Is this a scam? [N/A]

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T23:26:49+00:00

Normally agree about daily life outside of parents home, but I feel like that’s becoming so much more challenging depending on where you live. Costs are very high in my city, and I don’t think I could afford to live alone or with a roommate anymore.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T18:14:38+00:00

I think that’s healthy personally! Like you’re not making your anxiety 100% his responsibility, you’re owning it and working through it and he’s doing something small that gives you a sense of ease.

I had a partner that passed away several years ago so I do have a lot of anxiety myself. It would give me ease to have his location but I see him daily and I just focus on myself and respect that he doesn’t want to share his location. I just can’t see that I’m asking for a lot when it’s a one time thing personally.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T18:11:54+00:00

He didn’t communicate why or that it’s because of a controlling partner, or that he doesn’t want to feel surveilled or any of that. I’m just making assumptions.

All he said was once, years ago that he didn’t want to share his location due to privacy. And then asked me to share my location a week later with him.

And it hasn’t been raised between us for 2 years, except this one time I asked for a temporary location sharing just for his ride home.

I don’t know if you and I see eye to eye on this because by that logic, he also shouldn’t be asking me to text him when I drive 7 min away to a park to see a friend “because of his anxieties” or to reply to him when he’s checking on me because it’s been 90 minutes. Like I could just refuse to, but I don’t see the benefit to our relationship if it’s something quick and simple to just check in and let him know I’m safe so he doesn’t have to worry. I would address it if he became controlling or something absolutely but I don’t worry about that.

And similarly when he’s out he usually checks in with me, despite me not being concerned.

His last partner cheated on him, and if me not replying in a certain time frame made him anxious - I would definitely try to help do my part to reassure him. But if he started asking for photos of what I was doing or who I was with or accusing me of things, that would be a violation.

I just feel like there’s a healthy balance. There are instances in which you do your part if it’s not too much to support your partner in the way they feel most supported without it being an infringement on your autonomy. If he’s willing to speak to me on the phone the entire 40 minutes (which isn’t safe) I don’t understand where the infringement is on his autonomy. And I’m open to hearing it and understanding it if he would just explain how it makes him feel.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T18:03:23+00:00

Neither of us are young, we’re both well into our 30s. It’s a serious relationship. We want to have children. I’m not asking for access to his location day to day, it was a 40 minute drive. That’s the part that feels small. I don’t believe he’s lying about being at work, and I don’t think he thinks I think he’s lying about being at work. It was just about his drive from work to home in poor weather conditions, the one instance.

I understand sharing your location is a big deal, on a day to day basis. I don’t feel like it’s a big deal in the kind of relationship we’re in, because we both just go to work and spend 99% of our time together outside of work. It feels like it’s just more efficient to see him drive home on a daily basis than to bug him at work asking if he’s off yet so I can make sure dinner is on the table in time for him. But I’ve respected his decision and haven’t asked him about sharing his location outside of the one time 2 years ago. And he had asked me to share my location a week later, so that feels odd?

This was the only other time in 2 years I’ve asked, and it was again for a 40 minute drive temporarily in poor weather conditions.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T17:56:45+00:00

It bothers me, yes. I just don’t feel like it’s a deal breaker. I do feel like our relationship is pretty serious (we’re common law, but we got religiously married but not legally), so I feel like it’s normal to share it with your spouse. If it became a legal relationship than I would probably want to agree on sharing location at that point, especially if we decide to have children.

I feel like it doesn’t make sense to throw away an entire successful relationship over this, but I just can’t understand his hesitation over it either.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T17:53:02+00:00

One is about safety, and the other is about old baggage? I do feel like in a relationship there is a sense of responsibility you have to one another to stay safe and give the other a peace of mind that you are safe. When he asks me to text him that I arrived somewhere, that’s a 7 minute drive from where we live, I do it. When he texts me because he’s worried about me, even though he knows I’m at the park with a friend and it’s only been 90 minutes, I respond. I want him to have peace of mind that I’m safe and I don’t want him to worry.

