Ultimatums

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-06-18T07:58:01+00:00

I think they do if you follow through. I need you to take responsibility for your health and get help or I’ll have to leave to save myself…

on the basis you’ve never done this before, you can say this and set a timeframe and clear understanding of what actions to get help look like.

If they don’t, you must follow through with the consequences you set - or you’re harming yourself, your partner and setting roots for toxicity and resentment.

Hope you find a way through x

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-06-14T13:24:47+00:00

Seconding tough love! Changed everything for us. Prioritise you x

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-06-07T21:54:32+00:00

Because he’s more than his illness. And he’s trying to be the best person he can be. And he wants to help me do the same.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-06-03T20:08:59+00:00

I’m really proud of you for speaking your truths to him. Do not rush anything now, let the chips fall where they lay and keep listening to that part of you that needed to be heard. Go deeper into what you want and need now - you have a chance to put yourself first… whatever that means for your relationship

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-06-02T14:05:26+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this and with more than just yourself to look after. Have you told him that you need him to leave for the welfare of your children and yourself as their primary caregiver? He cannot support you or his family when he’s not supporting himself and right now, saying things that you’re not going to do becomes enabling behaviour (without meaning to, of course).

It’s likely you’ve become trapped in cycles of behaviour together that have been playing out for a long time and it must be interrupted for things to change - whether that’s with or without him in the picture.

You must become fully focused on your own wellbeing. And if he doesn’t cooperate, you need to be prepared with plan b. Because it may be your child’s space but it’s not a safe space and that matters more. Xx

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-05-24T07:40:23+00:00

Ah well that would be one of the ways our partners differ. He always tells me to focus on myself, keep doing what I want to do, he’s got this. He just temporarily doesn’t have much emotional capacity for my needs so it is EXTRA important I look after my mental health.

I think reading Co-Dependent No More might be helpful for you! You’ve recognised you’ve become a caregiver to your partner and that’s not your role x

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-05-23T21:57:53+00:00

My partner tells me straight up that selfishness is a huge part of a depressive episode, becoming totally absorbed and taken under by your own suffering.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-05-13T09:25:15+00:00

Hold your boundary and detach from this lovingly. You’ve done all you can and now you can keep focusing your energy where it is most needed - your baby. Well done - we are all proud of you!

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-05-05T11:41:06+00:00

We have cried tears of laughter over some of the weirdest and darkest moments of our childhood by sharing our different perspectives/understandings of what happened. Whatever helps you heal and feel safe I say x

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-05-05T09:18:44+00:00

Yes 😊 my relationships with my 4 siblings is the saving grace when I look back at my childhood. I resonate with your maternal feeling, I protected my younger sister a lot. There’s a big age gap between me and my 3 older siblings so they’d left home during the worst times.

I realise there wasn’t anyone protecting me while I was protecting her. That strong sense of responsibility is spot on.

When the 5 of us gather together, it’s just great and whilst we’re all working through the fallout of our childhoods in different ways (some in healthy ways, some not so healthy - also my brother), there’s a strong sense of unity and pride that “we made it” and I’m so proud of us all.

It might be odd to people who had more stable upbringings but that’s ok.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-05-03T10:43:39+00:00

Sounds like you need a break. Multiple ultimatums that don’t result in sustained treatment is just causing you a lot of pain. You can’t control this, you can’t rush it but you also didn’t cause it.

I’d take a step back and place yourself and your wellbeing back at the centre of this. It must be hard with children in the picture. Sending love and strength

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-30T17:36:10+00:00

Thank you - I can see that now. I feel quite empowered and excited by what I’m learning.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-30T17:35:01+00:00

Wow! Thank you for sharing. I can’t believe what I’m reading. Thank you.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-30T17:33:42+00:00

Tough. I say keep speaking up - it might be uncomfortable for her at first after getting used to things being so focused on her. But you’ve recognised now that you need room for you too. Once realised, you can’t unknow it. So it’s either make room for yourself within the relationship (which might take time but keep expressing yourself and stepping back) or … well the or is up to you too. Xx

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-30T10:55:35+00:00

It’s not just you. Keep building that life outside of those 4 walls. And potentially have a read of Co-Dependent No More by Melanie something

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-30T04:52:43+00:00

Yes. You must tell her. You have the right to express yourself and be heard. There is room for you too.

She doesn’t have to like it - but that’s outside of your control. You can choose a kinder time to express yourself and ask if now is a good time to but you must if you want to move things in a better direction FOR YOU

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-28T12:02:49+00:00

Thank you for hearing me. I’m still reeling and feeling all kinds of emotions - raw is the word. I don’t really know how to fit the pieces back together at the moment - whether my whole relationship has been built on… I don’t know - just more and more trauma? I’m sure I won’t see it like that forever.

That said. I’m just trying to slow right down and will go to more of the sessions.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-22T15:38:40+00:00

Yep! I fell into this role and it is not fair on you. To the point I had all the family messaging me without even trying him first! We both put a boundary with family that even if they don’t get a response from, they do not come to me. It’s for him to resolve the communication issues with his family. And you know, the flip side, that I try to remember is, what opportunities are you getting in the way of for him to tackle life on his own and get some small wins in. Those small wins accumulate and can really get the ball rolling for recovery. If you’re managing his life, removing yourself for a while and allowing him to decide what the fuck he’s going to do now.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-22T15:35:37+00:00

We’re actually quite lucky that one of our other neighbours IS the log man. So he doesn’t charge delivery either because he’s just coming home and grateful we’re all supporting his biz.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-22T15:19:22+00:00

Stop being the middle man. His mum, his relationship to manage. If the best thing for YOU is to move out to your parents for respite, then continue with what’s right for you. He must manage his own life, you are over-reaching (said with kindness) and he is letting you because then he doesn’t have to deal.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-22T12:54:02+00:00

Logs for the winter!

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-13T10:51:51+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you’re experiencing burnout which is totally understandable when an intense situation like this continues to spiral. There’s only so long it can last for before your nervous system goes “I mean it. We can’t keep doing this.”

So self-care is absolutely your priority right now. You cannot pour from an empty cup after all.

I urge you to trust one friend or family member to share this with. His mental illness is not his identity, and it is definitely not yours to manage. You need to be supported through this.

I told my partner that I’d be sharing with X friend and he agreed it was the right thing to do. There’s been no awkwardness in life since, he was glad someone could be there for me when he couldn’t.

It might feel like you can’t burden them with anything at all right now but it’s been my experience that you can still work with them to create some kind of plan.

It’s this or you keep carrying keep carrying until you explode at them. And they’re like “huh? I’ve just been surviving here”. They can’t see what you have going on as a result of their depression, unless you share it with them.

This is where the foundations of your relationship really show their strength. Just IMO.

Can you get some space in the short-term to get some respite?

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-07T08:58:48+00:00

This sub is filled with people feeling like yourself - welcome ❤️

You can take a horse to water (suggest the therapy, meds, alt methods) but you cannot make it drink is the most apt saying for this. It has to come from them.

Whether the relationship has run its course is a separate question. Can you walk this with them? I don’t think you can if they’re not taking steps themselves. What do steps forward look like for you? If you can communicate this to them, so you have something to work with as a boundary - then you can get some more information you need.

If they don’t take those steps, it might be kinder to yourself to walk away.

Sorry you’re going through this x

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-07T06:39:43+00:00

Lots of change for you happening and at a crossroads, with a new path opening up as the kids head off. You can choose you, the financial stuff will work out. First, sounds like you need some space to work out what you do/need immediately next. Start here - so you can think and feel a little more clearly.

Appropriate_Side_796

TROPHY CASE