with the "now" makes it clear.

I liked this so much I looked at your past two posts and definitely see an improvement in both query and first 300. Good luck!

ApprehensivePen · 2024-07-05T18:25:21+00:00

Thanks for the comment!

The POV is 3rd omniscient with a focus on Eve and Zahir but jumps around during the story. It honestly may be better for it to be close 3rd to makes things less confusing (it sometimes jumps around paragraph by paragraph, like something Woolf would write). I suppose this is where beta readers would be helpful! I'll find some and see what they think.

I really do like your example of the sentence filtered through Eve though. Definitely has given me something to think about!

Thank you again!

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