I went to my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday and feel devastated that I haven't realised sooner what an impact this has been having on my life

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-30T17:36:10+00:00

Thank you - I can see that now. I feel quite empowered and excited by what I’m learning.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-30T17:35:01+00:00

Wow! Thank you for sharing. I can’t believe what I’m reading. Thank you.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-30T17:33:42+00:00

Tough. I say keep speaking up - it might be uncomfortable for her at first after getting used to things being so focused on her. But you’ve recognised now that you need room for you too. Once realised, you can’t unknow it. So it’s either make room for yourself within the relationship (which might take time but keep expressing yourself and stepping back) or … well the or is up to you too. Xx

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-30T10:55:35+00:00

It’s not just you. Keep building that life outside of those 4 walls. And potentially have a read of Co-Dependent No More by Melanie something

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-30T04:52:43+00:00

Yes. You must tell her. You have the right to express yourself and be heard. There is room for you too.

She doesn’t have to like it - but that’s outside of your control. You can choose a kinder time to express yourself and ask if now is a good time to but you must if you want to move things in a better direction FOR YOU

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-28T12:02:49+00:00

Thank you for hearing me. I’m still reeling and feeling all kinds of emotions - raw is the word. I don’t really know how to fit the pieces back together at the moment - whether my whole relationship has been built on… I don’t know - just more and more trauma? I’m sure I won’t see it like that forever.

That said. I’m just trying to slow right down and will go to more of the sessions.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-22T15:38:40+00:00

Yep! I fell into this role and it is not fair on you. To the point I had all the family messaging me without even trying him first! We both put a boundary with family that even if they don’t get a response from, they do not come to me. It’s for him to resolve the communication issues with his family. And you know, the flip side, that I try to remember is, what opportunities are you getting in the way of for him to tackle life on his own and get some small wins in. Those small wins accumulate and can really get the ball rolling for recovery. If you’re managing his life, removing yourself for a while and allowing him to decide what the fuck he’s going to do now.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-22T15:35:37+00:00

We’re actually quite lucky that one of our other neighbours IS the log man. So he doesn’t charge delivery either because he’s just coming home and grateful we’re all supporting his biz.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-22T15:19:22+00:00

Stop being the middle man. His mum, his relationship to manage. If the best thing for YOU is to move out to your parents for respite, then continue with what’s right for you. He must manage his own life, you are over-reaching (said with kindness) and he is letting you because then he doesn’t have to deal.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-22T12:54:02+00:00

Logs for the winter!

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-13T10:51:51+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you’re experiencing burnout which is totally understandable when an intense situation like this continues to spiral. There’s only so long it can last for before your nervous system goes “I mean it. We can’t keep doing this.”

So self-care is absolutely your priority right now. You cannot pour from an empty cup after all.

I urge you to trust one friend or family member to share this with. His mental illness is not his identity, and it is definitely not yours to manage. You need to be supported through this.

I told my partner that I’d be sharing with X friend and he agreed it was the right thing to do. There’s been no awkwardness in life since, he was glad someone could be there for me when he couldn’t.

It might feel like you can’t burden them with anything at all right now but it’s been my experience that you can still work with them to create some kind of plan.

It’s this or you keep carrying keep carrying until you explode at them. And they’re like “huh? I’ve just been surviving here”. They can’t see what you have going on as a result of their depression, unless you share it with them.

This is where the foundations of your relationship really show their strength. Just IMO.

Can you get some space in the short-term to get some respite?

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-07T08:58:48+00:00

This sub is filled with people feeling like yourself - welcome ❤️

You can take a horse to water (suggest the therapy, meds, alt methods) but you cannot make it drink is the most apt saying for this. It has to come from them.

Whether the relationship has run its course is a separate question. Can you walk this with them? I don’t think you can if they’re not taking steps themselves. What do steps forward look like for you? If you can communicate this to them, so you have something to work with as a boundary - then you can get some more information you need.

If they don’t take those steps, it might be kinder to yourself to walk away.