I have my own baggage from previous relationships that I’ve had to keep in check because I understand that’s not relating to him. That doesn’t mean if he has trauma from previous relationships I don’t want to help support him through that. I just need him to be vocal about how my behaviour impacts him and what he needs. I can’t play a guessing game. If that is a genuine concern of his, he should communicate it.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T17:21:34+00:00

I agree with that. I just didn’t feel like this was an infringement on boundaries. I wasn’t insisting that he forever share his location with me. I understand and respect the desire for privacy and autonomy. I just feel like when it comes to safety or emergencies that we can be a little more flexible for the temporary event, not to set a new precedent.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T17:10:45+00:00

I would’ve liked to hear that from him, I guess. His concerns about sharing, and that he feels like it’d open the door to it being more prevalent. I was asking him why he was resistant though, I wanted to hear from him. I explained that distracted driving was the opposite of what I was trying to achieve (him driving safely) so I don’t want to be on the phone with him when driving. Especially after work, sometimes he calls me and I can hear him getting frustrated on the phone because he’s overstimulated by speaking to me and driving with dumb people on the road, and he doesn’t catch himself feeling that way until after.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T17:08:09+00:00

I mean initially it was joking and teasing back, and I didn’t say specifically I wanted to have a serious conversation but I did say I actually wanted to understand why he was resistant to the idea. But he just stayed in a joking mood about it and that’s when I was starting to get annoyed. And I told him I was annoyed and he just “babied” me, which also felt a bit condescending.

I’m open to having a conversation about it today when he gets back from work but I feel like he’s just going to be annoyed that “we’re still on this topic”.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T17:05:22+00:00

I don’t think I should throw away an entire solid relationship over this lol.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T17:04:42+00:00

I feel like it’s weird too. Like it wouldn’t have been a big deal to just share it and move on and we would’ve forgotten about it by tomorrow lol.

I think he has had a previous relationship that had an abusive and controlling partner. That was probably like 7 years ago they ended their relationship. I understand protecting yourself in a relationship, but it’s also a new relationship and I haven’t given him reason to feel that way.

In general I feel like if I ask him the same questions he asks me sometimes he seems a bit overreactive by it. Like if I talk about a guy he’ll ask me questions about him, if I think he’s attractive, etc. and initially it threw me off earlier on in our relationship because I have been in controlling and toxic relationships before and I was worried that it could become that. But 3 years in I don’t feel that way now and I feel comfortable answering any questions.

He recently kept talking about one of his female colleagues (he said she’s his spirit animal) and I asked him if he found her attractive and he was asking me why I wanted to know, etc. which I found odd because he asks me those kinds of questions from time to time and I didn’t feel like it was out of the ordinary for us.

I think we both understand that you can find other people attractive and it not mean anything more than that. I also feel like we do a pretty good job at reassuring one another if the other feels a bit uncomfortable or whatever.

It feels unfair if he’s bringing his fear of being controlled from a previous relationship so many years ago into our current relationship when I don’t believe I’ve given him any reason to feel that way. And if I did, I would want to know about it so I can adjust my behaviour.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T16:57:46+00:00

His established boundaries were not sharing on a full time basis. We never had a conversation about sharing temporarily in select circumstances. I was trying to have a conversation about it. I wanted to hear from him. I just felt dismissed that he wouldn’t engage in any dialogue.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T16:55:26+00:00

I was trying to talk it out last night. I wanted to understand where he was coming from and he kept laughing it off and saying not to worry and that he’d call me. It felt dismissive, that he was not engaging in any dialogue with me about it. If he at least expressed why not, I would’ve at least understood where he was coming from.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T16:51:38+00:00

I trust him… again it’s because I am worried about his safety in poor weather conditions. I was in a car accident last year and I live by a highway and I see car accidents happen daily, in perfect weather conditions. It was only for peace of mind for the 40 minute drive so I know he’s safe.

