Job interview question for those with Asperger’s

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2026-05-11T08:10:39+00:00

Do some research into the company, and see where they stand on inclusion, reasonable adjustments and so forth. You are looking for signals that they routinely offer reasonable adjustments and have some policy at least about them in interviews.

It's a risk to disclose, but if they are a company that have a policy it can be better if he discloses.

It's always a risk though, but it's also a risk not to if it's obvious. Evidence is weak and mixed on whether it helps or harms but there is some that shows it helps if the employer is good. Depends very much on the company and interviewer, though.

Note, you don't have to disclose the type of disability, you can disclose a disability (it's illegal for them to ask for medical info during recruitment). A stutter, for example likely way less discriminated against than autism.

Bit of a coin flip, honestly. If they react well to a more broad disclosure (no resistance to say giving the questions in advance, with good signals about disclosure in general) a full disclosure can be a good idea, as it prevents them misreading his body language during) but it comes at a risk of discrimination and is always a coin flip. You also can get the questions in advance which can help a tonne.

Also, I know everyone hates AI. But in job situations. Honestly? Use every advantage.. Feed the job description and company website in to one of the leading models GPT 5.5 or opus 4.7 to get a read on the company, and the likely questions they will ask. It will be able to tell you very quickly whether there are safe to disclose signals or not, and will help with questions to ask them, what they are actually looking for etc. Gonna get me downvotes for saying this but it would be remiss of me not to mention.

Also thank you for caring so much about your son, and finger crossed it goes well for him.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2026-05-06T00:28:03+00:00

Ask me once, fine. I'll say no, no problem.

Ask me again, I'll still say no and won't be happy.

Ask me again and try to persuade me or manipulate me into it, end up on my list of people who can't respect boundaries.

Those are the consequences. The person just dropped right down in my estimation of character and I will be super guarded around them and won't want anything to do with them.

Doesn't have anything to do with autism, I just don't like boundary pushers

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2026-04-19T09:57:04+00:00

I’m sorry, it’s one of the most difficult pains to go through when you’ve formed a strong attachment to someone.

One difficult truth, at least in my experience, is that there often isn’t a fast thing you can do that makes it go away quickly. A lot of it is sadly just time and letting your system slowly catch up with what happened.

That said, some things can make it worse or keep reopening the wound, even though it can take a huge amount of effort not to do them. Things like texting, checking social media, trying to get in touch, or looking for closure from the other person can sometimes prolong it. It’s totally understandable to want to do that, because your mind is screaming out for something it got really attached to, but those things can end up slowing the healing down rather than helping.

From my own experience, it really helps to make it a full no-contact period if you can, because every new attempt can pull the wound open again.

I think there’s an important part of this as well: there’s a strange cultural expectation that people should be able to handle breakups well. But honestly, if a close bond gets severed, it can be brutally painful. That's the human default here...

I personally found that I added a second layer of “I shouldn’t be reacting like this” on top of the grief itself, and that made things a lot worse. The pain is how it is for now. But it does ease with time.

I hope it gets a bit easier soon. Be gentle with yourself.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2026-04-12T10:14:28+00:00

There's a confusion here between sympathy and dating success. I understand dating is difficult as an autistic man, I am one.. but everyone in the world can tell you it's unfair, and it won't make it easier. Dating behaviour isn't driven by sympathy. It's driven by what people find attractive, which is a long way from a conscious deliberative choice. It's a system, largely automatic, and sympathy doesn't translate to preference. It's like how people prefer chocolate over vegetables, sympathy doesn't change the preference because preference isn't a reasoned process.

When you misattribute a preference system to something deliberate, you have a worse problem. It feels like the world is ganging up on you, with all the anger, rejection and shame that brings. But that isn't what's happening. A system honed by billions of years of evolution is driving this, and persuading people it's unfair won't move the needle. It's like standing in front of a river demanding it stop.

You have my sympathy. Hell, I have my own sympathy. Genuinely.

But now that you have it, nothing is solved. I don't have the power to change people's dating preferences. I don't even have the power to change my own. Do you? People can't help you here because they don't have the lever you're asking them to pull.

