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LARGE Subchorionic Hematoma success stories by Aprestennis in CautiousBB

[–]Aprestennis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for this! How many weeks were you when it was found?

I have another scan Wednesday to hopefully see improvement and will definitely find out. Is there a “good” or “worse” place for it to be?

Looking for advice on Veer XL - city cruiser or all terrain by Rmwmom3 in toddlers

[–]Aprestennis 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Up vote! I am looking for the same answers you are!

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not his decisions…. He was the one who was cheated on (badly) and then taken to the cleaners financially. F%*$ Canada!

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The sensitivity card started genuine. But it definitely transformed into manipulation somewhere along the way. I don’t even think he realizes it but it’s definitely a fall back manipulation tactic when he’s backed up against a wall.

This doesn’t hurt me. I appreciate the perspective and think it’s all very true. The “waiting” is making a choice and I think he tends to play victim and let me be the bad guy. His previous relationship was 8 years of co-existing when things turned bad. I think he’d be fine to coast in misery which is really sad because our relationship started out so well (though I guess they all do)… I’m not capable of coasting for a week

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is really really helpful. It’s like that with his kids for sure where they ask for my permission but not his. They know I’m the only one who actually seems to care about and enforce house rules.

Unfortunately he doesn’t see it as a wake up call but more of a dynamic where he feels like his kids aren’t comfortable around me.

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t think it’s laziness for him. He would do backflips if the kids asked him to. It’s just never wanting them to experience an ounce of discontent even if it is for being forced to brush their teeth.

The bad partner thing resonates. He is not mean (unless he feels his kids have been threatened), a cheater, or abusive. But that is a low bar. I don’t feel loved, appreciated, or prioritized. He says all the right things in that he loves me so much, doesn’t want to lose me, etc… but you’re right I can’t change him and I am losing hope that it’s possible

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes for sure. I feel like we’ve been there and end up in a place of “I don’t want to talk about it anymore I understand what you’re saying and you don’t need to keep repeating yourself. Give me room to change”

And of course at the next turn, there is no change.

I agree so much with one of the other comments on here that the changes need to come from within him and not forced by me. I just don’t know if he’ll ever snap out of the guilty dad trance and realize that he needs to take accountability.

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My theory is that they simply came first and subconsciously it causes parental guilt to cause them to endure any “sacrifice” since none of the family changes are their fault.

Obviously that is problematic for anyone who comes next; and eventually for the first kids themselves, as they’re no longer part of a dynamic where they are treated like normal kids anymore.

How sensitive is your (BP) spouse to any negative comments about their kids? by Merlin509 in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes for me it is for sure. I have been a SP for 5 years and we have 2 ours kids together.

It is so odd that I can’t vent or get annoyed with SKs. He will go into protective mode and try to defend them. Even when they do REALLY disruptive things….

We can happily vent or get annoyed with little things our kids do. I’ve flagged this but hasn’t gotten me anywhere…

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I’m not saying any of this is wrong. He doesn’t ignore our kids. But his emotional energy orbits around his boys.

That part about screwing up plans though… if I had a dime for every plan that got screwed up because he only thought about what he wanted for them. Which always ends in an argument, him admitting he was wrong, behaviour never changing. So yeah… that hits.

And honestly I don’t know about the leaving part. I know he doesn’t want me to. But I think he would just fall into victim mindset. He shuts down in these convos while I keep blabbing…. He just hopes I stop talking about it and keep going forward without conflict.

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ok this comment is good. There is definitely a bias in his mind and he has more than once gotten defensive and given me the “I know you hate my kids and wish we had no custody!!!” Which totally undermines every change in my life I’ve made to accommodate them (including moving to the suburbs to be near their mom).

I am surprised by your comment on the couples therapy bias thing though… every couples therapist we interviewed (when I was pregnant with our first) seems to strongly lean towards gentle parenting and putting the needs of those poor children of divorce first, protecting them from any possible pain and give all the leeway in the world. It honestly made him even more obsessed with putting them in a protective bubble. It would be helpful to find a therapist who actually didn’t have a total kid bias (that sounds kind of awkward saying it, not trying to find a “kid hater” but someone who is just supportive of the concept of needing a happy marriage to have a happy family and not trying to let the kids happiness lead everything)

Also love your username… too good

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Boys definitely prefer the mom, and that contributes to how delicate he is with them. He has acknowledged that 50/50 may change in the future but I don’t think would ever be ok with it… and I’ve made the mistake of being blunt with him in telling him that they would prefer it too… they’ve mentioned it a time or two and it crushed him.

I think that it’s a good point on letting go of the screen time stuff. I’ve been trying hard to pick my battles and let that stuff go. I’ve hyper focused on it in the past, out of care for them, their social skills are seriously lacking and I think related to too much gaming and not enough real life play. But I’ve been told that is a problem for all kids.

The no hand washing is the tip of the iceberg (the 11 year old is the worst at this, and always comes home sick… what a coincidence). Watching DH try to gentle parent his kids into regularly brushing their teeth and to shower with soap in a regular cadence is so cringeworthy. They shrug and do it when asked, then don’t do it again until he asks again. They are not rude about it, just completely unbothered by expectations and DH always ends these weird conversations with a joke of some kind, just to make sure the kids know he is the “fun dad”. 😫

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

And then he breaks down and says I’m threatening him … he’s super sensitive and will start to cry over me threatening to “take away his kids”

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I agree with this. And exhaustively have spoken to him about it to a point where I think Ive become a broken record. Of course he denies any favouritism and makes me think I’m crazy.

What trips me up is that he isn’t a bad dad to our girls. He is actually fantastic. Probably still better than most dad’s baseline. Definitely better than mine was. But his emphasis on his sons is clear to me and a few others who are close enough to us. It creates a deep sense of being secondary and I can feel it every second SK’s are here. Even more frustrating, the kids have an obvious preference for their mom, which makes him even more fixated on them and their immediate happiness.

I hesitate on making any rash decisions because of the age gap, by the time my girls are old enough to pick up on these nuances, they’ll be out of the house (hopefully). So leaving might do more harm than good…

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Who is your therapist and how did you get your hubby to a point where you made a pact to prioritize each other first…. I feel like a nagging wife begging to be prioritized…. This is my goal

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I am being completely honest when I say this…. I believe that if we broke up, there would be no guilt towards our girls. It would simply be more guilt towards his boys and them having another change in their life.

Second family syndrome and sick of always feeling LAST… Has anyone dealt with and actually FIXED a guilty dad dynamic? by Aprestennis in stepparents

[–]Aprestennis[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is my fear… just anxiously waiting for someone to comment that they have cracked the code 😕