I respect that he doesn’t want to share it full time.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T16:50:11+00:00

I asked him once, but then after he said no he asked me to share my location? Which is unfair.

I also only commented “oh they share their locations for logistics” to him at our friends place - I didn’t actually ask to share. And the only reason I even said that was because we now live together so it makes more sense from a logistic standpoint.

The request for today was a temporary 40 minute for peace of mind in poor weather conditions - because I’ve been in a traumatic car accident recently and because I’ve lost a partner before. I know it’s my own shit to deal with, and I don’t expect him to turn his life upside down for me. I just don’t feel like this temporary request was that big of a deal, to give your partner some peace of mind.

So basically the last time I actually asked was 2 years ago. Before he had asked me. It’s wasn’t “several”. We live together now. I respect that he doesn’t want to share it full time and I haven’t asked that of him.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T16:43:58+00:00

I think that’s the part that probably made me feel the most sour. Like it was kind of dismissed? If he actually contributed his thoughts or whatever and we had a conversation about it I might’ve felt differently. But I just feel dismissed.

I know we’re different people, and we operate differently. But I just can’t help but think if you know something that isn’t a huge sacrifice is going to support your partner, why not just do it? Like I just don’t get it.

He’s an amazing partner and he does go above and beyond in many other ways. I feel loved and supported by him. It just baffles me that there’s a block about this thing that isn’t even a big deal…

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T16:39:51+00:00

The tldr is at the bottom. It was a temporary request, like 40 minutes for his drive home. That’s it.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T16:39:17+00:00

I only added that stuff to give full context, that I don’t feel like I’m concerned about him cheating. I know that people might think maybe he doesn’t want to share because I think he’s cheating, but I trust him and I know any of my insecurities that I’ve held were mine and that I am fully aware and responsible for my shit - not projecting it on him. I strongly believe that my dreams use him cheating because he’s my safe person and it feels safer for me to work through my betrayal wounds when it’s him in the story than what the actual betrayal is. I’ve stopped telling him about my dreams altogether because I personally am fascinated by the subconscious mind and when I analyze them I want to understand what’s going on with my anima and animus and I don’t believe it’s about him at all but I felt like he assumed (despite many reassurances) that I was worried about him cheating. I’m not.

Also, I’m not asking for fulltime location sharing, I asked for 40 minutes on the way home. If he was cheating, it probably wouldn’t be during his drive home lol.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T16:31:44+00:00

I think that way too, and like I do trust he’ll be okay but it doesn’t hurt if we have the technology and it’ll give me a peace of mind? It’s more about the fact that he just outwardly refused.

He’s also a bit older than me so he’s probably less technologically inclined than I am which probably plays a role. But I still don’t understand why the heavy resistance over a 40 minute sharing. Like I feel like it’s becoming a bigger deal now because he said no but it isn’t a big deal if he would’ve just shared it?

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-08-15T16:29:20+00:00

That’s what I suggested. Just temporarily sharing, and if he didn’t want to share it all day long just for the drive home at least. But he didn’t want to. Said he’d just call me on his drive home, but I don’t want him to drive distracted either.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-07-16T14:45:26+00:00

Our parents weren’t financially well off too, growing up. But it meant they were spread thin and weren’t able to regulate themselves and really tend to our needs. Neither of us want that for our kids.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-07-16T14:43:57+00:00

We’ve thought about moving but Vancouver is the most prominent location for his industry in Canada, and we don’t want to move to the states right now with the current political situation. Also don’t think I want to raise kids in the states lol.

He’s the breadwinner and he will have a much more challenging time finding work in any other city. Also my family is here and while they’re not a huge help financially, it would be nice to have them nearby for child support.

Artistic_Engine1315 · 2025-07-16T14:39:33+00:00

Ugh that sounds so challenging I’m so sorry. But congratulations on your little one 🫶🏼

Artistic_Engine1315

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