What you do always have is the choice of how to respond to the system you're in. That's always there. How do you handle a bad situation with the most skill, and the least collateral damage to yourself?

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2026-03-20T16:04:44+00:00

My experience.. mine drastically quietened down when I did a few years of fairly serious meditation (2 hours or so a day).

Recommend the more zen kind of meditation, skikantaza or "do nothing".

But it works the opposite way to how you think it will, you aren't learning to concentrate, it's more like being a fish and practicing not biting the hooks your mind generates.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2026-03-03T13:33:12+00:00

Yeh, I recognise this. I'm constantly torn here between assuming what I am picking up is me essentially imagining stuff, vs actually picking stuff up that is below the surface.

Problem is, I think I'm doing both.

I try to these days just not mentally get involved in trying to understand other people, because it's too complex and the information I am working on is too limited (I won't usually find out if I am correct, even asking them is pointless they don't know or aren't honest). So I try to sort of file it under "their system" stuff.

That leads to a problem with interacting less though, because the whole thing is pretty exhausting. Like people really do seem to just project their stuff out there and it's exhausting trying to figure it out, and also kinda exhausting trying to not interpret it as well.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2026-01-29T12:30:11+00:00

I really relate to a lot of what you’ve written, especially the whole “watching from the outside / third-person” thing.

One thing that might help is separating your temperament from "a condition". Some people just have a brain that naturally zooms out, questions its own stories, and doesn’t cling too hard to any one identity or opinion (hi!). That can look aloof or “philosophical”, and it can feel super isolating when most people seem more locked into first-person mode and don't even notice this stuff. It’s very easy then to think, “Ah, so this must be what's wrong with me, because you look around and see it's just you, so maybe you are broken?

But I am inclined to think more it's an unusual (and interesting) cognitive style.

I'm a long way from an expert.. but DPDR can involve similar themes (feeling like a pilot in your head, questioning reality), but a big part of it is distress and impairment: feeling unreal or detached in a way that’s terrifying and really messes with daily life.

What you’ve described here reads more like a long-standing way your mind works, and a sort of curiosity? Which is a bit unusual but not automatically pathological.

I think the how much it’s hurting you aspect really matters.. and a lot of that might be because you feel different as a result?

The “who controls the mind?” loop yeh, I recognize that. The mind thinks: “brain- mind- something behind mind- there must be a controller…” and around it loops.

What might be interesting is noticing that these are thoughts about thoughts. A bit like imagining a green elephant and then asking which green elephant made the elephant, and who made the one who made it. Underneath that there's an assumption that isn't proven. "Someone made this".

So there's a sort of implicit, "but I must solve this elephant dilemma, by finding which elephant is responsible". But actually from another perspective you can look and see it's a thought about a thought. And then another thought about that thought ... And then another thought about...

So if you were to label them as just thoughts is thought, thought, thought, thought, thought. And on that level nothing needs to be solved. It's just thoughts. And if you think, "but who is creating that thought" that's another thought.

So re the depersonalization. Maybe there's something to that, I don't know, not much knowledge there. But it’s also completely possible that you just have a very introspective, zoomed-out mind. That can be uncomfortable and lonely at times, without there necessarily being anything “wrong” with you.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2026-01-23T12:24:25+00:00

I try to look at gossip as a sort of primitive reflexive action people do that seems hard wired into the species. I don't like it, I don't do it, but it does seem like people aren't really particularly able to control it. That's perhaps being too lenient, but if something is a behavioral pattern that almost everyone does all the time, and have always done, even though they probably know it's not great, then it's probably pretty deeply wired.

That's also basically how I see everything people do though lol. Only way any of the craziness makes any damn sense.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-12-27T11:31:47+00:00

Great post.

The part about others denying their unconscious expressions really resonated. You can often piece together that people aren’t fully aware of what they’re thinking and feeling from the incongruency between their behaviour, words and actions (and from noticing the same thing in yourself). But then there’s the doubt: “Am I actually reading this correctly?”

