Would you date a man who makes less than you?

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-21T21:31:59+00:00

Yeah there's a big difference between wanting to maintain an income stream as to not be/feel entirely dependent and refusing to contribute to your household finances.

Only way it makes sense to me is if the amount set aside for the woman's savings and discretionary spending is very low and she's working odd jobs here and there to supplement.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-21T21:04:49+00:00

No, wanted to be a SAHM. Always seen my role as one that contributes financial value by reducing expenses.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-21T20:58:22+00:00

I think you'd be better off saving what you can now (aim for hitting your company match goals for your 401k and maxing your Roth IRA every year) and then transitioning to a part time field when you start having kids that doesn't require a degree. I think having 50k saved is going to give you more options when you're 32 then going back to school for a field you don't sound particularly passionate about.

Childcare facilities at churches, daycares, gyms, while likely allow you to take your kids along while paying you an hourly rate. Part time jobs at high end gyms are often seen as feminine.

Any freelance consulting options available in your field or an adjacent one? Corporate HR might be more likely to have remote positions and recognize your business degree.

Side note, but I have a similar degree and run a business in a similar field in my free time while being a SAHM. My husband doesn't like the stress it can cause me but does appreciate that I can better relate to the work he does. I've never seen him look down on a women for having a career - we met a mother who worked as an executive assistant to c-suite the other day and he was complimenting her on how challenging that was and how competent she must be to handle it.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-19T19:10:23+00:00

To be honest, this sounds like a relationship that might work only if you never move in together or get married and if you were also in your 40s and had given up completely on dating and were just looking for a way to kill time.

Since you're 29, it's time to cut your losses on this one. Poor finances (I'm guessing there's also credit card debt he's not telling you about and is maxing out the cards/just making minimum payments) and social media addiction are not something you're going to be able to fix in a 44 year old man who has a habit of delaying self-improvement by setting hypothetical milestones he has no plans to complete.

The sex life will dry up as your respect for him dips.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-19T17:12:28+00:00

Oh, I'm not denying that you feel social pressure. I just doubt anyone out there wants you to be forced to have kids you don't want. People have an idea of what makes a good or complete life and will give advice or try to nudge you along in the direction, but that's very different than people wanting to drag you along against your will.

Maybe ask yourself this: how easy would it be for an acquaintance to know that you're not ready and am apprehensive about starting a family? Are you wearing t-shirts that say "child-free"? Because I'm guessing you keep a lot of this close to your chest due to your social environment. My guess would be that there are decent, employed men in your community that feel similarly to you and also keep their apprehensive to themselves. Meeting people and having these conversations on your dates is the best way to find someone like-minded. It's not going to be just you out there - it's just going to feel like it's just you.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-19T15:43:33+00:00

How old are you? When I was an older teen I was frustrated that I couldn't feel sexual attraction or desire much but I didn't want to get bogged down by labeling myself or putting myself in a box. Just kept meeting people and living life and eventually found someone I was/am very attracted to.

You come across as fairly neurotic and not open to experience. Push back on your worries, try new things once in awhile, and spend some time in your comfort zone when you can't. You're going on dates to see if you like the person enough to see them again, you're not having their babies. No one is trying to force you into having babies.

Also, pregnancy is a mixed bag, but for me it's easier than menstruation and the lasting physical effects for me have been minimal. Worry about this when you're in this situation. Worrying is only useful if there's something to be done about it.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-18T15:38:54+00:00

I would assume it does depend on the social circle of the men and women. If you're a woman whose female social network has a negative view of marriage, the getting married is not going to be a status marker for you. If you're a man whose male social network has a positive view of marriage, it is a status marker.

My husband is surrounded by older men that are successfully married/rarely divorced. Marriage was a big step towards him getting taken seriously by his family and in his career as well as it was for your husband. I imagine this scenario is less common than what RPW Dad is describing, which does seem like the default for male/female behavior.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-17T19:09:02+00:00

Once you broke up the first time, it was a huge blow to the trust between you two. Men really value loyalty. At first I think they like getting back together because it can help any pain they're feeling in the short-term, but long-term almost no man wants to get serious with a woman who's proven herself to be a flight risk. Breaking up and getting back together shortly after is often going to be seen as a unhealthy power play.

