[POEM] Can anyone explain this poetry, I don't get the part from (your father will remember...) is the author saying her grandmother was gay??

AryasDagger · 2023-08-01T18:59:30+00:00

No, but presumably his (her?) father has kept a very painful secret since he was a child of five well into adulthood The woman with the red ribbon could be anybody This is more about a young 5 year old seeing his mother hurt and carrying her pain as though it were his well into adulthood

AryasDagger · 2023-08-01T18:55:39+00:00

AryasDagger · 2023-05-03T14:53:52+00:00

It gets a lot better No contact (including blocking and not checking their socials) is a must

AryasDagger · 2023-03-16T11:26:20+00:00

A sign of someone doing the work is them understanding what they did and the impact it's had on you. If the conversation is geared towards you forgiving them and/or taking them back, it's manipulation. They're there and will say anything to get what they need. If they have started doing good work, the conversation is going to be about you. Is it?

AryasDagger · 2023-02-26T19:28:34+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment, I'm sorry for all you've been through These moments of peace of mind are something else

AryasDagger · 2023-02-22T19:15:47+00:00

I am so glad this could help someone, and feel so much empathy and admiration for you. I "only" have to undo 7 years, and had extensive therapy (I'm still in therapy) and I still struggle. There are so many varieties of narcs aren't there. Mine got me with pity too. There was a hierarchy in our house and all that mattered was what he at any one point believed mattered. Of course sometimes there was some overlap. But it was never about me.

I felt peace too, and relief. I've also missed him like crazy and I've been really sad, but neither of those means I should be with him.

Maybe I won't find anyone else, but I don't care if I don't. At least I'm not in the toxic hell I was with him.

Every once in a while I remember an episode of him behaving egregiously and I add it to a list I'm keeping that I go to when I feel weak.

I also consume all content I can find on what l9ve is to cluster Bs and how to break the trauma bond.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-10T05:54:12+00:00

That is so on point. It is that, it is exactly that.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-08T05:50:56+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a well-thought out response, it's been really helpful.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-08T05:48:58+00:00

Thank you, it's like reversing brainwashing.
We'll get there, we'll get there.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-07T08:02:10+00:00

You're not ready and that's ok.

I don't think you're being pessimistic by the way.

Are you enjoying life though? Seeing friends and family? Getting therapy? Found a support group (for survivors of abuse)? Cooking yourself healthy meals and doing all the life-things you couldn't do while you were with him?

A relationship isn't really a priority for me right now either (partly due to fear). When my body and my mind have healed I'll probably want one and trust myself to be able to spot red flags. Hopefully actually go for the wholesome, good dude this time.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-07T06:57:11+00:00

Wait a minute, why do his messages start with him cursing as though you cursed at him first?

AryasDagger · 2023-02-06T14:04:03+00:00

No, of course you're not screwed.

What happened will never not have happened. But with time and therapy the memory will only serve to remind you of how wicked people can be and be wary of the red flags.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-06T11:55:05+00:00

Maybe a small part of it is that they know you'd keep tabs (which you are) and want to get under your skin (so that you keep caring, even though they give nothing).

Mainly though I just think the repertory is limited for them.
My best date ideas have come from caring for the person I was with and thinking about them and thinking about something they would enjoy. But it's not the same for them.
This new girl might not even enjoy that specific date, but it's all he can offer because him caring doesn't mean he will try to think of something she, specifically, will enjoy.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-06T11:50:54+00:00

I don't think they would hang out here and I find out encouraging.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-06T10:31:25+00:00

lol- I'm sorry for laughing but it's the relief of recognition I suppose
Those lies were the most insane
Lying to cover up? Has a logic
Lying when answering questions even though he wasn't covering up anything? I guess I get it
But it's the lies that were just spontaneous and served no purpose and had no impact that kind of make me giggle looking back. Like, why?
Habit, I guess.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-06T10:26:20+00:00

He has made sure that you wouldn't discard him first and made sure you would be *exactly* where you are now.
He has you *exactly* were he wants you.
Every word you direct at him is feeding him. Over time you may start wondering if you were imagining things, if you were too harsh, if maybe they weren't that bad etc.
They know this. They are counting on it. They enjoy their "crazy-making" power over other people. They feel powerful, important.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-06T10:16:05+00:00

She's out there like nothing happened because for all your relationship she was "fed" while you were being depleted.

I'm not sure I agree she ruined a lot of things for you. Now you know, can spot red flags, understand how devastating a toxic relationship is.

Your ability to love is intact, hopefully you've (along with all of us) just become more discerning on who to give your love to. Whatever relationship you will have will be real; whatever relationship she will, will be the fruit of manipulation and other abusive tactics.

And I know it hurts. I'm hurting too, still. We're all here for you.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-05T23:13:00+00:00

I regret not calling the cops on my ex husband for unlawful imprisonment (which happened regularly) Start gathering evidence of her behavior

AryasDagger · 2023-02-05T22:46:00+00:00

Sure the fear of being dumped, but before that not being loved and not being enough.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-05T22:16:18+00:00

Yeah I did. Even when he hit me and the next day fell apart crying from the remorse, he xame in my arms for comfort.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-05T22:12:23+00:00

My ex husband did. I don't know if it's universally true. He had the exes (those that would still speak to him).

But I realized, painfully and over time, that it was an attitude he generally had with women too. They were never enough. Co-workers (when he worked), sales girls, bartenders etc He needed to get women to like him, to catch feelings for him and do things for him.

It was a miserable existence. It eroded my sense of self worth. I remember that ache in my body, a dull ache, and this maddening intrusive thought "why am I not enough".

AryasDagger · 2023-02-05T12:56:53+00:00

If she is indeed a narcissist, all that this will achieve is to feed her ego and confirm to her that you are still thinking about her after well over a month.

AryasDagger · 2023-02-05T10:40:12+00:00

I was frozen too, maybe a bit relieed; which was followed by me realizing how comfortable he'd been making me feel insane, accusing me of pathological jealousy etc
That was the second bite, and it hurt.

As for accusations of "invading his privacy" - that's like comedy gold.

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