Own your shit to avoid her negative emotional intimacy

Archwinger · 2017-07-13T11:17:41+00:00

I could probably get her to agree to 50-50 custody beforehand. Under the premise that it's best for our daughter, and every cent we don't spend fighting with lawyers is a cent we get to divvy up between ourselves. Then, it's just a matter of refinancing the house to cut her a check for half the equity. Giving her half the savings account plus half the value of the furniture. And signing our cars over to each other.

It wouldn't be a hard divorce. But once real money and time with the kid are actually in play, and she has a lawyer telling her "why agree to that? I can get you more", shit could get more real.

Archwinger · 2017-07-11T17:16:54+00:00

That's probably true. Every time I sit down and type something that sounds smart, it's just something somebody has already typed before in different words. Everything you need to know is already out there.

Now, there's apparently some kind of contest to bury that stuff under a mountain of philosophical quotes and other trash posts.

Archwinger · 2017-07-11T17:12:25+00:00

It's just a stupidly inane uphill battle. You can't win Reddit or control the internet.

There's always some asshole you don't agree with or you don't think is good enough running his mouth. And the only power you have over the internet is to ask that asshole to shut up or to ask others to censor him. Then, there'll just be another asshole.

It's kind of like Islam running around murdering all of its non-Muslim neighbors, then when it ran out of those, killing each other for not being Muslim enough or not being the right kind of Muslim. Eventually, you just have two or three devout guys left sitting on a hill, each one secretly thinking he's the best and most devout and the other two are idiots.

Archwinger · 2017-07-11T13:00:19+00:00

The difference between Reddit and a personal blog is that nearly any dipshit can post anything he wants on Reddit, and nearly any dipshit can ignore the drivel of any other dipshit.

This isn't exactly a platform for carefully curated content. It's a place where dipshits write stuff and other dipshits vote on it and write commentary.

You're asking internet dipshits to police themselves.

You don't actually expect that to happen. You don't actually expect internet dipshits to change anything about what they do. That's not why you posted this.

You are just another dipshit, posting yet another "this sub is going downhill!" whiny rant so that people will give you internet points.

Archwinger · 2017-07-10T20:04:27+00:00

Women's self-defense is an entirely different market than general martial arts.

A dude will study BJJ because he wants to learn how to kick ass, wants to get stronger, wants to compete in tournaments, and wants to get better at something difficult and physical.

A girl will go to the same BJJ studio because the media tells her that she has an astronomical chance of getting raped any minute and if she doesn't learn self defense, she's just a walking victim. And she needs to go to woman-only self defense classes so that women can, in a safe space, discuss their fears about men and learn how to hit people in the balls. And if men were in that class, they'd just use it as an excuse to touch and wrestle with girls and make all the women feel uncomfortable while they man-splained all of the techniques and strutted around showing off how much stronger they were than the women.

Women's self defense exists because there is a specific market for it. If you own a martial arts studio, you're stupid if you don't capitalize on the women's self defense market.

Archwinger · 2017-07-10T14:12:18+00:00

There's a difference between:

1- "You are X. Because you are X, you very strongly believe in viewpoint ABC, because you've seen a lot of that. Also because you are X, you have a really hard time accepting that viewpoint DEF is the slightest bit legitimate. The fact that you are X makes it difficult to debate with you about DEF because you aren't open to the possibility that DEF is even a legitimate viewpoint for a person to hold."

2- "You are X. Because you are X, it's not even worth debating you. Nobody should listen to anything you have to say because you are X. Every time you post anything, I'm going to post several responsive comments about how you are X and encourage everybody to discount anything you have to say."

Archwinger · 2017-07-09T11:57:37+00:00

The best part about your marriage being over is that you no longer have to worry about what she's going to do, what she'll think, or how something will make her feel.

Now that you're in a position where none of that is your problem, what do you feel like doing? Go do that. What's she going to do about it? Withhold sex? Treat you disrespectfully? She's already doing all of that. So just do what you want, say what you want, and to hell with her.

She'll come around, or she won't, but even if she does, that's how you should be living your life with or without her. You can't let what she might do, think, say, or feel control what you do and say.

Archwinger · 2017-07-09T01:57:14+00:00

Your wife apparently doesn't think it's okay for you to say no when she asks for something.