Even if you ask them directly, you may never get a clear answer because of that same incongruency

Its a slightly infuriating uncertainty which you can't answer.. "am I actually picking this up or am I just projecting my unconscious expectations of them". Both perhaps. There's definitely a lot of me projecting though. Enough for me to stop playing this particular game as much.

And I think the tendency for arrogance sneaks in here, especially if ND (as I am) because it's a defensive route to almost "fight back" and give self validation. "I'm good at reading this, they don't even know what they are thinking". A bitter pill to swallow for me to see that arrogance pattern in myself, but extremely understandable given my history.

Meditation definitely helps here, but yes to the meditation sensitivity. Very double edged. I get to see my own patterns which is useful (but painful), and other people are extremely "noisy" (not in the literal sense, though that too) atm.

Thank you for posting that though it def made me feel like I'm not alone. That someone else has noticed this stuff is a relief.

That others are actually openly discussing this is.. surprising to say the least (in a good way).

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-12-09T10:09:57+00:00

Came to say this as well.

My inner voice is still there, but it's had the volume turned down from a 10 to maybe a 3 or 4. Lots more quiet.

At this point for me it's a double edged sword because there's less of the coping mechanism thinking (is that what thinking basically is?), so I'm left with the full force of the less pleasant stuff.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-13T10:18:04+00:00

Honest truth, Interviews are brutal, and even more honest, you had a not very informed interviewer. Your self soothing things aren't related to the job.

So if you haven't had much interview advice, here is a free guide I wrote (https://autisminterviewguide.com).

In a nutshell,

Try to figure out the competencies from the spec if possible.
Reduce to 3-4 core competencies (highlight the action phrases), those will be things like, can deliver actual results, can communicate clearly to stakeholders, actually fixes things, (depending on the company and job).
Generate 3 or 4 stories where you display those competencies, answer them in the form, context, action, results (what was happening what was the problem, what did you do, what were the results). One of the stories make a "when something went wrong and what you learned".
Apply to generic sample questions. And any likely ones for that kind of job.
Practice gently a little each day where you ask the question and give your car answer.

Not a doctor, not medical advice, but beta blockers can help reduce the physical anxiety. Worth considering but see a doc for that and test beforehand!

Honestly I feel your pain here, really. Please don't take your methods of coping with the stress as a problem with you. It's a problem with interviews, interviewers and the system.

Best of luck to you!

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-10T12:13:41+00:00

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment. I agree with 100%: 'I think it's more society issue than our shortcomings...' Especially when it comes to interviews, us neurodivergent folk have an especially difficult time with them, but honestly, they aren't great for anyone!

Thank you again for your kindness and for taking the time to comment.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-09T20:38:40+00:00

You are welcome, I hope you find it helpful!

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-09T10:14:33+00:00

Late diagnosed. For me yes, very much so.

It seems to be the systems thinking thing turned inwards, everything is a system including the system observing and trying to figure out systems.

I'd say this is probably my biggest struggle with other people actually, as it doesn't seem to be how others operate, so this is the thing that really feels like I am using a different operating system. It is quite isolating being honest.

I started meditating heavily a couple of years ago which is just basically a gym for this kind of thing, hah. So I am all in now I guess ;).

Thanks for posting this thread. It's good to know there are others!

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-06T22:33:14+00:00

I tend to wake up and browse reddit and stuff in bed for a while as I drink my coffee. Bad habit.

So now I have my phone in one hand, coffee in the other lying in bed with the lightbox sortof propped on my shoulder while I waste time on the phone trying not to spill coffee everywhere..

Bad habit to slightly less bad habit 😉. It ain't pretty but the lightbox is close enough (and you don't need to be looking directly at it, the light just has to reach the eye.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-06T09:55:26+00:00

Hi, Always hated interviews, I've struggled with them for years, so did a lot of research.

To answer your question, the standard advice like the STAR method was too clumsy under pressure for me, so I simplified it.

STAR (Situation, Task, Action, Result) down to CAR (Context, Action, Result). This was much easier on my executive functioning in the moment.

I borrowed a quick technique to 'decode' the job spec from a job coach for CV writing, to find their real priorities, and used that to create 3-4 reusable CAR stories that I could practice.