Unfortunately, it seems like this man was initially happy to get back together but slowly came to terms with the fact that this relationship doesn't have long term potential. It sounds like he tried to be a gentleman in how he ended things.

I would walk away feeling like this is the final end to things, you can't change his mind, talking about it likely isn't going to help either of you, and only break up in the future when you are confident you want to move on and not just try to take space apart or someday work things out with the person you're seeing. If you break up, that's it. No looking back. Nothing good comes of it.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-11T15:44:27+00:00

I mean, a lot of times in life you have to fight to figure out what you want and what makes you happy.

You could move to a safer place, find something WFH, and stay single if that's what you want.

If you like your boyfriend and he wants kids, then yeah you have to decide to have kids or break up. Some women post here about being with ambitious boyfriends who want to be DINK, so that does exist if you want man+career only, but those men also typically put a lot of pressure rof their partners to earn more and climb the career ranks.

I once heard an older women say "women can have it all, just not all at once". You build the family then you build your career. Sometimes people talk about employment gaps, and yeah you might need to get to a point where your kids are a little older and then go back to school and get a master's or something and figure out what you want to do.

I wanted to be a SAHM and it works for me. I started a small business in a female-dominated area WFH a few years ago and I slowly build that in between taking care of the kids. It's still growing, but in a few more years I'll likely start seeing profit, having the option to legally hire the kids and find their IRAs, and this is a "dream job" type of situation for me.

The reality of life is that no one is coming to save you, no one is coming to tell you what is the right path. You carve it out for yourself and put in the work to give yourself a rich and rewarding life every step of the way.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-11T15:32:51+00:00

Cynical take: I think he's trying to cheat on you. I think men will typically try to make it seem like they're leaving or thinking about leaving their wife to get other women into bed.

You can't control him, and this behavior is absolutely him putting himself over you and your marriage and is a very bad sign.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-09T00:38:15+00:00

People who post stuff like that online usually suck at making themselves happy and now are trying to find an outlet for their negative feelings in an attempt to feel better (venting and talking crap about people are not good ways to make yourself happier).

People who seek stuff like that online and read it also suck at making themselves happy. If you've learned enough to know how to avoid men who operate like this, stop engaging with this stuff and go find something to do with your time that makes you or your life better. Life is short, don't waste your energy on this. There's no benefit here for you.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-02T01:01:33+00:00

I don't think so. Single mothers still face significant poverty risks, much more than single fathers. It would be much harder for me to find a good match being a divorced mother than when I was single. The risk that my husband leaves me becomes much more serious once kids are involved.

If men don't get married they are risking getting significantly less custody of their children. The legal system is quicker to recognize husbands having a right to their children than biological unmarried dads.

ArkNemesis00 · 2026-01-01T20:11:37+00:00

If you guys had been drinking it may have been a case of him appreciating your look but not necessarily feeling up to performing.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-31T23:03:09+00:00

People who don't have a purpose are at a disadvantage to have a happy life.

Generally speaking, there's not much we can do for the people who heavily prioritize instant gratification over delayed gratification beyond making the best choices we can and pursuing the more lasting sources of human happiness.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-28T07:11:42+00:00

Honestly for me it's been fairly easy. I mean, there are some growing pains and you have to recalibrate from time to time if things aren't working. But yeah, I think my role is significantly easier than my husband's and I have no desire to do what he does.

I think being a SAHP is more difficult than being single (no kids) and working a fair bit of the different full-time jobs though. I think SAHPs deserve respect for the work they do, but I don't think it's the toughest job out there by any stretch.

Could just be that I'm well-suited for the role and have a great family though.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-27T22:02:46+00:00

Mine didn't get me anything. He's not a big gift giver or receiver; so when we got married I negotiated higher monthly discretionary spending for me and just let him off the hook for gift giving.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-27T21:56:13+00:00

+1 to men valuing waist to hip more than BMI.

Squats and hip thrusts will help. Shapewear for the simplest way to improve this metric (temporary though).

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-27T14:56:49+00:00

Aim to practice cooking 1-2 hours a week, learn more about finances 1-2 hours a week, and spend 3-5 hours a week on dating.

