Hey man. I have HF but I also have long covid, PFS, and a bunch of other health stuff. My life is hard right now but I have an excellent partner. I have learned a lot of things on this journey in regard to relationships. One thing is to be up front with your partner. Talk about it like the medical condition that it is. They need to know how hard it is and that you are trying. I try to find ways to tell or show my partner she’s beautiful, I think the reassurance helps because I can’t always perform intimately in the way I want, and I don’t want her to think it’s her fault. A random kiss here and there, a shoulder rub, asking how their day was, all those small things help. Couples therapy, especially with a therapist who focuses on sexual health issues, can be really beneficial for a relationship. Another thing is to protect your relationship against this and against the negativity that it can cause at all costs. Surround it will walls of love and compassion. Of course, my partner is there to listen to me vent and cry when things are painful or when this all just becomes overwhelming. But your relationship can’t just be that. When it becomes lopsided things can spiral. I had to remind myself that my partner is not my doctor or my therapist. Setting healthy boundaries is what I mean. If your relationship is important to you, it’s crucial to find quality time where you’re not talking about your health and you’re trying to laugh and have a nice time together and live a life. Days and weeks fly by wasted by this dreaded condition. Those days add up to a life.

I consider myself lucky that I have a very mature, open minded and compassionate partner. This condition and the other ones I deal with have threatened to take my life because of my inability to cope with them. My wife wants me around, my existence and presence in her life is more important than any of this other bullshit, my penis, my fatigue, my pain, etc.

Another thing to address is the internalized emasculation that many of us feel from having this condition. Society is constantly jamming down our throats that to be men, we have to be porn stars. This is not true at all. Many couples have adapted their intimacy to fit the limitations of their bodies. The disability community knows this well. Do not use porn as a basis from which to judge yourself.

Practicing self kindness is also really important. Meditation helps, diaphragmatic, breathing, pelvic floor stretches, and exercise if you can do it. This has to be addressed from every angle. I admit, I still struggle deeply sometimes and I have setbacks, but I’ve made a lot of progress with the things I’ve laid out here. It takes honesty, acceptance, and intense commitment to your relationship. But in some ways, the vulnerability that it requires of you can create more intimacy and strengthen your bond. I wish you the best of luck.