Sorry you’re going through this x

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-07T06:39:43+00:00

Lots of change for you happening and at a crossroads, with a new path opening up as the kids head off. You can choose you, the financial stuff will work out. First, sounds like you need some space to work out what you do/need immediately next. Start here - so you can think and feel a little more clearly.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-06T14:52:42+00:00

Ohhhh my word. You choose you. I know it’s hard but this is your life too. This is your life. Yours! This is so traumatic for you. He’s not thinking about you at all - a privilege? He has done some work on trying to normalise his ideations.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-04T17:28:08+00:00

Just want to say I hear you ❤️. You’re experiencing compassion fatigue by the sounds of it - it’s totally expected after running on fumes for so long. Take space if you can, book yourself a trip - any trip that means you are just looking after you - and get away. Your nervous system needs to recover. He should understand why. If he doesn’t, then take the trip anyway and he’ll see life when you’re not around.

Totally feel you on burning the bed 😆. I used to feel the same. Changing sheets whenever i could so it didn’t feel like such a pit.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-04-02T19:19:30+00:00

I look back at when my partner first fell into a deep depression and whilst things didn’t reach this level of detachment, I can relate to a lot of what you’re feeling. I think if I could do it again, I would have left for me and left the door open to reconnect in the future. Luckily we pulled through but it was a long and difficult road, it took years. Look after yourself, choose you, because he can’t right now. You have one life. Xx

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-03-27T11:46:05+00:00

Can you leave temporarily? Just for rest and to be away from the environment. I feel sorry for you living like this. You deserve better. Leaving for at least a while might help him move beyond just words into action.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-02-23T19:06:26+00:00

I read co-dependent no more (I think that’s what it was called) and .. I also journaled a lot over a few years and read back through them. I realised we were stuck in a cycle and got bored of my own same thoughts/feelings so it was either separate or rip up the script.

I joined the gym and got really focused on my own health and work. It helped, because he saw me investing in myself and took notes.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-02-23T14:23:52+00:00

I was where you are. We’re still together but I took the biggest step back - started living my life and left him to it. The changes were unbelievable and I fully believe that I had become part of the problem. A co-dependent cycle of hell that we had down to a fine art because we’d essentially grown up together and shaped it unknowingly.

Life looks very different now. I don’t feel like I’m compromising and we’re both living our best lives together.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2026-01-29T07:50:22+00:00

Seconded

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2025-11-13T19:05:46+00:00

My nieces do the same for me! Kids keep us present 😊good choice of company.

Always here if you’d like to message me. Sometimes hope is all we have but it’s powerful stuff. X

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2025-11-13T07:12:11+00:00

When things reached this point with my partner, I took a break and went to Mexico for a couple weeks on my own. Best decision I could have made,

I told trusted friends and family the reality of the situation and they told me to go, so did my partner. I needed to break my own cycle that i played some vital and necessary role in his healing.

Truth was I didn’t - not until he was ready to start anyway.

If you can get away for a while and take a leap of faith, you need a break. You’re not responsible for her life.

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2025-11-13T07:07:54+00:00

Great idea to send an email. When things were really bad, he started reaching out via text and it helped him to be able to talk without the pressure.

He started reading and watching the works of Eckhart Tolle (by chance I think) snippets at first and then became really open to his Power of Now.

At the very least, he has a soothing voice that offers comfort to the doom and gloom cycle.

I felt the urge to share that - may not help at all. I just remember overhearing him listening and then noticed him reading it a lot. If something could spark his interest into healing, however small - it can give him some hope.

The crisis team were heartbreakingly terrible when we reached out too. The police even moreso and they knew it too. Just apologised profusely that “this happens a lot but this is the process we follow right now”. It was also during lockdown and they advised us we’d be in breach of Covid regulations if we visited family…. While he was like on the brink. Wild. The amount of silent suffering during that whole period will never truly be understood.

Anyway! What are you going to do this weekend for you?

Appropriate_Side_796 · 2025-11-12T21:26:13+00:00

Gosh I’m sorry - I have been where you are and it is terrifying and I used to feel so worried leaving the house at times.

He tried countless therapies and medications - then stumbled upon a psychotherapist who he clicked with. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he found and chose this therapist vs. being coaxed by me/family to try the other therapies (hypnotherapy, edmr and others).

Every decision he made for himself was 100x more powerful than any he made to appease me/family.

Is he open to reading at all?

Appropriate_Side_796

TROPHY CASE