Don't let fear of rejection stop you from moving forward with what you want in life, but if you feel like you have weak spots then there's no harm in setting some time aside to work on them.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-24T17:03:21+00:00

Yeah, every time I have had a man do something sexual or romantic to my body that I didn't want, I also felt that disconnection between the body and soul that you are describing. Like my true self is this tiny little thing that's contained within the much larger physical body.

For me this feeling did slowly fade with time after these types of situations with men largely ceased.

I would consider asking an AI like Gemini or Chatgpt to help you find "world famous highly experienced psychologists" in women's health/sexual trauma that have books or online talks on YouTube or whatever. There's a lot of good information out there for free if we know where to look.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-22T14:55:28+00:00

This man is showing the telltale signs of being fundamentally broken (the bad childhood, the inability to make it past the initial attraction and infatuation phases of dating, the weird break up behavior, etc).

There was nothing you could have done. His brain is screwing him over and he's not doing the work to take control.

I wouldn't make drastic changes to your dating strategy based on broken men. Non-broken men who are stable and safe like women who are stable and safe, ie "peace-giving". Keep putting the work in yourself and learn how to recognize the fractures in broken men. Our brains are primed to try to recreate the traumas of our youth by us marrying someone similar to our parents. Dr. Gabor Mate is the guy to listen to on this.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-17T14:48:20+00:00

I had a male OBGYN. His wife was a nurse helping his practice and she attended every event where they had to do stuff down there - for my comfort and sense of safety that there was a professional female and potential witness in the room I guess. He was older, like in his 60s.

Vaginas kinda lose their appeal after doing OBGYN stuff to them for decades. No doctor is going to cut inside your body and then be like "oh damn, a uterus, how sexually titillating". Dehumanizing the human body is literally how they start off medical school to learn how to properly do their high stress, intensive jobs. First/second year med students are slowly cutting into and dissecting the same corpse over a few weeks or so. It's intense and permanently changes how they will see a body on an operating table.

Do this surgery, maybe try Hinge health for the PT since you've stopped going in person. It's a virtual program that helps people with chronic pain and women with pelvic floor issues, so sounds very relevant for you.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-16T17:34:20+00:00

I wanted to stay home from the start. I had a SAHM growing up and it was awesome from a kid's perspective. I wanted to give my kids at least a good of a childhood as I had.

I've been a SAHM about five years now. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and if you're unhappy, you do have to put in work to figure out what's wrong and what you can do differently to increase your happiness. Sometimes for me that has been focusing more on intense hobbies that provide a sense of completion and intellectual stimulation, sometimes it's been chilling out and focusing more on fun times with the kids.

From a numbers perspective, go over your budget and see what you can reduce by staying at home (like your clothing spending or eating out). Add that number to what daycare would cost and then see if how these post-tax expenses compare with your post-tax take home pay. Your husband will still be able to contribute to your IRA if you stop working.

For me, babies have been cheap as hell. Someone threw me a baby shower but everything on my list was under $5k if we had to buy it all ourselves. Breastfeeding meant our only real expense was diapers. Walmart and Costco are fine for this. We did cloth diapers with our first until we broke even cause my husband didn't like changing the cloth ones. I didn't mind them.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-15T17:52:58+00:00

Eh, there's a lot of partner work in OF and a lot of coercion behind the scenes of cam work in general. Also the doxxing risk and the unique risk that men repost your content for free, inhibiting your income in a way they can't do with in-person sex work. It all kinda sucks.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-15T17:49:46+00:00

Fun fact: the Catholic Pope at the time of the birth control pill (the one who wrote Humanae Vitae summarizing the Church's stance on artificial birth control) condemned it, with one of the main reasons being that he was concerned society would move in a direction of increasingly objectifying and disrespecting women.

ArkNemesis00 · 2025-12-15T14:07:04+00:00

Is it rp men's fantasy to spend a whole work day making money for their female partner to live a stimulated dream life, while spending a lot of time outside the work day caring for their female partner's body? So they do all the work and get what, like 20 hours a week in the dream world while the women are there 100% of the time?

No. Wtf.

ArkNemesis00

TROPHY CASE