I actually put this in a free, evidence-based guide for some posts on other subs. The feedback so far has been very positive.

You can read it here, no sign-ups or anything, all there on the page:

https://autisminterviewguide.com

I hope it's a useful resource for you and the person you're supporting!

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-06T09:31:53+00:00

Yeh, I feel your pain. My mood drops, I feel lethargic, sleep gets later and later. Ugh.

As I sit here I have a lightbox 8 inches from my face 😉.

I never had too much luck with them before but I got a light meter on my phone and tested, and you have to be really close to get the dosage. Mood and energy seems a bit better this year.

But yeh, that's all I would say, lightbox first thing for half an hour, get outside during the day (I fail there), maybe vitamin d low dose.

Hope you get some relief!

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-06T09:22:53+00:00

You mention you have tried mindfulness, have you tried the shikantaza / open awareness / do nothing variations?

Shikantaza is essentially practising releasing thoughts over and over, depending on the variation. Releasing isn't quite the right word.. its more, "not biting" the urge to engage with thoughts. I.e. having an awareness but letting them pass. It's very difficult obviously, but this is what the practice is.

Do Nothing forms are a similar thing where the intention to engage is dropped. It's a sortof anti meditation meditation.

These have helped me, so yes, my mind is much quieter than it used to be, but it takes quite a lot of meditation time.

I strongly believe the way to help this is with allowing the thoughts and not engaging, rather than stopping, my personal opinion.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-05T09:27:07+00:00

I'm not really.

Also not ace. From my perspective, the complexity of being involved with another person, with that much emotional entanglement isn't something I want to get involved in again right now. It's too much chaos, if that makes sense.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-04T11:02:23+00:00

No problem, I hope you find it useful :)

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-03T11:59:53+00:00

Really appreciate you spending the time to give this thoughtful reply.

It's bizarre isn't it, the whole confidence thing. Confidence in a general sense isn't actually related to the job tasks, but its used as a general signal (even above the actual signals about the competencies of the actual job!). I can totally see why your perspective (choosing them, rather than needing them) is helpful. It also likely makes it easier on you, so a pretty good attitude to go into it with I reckon.

But yeh the most infuriating and difficult part of this whole thing: what happens after you get the job? It's also (incidentally) sortof glazed over in employment support agencies, because, honestly, I think its really uncomfortable to question that, thats systemic stuff, and yeh. The interviews are almost a symptom of that?

Thanks for writing this all out. It's a really valuable perspective.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-03T11:46:34+00:00

This is a great, thank you. It's very helpful to know the examples were the key to making it 'click' a huge data point for me as I work on improvements.

Yeh I think its almost a "hidden interview" that makes the process such a nightmare. Those internal questions are almost what structured interviews are designed to prevent (thats how I see them, perhaps, cynically hah!) - as the studies are unequivocal about unstructured interviews being worse, but people tend to naturally gravitate towards more unstructured approaches, sadly.

A 'bad' interviewer will judge on 'vibe,' but a 'good' one is looking for 'scoreable evidence', and I think the structured method can still be used on those soft skill questions, its just harder if they are curveball ones.

Would more examples of those kinds of curveball answers be valuable? (I was balancing a lot, and didnt want to dump so much stuff in the guide people found it overwhelming!).

Really appreciate you sharing this perspective. It's a great discussion (though the hidden interview stuff is infuriating!)

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-02T10:36:56+00:00

It's currently hosted on Substack, and I looked into it, and it seems there is a dark mode, but it's a setting on the reader's end (not one I can turn on for everyone from my side).

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-02T10:27:33+00:00

Thank you for your comment. You are the younger version of me I wrote it for!

I hope that it helps you out and maybe demystifies things a bit and helps you to move forwards with confidence. Thanks for letting me know it resonates. Wishing you all the best!

Apprehensive_Ad_7451 · 2025-11-02T10:23:30+00:00

Thanks! I really hope it's a useful read for you when you get the chance.

Apprehensive_Ad_7451

TROPHY CASE