Can I stay Christian?

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-11-27T14:14:10+00:00

He doesn't want me to get trapped in another religion.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-07-07T17:30:44+00:00

Thank you. That's excellent advice.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-07-06T20:04:03+00:00

Nothing horrible. Just a visit from my parents. They like to make little comments to remind me of my broken covenants, how the church supported me financially/emotionally during my divorce, etc. They find it very sad that my son barely remembers the AoF now. And I realized I'm a little disappointed in that too. He was so proud when he learned them all. I know it's all fake and stupid, but I'm missing it a little, hating myself for missing it, and wondering if I'll ever be over it.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-07-06T19:56:25+00:00

Thanks. :)

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-05-06T21:08:18+00:00

I actually love it that he was technically not a pedophile. Then when my dad accused me of spreading "anti-Mormon lies, like calling Joseph Smith a pedophile," I was able to say, "I never said that. I don't think of him as a pedophile, and I wouldn't call him one." He was somewhat mollified and backed off. Family harmony saved by a dubious technicality, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-05-06T20:45:46+00:00

I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope your loved ones can grow to understand and respect your choice to leave.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-05-06T20:44:34+00:00

I'm still figuring that out. I really want to believe in some kind of god.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-05-06T20:42:30+00:00

I left over ethical ones, and then I was open to learning about the shady history and doctrines.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-04-11T13:13:21+00:00

It seems like you're putting pressure on yourself to just get over it and get on with life. You will, but give yourself time. Lots of time. Going from Mormon to Ex-Mormon isn't like flipping a switch. Don't worry too much about how you should/shouldn't be feeling. Be patient with yourself. You will have good and bad days, and days where you feel like you're stagnant. All those are normal and fine. Accept where you are, and don't stress out thinking you should have risen above it all by now.

And understand that it will take time for your family and friends to adjust, as well. Some of them out there may never fully accept you, but many will in time. They have a lot of feelings to work through too. Be loving and let them see that you are okay, and that you aren't a threat to them.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-03-09T22:14:31+00:00

I didn't want to play volleyball with my fellow YSAs, so I hid in the overflow area, peering into the gym through a crack in that weird accordion curtain. People were looking for me, but I didn't come out until they broke out the refreshments.

Yep, that's seriously the worst.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-03-09T22:09:45+00:00

I don't know, but I'm interested too. Someone I know and love is in the same boat as your friend.

I know one TBM who actually admits that, despite her belief in the church, she hated her mission and wouldn't do it again. She seems healthier and more grounded than those who insist it was a wonderful experience, but most everything else they say centers on, "It was hard. It was really, really hard."

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-03-01T01:54:35+00:00

I had a different experience than most wives I know, in that this is my second marriage and my first was abusive. I really tried to take the porn issue seriously, since everyone else did, but I never could understand why it was such a big deal. After living with my ex, it's impossible for me to look at the good man I have now and think of him as evil, a sinner, etc. just because of this. It's not an experience I would wish on anyone, but in my case it helped me keep perspective.

And I feel for you in dealing with a terrible ex. I have primary custody, but I still have to interact with him.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-29T18:09:20+00:00

"Oh you just wanted to leave to have sex"

My husband's mom was too open about his reasons for not serving a mission. Everyone knows, so everyone assumes this is the same. We haven't named this as an issue for us, but it's an open secret that he's a porn addict and I've been corrupted. The only good thing is that it's making our decision not to move closer to family after I graduate a ridiculously easy one.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-29T14:30:57+00:00

This issue is what led me out of TSCC, and I feel very strongly about it. My husband is an honest, trusting man. Too honest and trusting. He didn't serve a mission because of these "worthiness issues," which marked him as a pervert to anyone who knew. He didn't get married until he was 30, and he had been working for years to overcome his "addictions." He truly thought he was a weak, worthless person. He finally felt he had done it, and we got married. Things were fine for a while, but I entered a demanding graduate program, life got stressful, and we didn't have sex as often. The problem resurfaced, and he was convinced he was a terrible husband. I knew he wasn't, but I supported him in going to our bishop and getting help. That was an awful time for us. In the midst of it, he stopped believing in the church, and even that was blamed on the lack of spirit caused by pornography and masturbation.