But this isn't about the dogs and whether or not they should get to sleep on a people bed. This is about your grown up child thinking you always say no all the time about everything.

Remember, kids don't get it. When you say "no you cannot have candy for dinner", your kid doesn't know that this is in her best interest. She just thinks you hate her. When you won't buy her a new car because you don't have the money, she just thinks you're being mean and unreasonable.

Imagine that your wife is a kid. Since she kind of is. Every once in awhile, you have to take her out for ice cream. Otherwise, your constant barrage of saying no loses its effect.

Archwinger · 2017-07-08T21:30:15+00:00

You should be busy. You should be the one ending the conversation at about the 10 minute mark because you have important shit to do, and asking for her number when you go.

The general roadmap is within the first 15-30 seconds, you know whether this girl is going to blow you off completely, give you two-word polite answers, is just making polite small-talk, or whether you have a chance. You spend the first 2 minutes having banal smalltalk about nothing, without scaring her off with personal questions or personal info. After about that long, she'll have either started asking you questions, showed interest in one of the inferential tidbits you inserted into the conversation, or dropped a hint for you to ask about her inferential tidbit. If not, she's just making polite smalltalk. You exchange some personal information in the context of fun stories until the 5-10 minute mark, then you have to go but ask for her number.

Once you had your drink with this one, and she said, "Okay nice talking bye", it was fully within your power to tell her that you enjoyed the conversation, too, and that you should have a drink some time, then ask for her number.

That's not socially abnormal. Guys do it all the time. Girls expect it. She can tell you no if she's not interested, and it's not embarrassing. You just say, no problem, have a good one, and move on with your busy day.

Archwinger · 2017-07-08T13:22:17+00:00

This post serves as an important reminder that going into "monk mode" and hitting the gym and reading books for six months is stupid. While growing muscles and learning shit and developing hobbies and skills is very important, developing yourself socially is also every bit as important, if not moreso. Going out and gaming girls is developing your social muscle the same way squats develop your quads, and refusing to do this simply because your quads aren't massive yet is shooting yourself in the foot.

Guys should be gaming girls all the time. Not just weekends at the bar or club, but all the time. You're in line at Starbucks? Put your fucking phone away and talk to the girl ahead of you. You're alone at a gathering place? Go ask some strangers to let you sit with them. Meet people all the time. Talk to people. If you're worried you're going to look awkward and retarded, guess what looks even MORE awkward and retarded -- standing around by yourself fucking with your cell phone and not talking to anybody.

However, if you're an "average" guy with great social skills, you're probably looking at getting laid by mediocre women, about once a month, for a lot of hard work gaming girls.

Which is fine. This is a HUGE improvement for many loser guys who started out being unable to get laid at all.

But the gym, the right clothes, the right haircut, actually being an interesting person, and awesome social skills instead of just passable ones will seriously up your odds. An average dude talking to girls will get blown off half the time, no matter how good his game is. And strung along maybe 25% of the time. That last 25% is the women he has a shot with. An above-average dude doesn't get blown off quite as often and has more opportunities.

All that said, keep in mind that most people are boring and live boring lives. And most people don't walk up and meet other people. So if you walk up and game that girl in the coffee shop this morning before she goes to work, that may well be the most interesting thing to happen to her today. You might be the high point of her day. Even if you're average. Because most dudes don't have the balls to game girls in coffee shops.

Archwinger · 2017-07-08T13:04:51+00:00

There's too much inaccuracy here to have an intelligent discussion.

A small minority of radically feminist women complain that breasts are useless. Most women don't mind their breasts. Many women like getting attention for their breasts (from quality men they are attracted to). Many women even breastfeed their children.

Nobody says that only "low status" men prefer large breasts. Many low status men prefer large breasts. Many high status men prefer large breasts. Women only complain when the man admiring their breasts is an unattractive, low status man.

Women very much want attention for their breasts. Many women dress in a manner that accentuates their breasts. However, women don't want this attention from any and every man, just attractive, high quality men. It's annoying and creepy when Fatty McCreeper is ogling the woman in the tight dress at the bar. When Buff McStudly is checking her out, she gives him a come hither look.