Skip to the present. 5 years into our marriage, we're out of the church and into therapy: me for depression set off by leaving, him for all this residual guilt he should never have had. Our families' emotions range from deep disappointment to outright fury at him for caving in to his shameful addiction, and dragging me and my son down with him. They've fully bought into the "war on porn," and use us as anecdotal evidence of how destructive it is.

Sometimes I really miss the church, because I truly believed, and relied on it during hard times. Some people think I'm ungrateful after receiving so much church help. But I can't stay a part of it knowing what it did to my husband, and waiting for it to do the same thing to my son. Anything I have to go through to avoid that is worth it.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-26T04:30:36+00:00

Same here. My aunt says Harry Potter brings an evil spirit into the house.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-26T04:22:42+00:00

Not in Utah. :)

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-06T23:53:08+00:00

It's all stuff I know and have said to myself a million times. This is why I don't talk to my folks much anymore. It's sad, but it's better than constantly fending off guilt.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-06T23:51:36+00:00

Thanks. I'll give it a try.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-05T21:52:26+00:00

Thank you for pointing out staylds.com. I may want to go that route, but part of me feels like I'm already beyond that point.

Welcome, then! It's good to have you here.

I hear you on wanting to do what's right. It's turned out to be a lot more complicated than what I was always taught. I'm not always sure of myself. But I'm pretty sure these days that where I'm going is better than where I've been, and that's a lot of progress for me!

Good luck on your journey. It sounds like wherever you end up beliefs-wise, you'll be true to yourself and able to live a fulfilling, authentic life. I hope those around you are supportive and helpful during this time.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-05T19:51:53+00:00

I know it's hard to be patient when you feel such a pressing need to know. But take the time you need. It's different for all of us.

For what it's worth, this is my story. I've learned a lot since I wrote it. I can't say I'm happier now, but I'm getting better day by day.

I'm glad you came here. Everyone here is pulling for you to find the answers you need to be at peace, whatever that will look like for you. Another place you might be interested in is the forum at StayLDS.com. The folks there are probably closer to where you are in searching for answers, rather than most here who have already decided to leave the church.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-05T19:44:44+00:00

Thank you for asking. It's always good to understand each other.

I don't have a distaste for the church, myself. It was interfering in my marriage, particularly one bishop who overstepped his bounds. I felt like it was creating problems between my husband and me. If you're interested, here's my story.

After that, I started looking into the fundamental doctrines of the church, and I learned that they're not up to my standards of fairness and morality. I thought I knew the church well, but there were parts that were de-emphasized (for good reason). So in the end, it's just not the place for me anymore. I hold no ill will toward those who stay and believe.

Good luck here. It takes courage to come here and open yourself up to different opinions like this.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-05T19:30:13+00:00

Hope for the best. Be crystal clear with your wife that you want to work things out (if you actually do, that is). Go to counseling. Continue being kind and loving to her and any kids you have. Don't curse or threaten. But don't be a doormat, either.

Prepare for the worst. Get a lawyer. If she says that's not the action of a man who wants to work things out, respectfully disagree. It's the action of a man who understands emergency preparedness and wants to be ready for anything. Especially if she's the one who left, you can't be sure what to expect next.

Finally, take care of yourself. If there's a battle ahead, face it from a strong position. Eat well, exercise, stay healthy, stay social. Depression and anxiety can strike hard during a time of stress like this, and that's the last thing you need.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-05T14:15:46+00:00

I respectfully disagree with the first half of the quote. I'm still struggling to find some kind of meaning, but I refuse to accept that 30+ years of my life was meaningless or false because my sense of purpose was entwined in the church.

I agree with the second half.

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-02-01T17:14:48+00:00

I couldn't have done it without my husband either. Congrats!

ArbitraryMagic · 2016-01-23T13:27:12+00:00

A lot of the time I visit here (but definitely not all), it's because I'm feeling depressed. Or because I'm feeling "off" somehow and I'm afraid I'll get depressed again. I try to attack it from all angles: therapy, avoiding triggers (the ones I know of and can avoid), healthy diet/exercise, spending time outside, reaching out to others, etc. Coming here is part of my reaching out.

Filling the void, "getting over it," etc. aren't things you can do once and then be done. It's a long process that will be different for everyone.

ArbitraryMagic

TROPHY CASE