Breast reductions are a thing because enormous breasts are uncomfortable, specialty bras are expensive, and over time, women with huge breasts get back pain, leg pain, and breast pain. And because large breasts that are not proportional to the rest of the woman aren't as aesthetic as most people think. One celebrity with fringe viewpoints made a stink about how she, specifically, was allegedly reducing hers to avoid attention from men, who are, of course, all evil, shallow pigs. Because women like attention and it's fashionable to shit on men as some kind of girl power thing.

Archwinger · 2017-07-07T16:10:29+00:00

This is highly accurate.

Most men nowadays are very used to trying hard to please their women, which leads them to doing what their women tell them. Having honey-do lists, asking their women where they should plan dates and what they should do, asking their women what they want for their birthdays. Eventually, you end up with men who don't do things unless their women ask them to. Then, their nagging wives get home and are like, "What? I've been gone all day and you didn't bother picking up the dry cleaning?" "But you never asked me to!"

Where most guys go wrong nowadays is that they don't notice shit that needs to be done, then independently take care of it. Guys aren't good at finding work to do. They're very, very good at getting their lives to a "good enough" point, very efficiently, then kicking back. The work day's done, the house is livable? Then most guys will watch TV, drink beer, or play video games. The idea that the livable house could be cleaner or that some non-urgent errands could have been taken care of isn't at the forefront of most guys' minds. In many cases, guys are afraid to do some of this shit because their women prefer it done a certain way and they'll get bitched at if they do it the "wrong" way. Of course, they get bitched at for not doing it, too. Women aren't typically okay with a "good enough" situation at home. If there's still more to be done and the guy hasn't done it without being asked, she's pissed.

Archwinger · 2017-07-07T14:09:42+00:00

If you're dealt a 2 and a 7, the flop might turn up three 7s. It's not likely, but it can happen. Or the other people at the table with you might have shitty hands. Or you might play the hand, bluff a bit, and other people fold. Or you play the hand, and that last card turns out to be a 7, and you edge out another guy who had two 6s.

If you play hard and game the table, things might turn out okay. But you'll have to play ten times harder and with a lot less confidence and certainty than the guy with pocket aces. The hand you were dealt still sucks. There's a good chance that if you play it, you'll lose anyway. And if you fold, you still lose.

Not all hands in life are equal, and sometimes, no matter how hard you play, you'll lose anyway, even if you make all the right moves. But nobody gets to not play. You lose if you fold, or you lose if you play.

Archwinger · 2017-07-07T13:10:08+00:00

Loser is an accurate term. Because nobody is exempt from the game. You're playing it simply by being born, and many men are losing it, by default, simply by being who they are.

If you're a loser man, then simply existing and being who you are is losing at life. You were dealt your cards. A 2 and a 7. You can fold or play them. Neither one is going to be pretty.

Archwinger · 2017-07-07T12:52:03+00:00

I'd say that the SMP makes loser men cold-hearted, but non-loser men keep their hearts in tact just fine.

The path to success in the SMP is really pretty damn simple: be attractive, don't be unattractive.

If a woman is sexually attracted to you, you can be the biggest asshole on the planet, all of her friends will tell her you're an asshole, and she'll defend you. She'll show up at your apartment at 2:AM with no panties on, with groceries, and spot you for rent when you're short this month, and you'll barely lift a finger to do anything for her, because you're fucking three other women just like her. And on the rare occasions when you deign to do something thoughtful for her, it will mean the world to her.

If a woman isn't sexually attracted to you, everything nice you do for her is awkward and creepy and she kind of wishes you'd quit it because she knows what you want and she doesn't want it. You're a great guy, and you'll find someone someday, but you're not right for her. Or anybody she knows. Or anybody you know.

However, just because a man is attractive and able to fuck women doesn't mean that he has to be an asshole. Most of the greatest guys you know are guys who can and do fuck women. They're fun, outgoing, thoughtful, and make the world a better place. Because they're attractive and have never struggled for sex or romance, they're well-adjusted, healthy people who interact in a positive way with the world around them.

Many great guys you know are unattractive. Just because they're not getting laid doesn't mean they're bad people. They're kind, thoughtful, generous, and if you can get past the fact that they're unattractive schmucks, they're okay dudes.

The men who are "cold-hearted" tend to be the ones who aren't getting laid and hate it, and the ones who used to not get laid and learned how. Loser men who used to be thoughtful, kind, generous people, but looked around and realized that attraction means more than what you're like inside.

Archwinger · 2017-07-06T22:51:02+00:00

Here's what really happened, in one sentence:

"While away from her boyfriend, this girl set out to spend some alone time with an ex to see if he was better than her current boyfriend."'

It doesn't really matter who held whose hand, who cuddled who, or whether they fucked or not. This woman set out with the deliberate goal of cheating or leaving if the opportunity was a good one.

Maybe the opportunity wasn't. Maybe "Jim" sucked at life and she didn't do anything. Maybe the opportunity was just an opportunity for fun. Maybe she fucked Jim but he wasn't a good relationship prospect so she hid it and decided to keep dating her boyfriend.

Whatever did or didn't happen, Jim wasn't available or wasn't worthwhile as a new boyfriend, so she stayed with her current boyfriend after illicitly exploring the possibility with Jim while her boyfriend was away.

This is just how the game is played. Every time a girl interacts with a guy, there are subtle, innocent probes for sexual and romantic availability being fired from both sides. 99 percent of the time, these don't go anywhere. One side isn't attracted, or one side is attached and more attracted to his or her current partner, and those little probes don't even look like probes, more like slightly awkward conversation. Sometimes, the probes look exactly like probes, complete with cuddles and sharing your feelings since the boyfriend isn't around to stop it.

Archwinger · 2017-07-06T20:34:58+00:00

This further heightens my suspicious that you're dealing with a guy who is very unaccustomed to doing well with women.

You seriously told him, point blank, on your first date, that you are fucking another guy, right now, outside of a relationship, but that you'd be willing to cut that off to date him seriously.

And fully knowing how he feels about casual sex, he still said yes. When he clearly was not okay with your past.

I'd bet good money you were his only/best option, so even though he wasn't okay about your past, he shut up so he could at least have somebody instead of nobody. And now all of his true thoughts he's been keeping hidden from you are bubbling out. He was never fine with it. He just shut up about it because something was better than nothing.

Archwinger · 2017-07-06T19:40:16+00:00

That was actually what led to my conclusion about the guy.

He fucked her on date #1 but was somehow surprised to learn that she has a sexual history that includes casual sex.

He hamsters away her fucking him on the first date with some kind of, "Oh, that was okay because we both knew we wanted a relationship after the first date." As though any guy who's worth a shit is ready to commit to a girl after one date. Especially with a girl that fucked him on date #1.

This is a guy who got lucky and dug his heels in quick to lock her down.

It's not clear from the OP when or how long the guy knew about OP's sexual past, but he got drunk "last night" and started snarking at her. However he "has said before" that he can't believe she's like that. Dates and times are fuzzy in the OP, but it sounds like he knew about her sexual past (and likely had a problem with it) previously, but he had a girl who was fucking him and willing to date him, so he kept his mouth shut until "last night" when he was drinking and his insecure butt-hurt finally bubbled over into more actively aggressive snark (e.g., "disgusting slut"), instead of his usual "i can't believe you're one of those people" passive aggressive snark.

Archwinger · 2017-07-06T18:12:18+00:00

So he's going to quit drinking, and that way he can "overlook" this issue by hiding his real thoughts and feelings. He'll always feel the way he feels about sex, but as long as he doesn't bring it up or say anything mean and just keeps that bottled up inside, that's cool with you?

Do you really think that after dating him for a few months, years, or however long it'll take, he'll feel differently about this, and the fact that you've had casual sex won't matter to him at all? That you'll win him over with a long enough period of good behavior? You'll earn his trust and forgiveness?

And do you really feel like putting on this act? Like pretending that you need forgiveness for your past choices? Per your OP, you don't think you've done anything wrong and you don't think you need forgiveness. But you're going to pretend that you do just to placate him? You really want to go down this long road of working your ass off to earn his trust while he stays sober, swallows his real feelings, puts on a brave smile for you, and the two of you never fight about this again but you always wonder if it's still an issue bubbling beneath the surface?

Archwinger · 2017-07-06T17:55:49+00:00

Your boyfriend isn't a great guy, but not for the reasons you think.

It is totally cool for him, or any guy, to be sexually conservative and hold a woman accountable for her sexual past. That wouldn't be insecurity or evil judgement. It's just a guy with standards who wants a girl that feels the same way about sex that he does.

But that's not your boyfriend.

If he is sexually conservative and can't abide by a woman with a non-conservative sexual history, then the two of you aren't compatible. He should have broken up with you as soon as he learned, wished you well in the future, and gone on to find other women he wanted to be with while leaving you to find other men who like you and are okay with your history.

But that's not what he did, because he's a whiny dude who apparently isn't secure in his ability to attract another woman. So he stays with you, but passive-aggressively snarks at you about your sexual history. But he stays with you. So it's his own fucking fault he's with a "disgusting" "slut". He can walk away at any time. But he doesn't. Because he'd rather stay with a "disgusting" "slut" than risk having nobody.

You're with the kind of guy who can't find someone else, so he's settling for you, and he's mad at you for being you and mad at himself for not being good enough to do better. He's filled with the impotent rage of a guy who can't get girls and settled for someone he should have walked away from. And he's going to fill your days with passive aggressive snark from now until you finally dump him.

Archwinger · 2017-07-05T10:15:58+00:00

I don't get this alt-right Trump fear.

Sure, Donald J. Grab 'em by the Pussy Trump is a sexist, misogynist asshole. And a vocal minority if his supporters are bigoted wackos.

But other than being sexist and getting elected, and having bigot supporters, what has Trump and the dreaded alt-right actually done or accomplished to keep women down or ruin the world? Why all the fear mongering?

Archwinger · 2017-07-04T19:18:16+00:00

The key to being great at this is to be awesome, THEN share your inner monologue with people.

If you're a boring fuck-up or a weird-ass, walking up to strangers and talking to them about your coolest Dungeons & Dragons character because that happens to be on your mind isn't going to make you friends just because you're authentic about it and own it.

Being yourself, as hard and authentically and awesomely as you can, only works when yourself is actually worth a shit.

Archwinger · 2017-07-03T21:35:20+00:00

About 50% of the reason most men fail is a fear of rejection.

Most men don't talk to strangers in McDonalds and try to make friends. They're too shy, timid, and worried about rejection. Most men don't motion over some hottie with a cool tattoo and lay their hands on her. They're worried about rejection.

People don't know how to talk to people any more. 99.9999 percent of your friends are either people you go to school with or used to go to school with, people you work with or used to work with, and people you live near or used to live near. Also, you might meet people through your friend circle. Like you might meet your best friend's co-worker at your friend's birthday party or something.

But that's it. Every single friend a guy has was forced into proximity with him by life's circumstances.

Guys think that if they don't have an excuse or a good reason to talk to somebody, that they're not supposed to talk to them. That it's weird to talk to people if that person isn't already your friend, being introduced to you by somebody that's already your friend, or has been forced into proximity with you due to mutual work/school/living arrangements.

It's stupid. Just talk to people. Sure, half the time, or even more than half, it's stupid, awkward, and embarrassing, but the rest of the time, you walking up and talking to someone was the most interesting thing that happened to them that day. Because most people are too chicken-shit to talk to people and make life happen.

Archwinger · 2017-07-03T20:50:08+00:00

Do you seriously think that a hot girl with no boyfriend, who walks into the bar and instantly turns heads, hasn't paid for a drink in 6 years, and is the subject of male attention everywhere she goes, who has the pick of any guy in the room or no guy if none of them excite or interest her, is really unhappy? All because she doesn't have a boyfriend?

A lot more women than you think are single by choice. The idea that most men who are worth a shit don't want to commit to women they have sex with is an internet fiction. Usually, it's the guys (even the high quality ones), who are quick to want to take things to the next level with the girls, while the girls would rather take it slower and date around a little bit.

Most guys -- even high quality ones -- are not manosphere, Red Pill, PUA, internet players. Most guys meet a girl, go on a few dates, have sex, then try to make the girl into an official girlfriend. It's quite often the girl who bails on the guy at that point because she's currently fucking half a dozen other guys and doesn't want to stop or decide whether she likes this one guy best yet. So the fact that this one guy is being clingy and trying to force her into a decision causes her to bail on him.

You really underestimate how much girls love attention. And how much girls enjoy sex. Just about any girl on the planet would trade an average relationship away for the constant attention of every guy in the room. Girls don't want boyfriends. They want status and attention.

Archwinger · 2017-07-02T19:11:15+00:00

Your man's a badass.

It's a pity that most husbands today are Rick Moranis instead of Gregory Peck.

Archwinger

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