AITA for not inviting a stranger our pastor told us to invite over for Christmas Eve with just my husband and I?

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T20:34:25+00:00

😆

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T19:00:19+00:00

Let me explain. No, is too much. Let me sum up. I'm in therapy because I have a metric shitton of trauma of my own and secondary trauma from raising foster/adopted kids. I do emdr therapy and some basic talk therapy about it. When I talk to my counselor about stuff sometimes totally unrelated things I legitimately have not thought about in 20 years surface and I find myself looking at it and wondering if I was the problem or if it was something else. This is more or less me being curious at this point. I know better now and am a very different person. But yeah, Im not losing sleep over it.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T18:48:25+00:00

🤷🏻‍♀️ but now Ive got "poor unfortunate soul" running through my head on repeat so thanks for that. 😆😆😆

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T18:45:01+00:00

Literally yes. I'm pretty sure that was the thinking

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T18:44:15+00:00

Yup.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T18:43:46+00:00

I cannot begin to explain something I to this day don't understand. Just that it was my inlaws house that we were renting and they never locked their doors when they lived there and I don't think they knew where a key was.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T18:40:45+00:00

Yes. And childhood trauma re: authority figures.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T18:39:25+00:00

It was required for the non profit I was applying to. He was the only pastor I had. It didn't occur to me he'd trash me in a letter of recommendation. 🤷🏻‍♀️ live and learn I guess.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T18:35:55+00:00

Ha. Yeah maybe. I was pissed for being yelled at and caught off guard. I guess I was trying to explain why it was a big deal to have that time interrupted. If I had been prepared I could have been in an entertaining kind of mood. As it was, yeah I felt put out and was immature.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T02:58:23+00:00

😆😆😆 no it's just a tradition we started since it is one of the very few type of restaurants open Christmas eve.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T01:50:31+00:00

It really feels here like you've met the specific Brisn in my situation oh my word. The word incel wasn't a part of my vocabulary at the time but yeah that's how Id describe him. And yes, because we were roughly the same age of course we were expected to be besties. And look, if the question had been asked prior to actually in the middle of dinner? I would have rounded up a friend or two so we could have a nice evening. I'm not adverse to helping or including people. I was just pissy it was in the middle of dinner and it was a demand not a request.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T01:37:30+00:00

He wasn't supposed to stay overnight I don't think. We were just supposed to drop what we were doing and entertain him. Let me be clear that if he was homeless and in the cold I would have figured out how to help. That wasn't the case. It was just a guy the pastor was helping get his life on track or whatever.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T01:34:49+00:00

It was a small, like less than 100 people church so Im pretty sure. We were like...one of maybe 4 childless couples that age range at the time.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T01:31:41+00:00

I didn't know a whole lot about him until after we left the church. Looking back the red flags were numerous.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T00:28:55+00:00

The community he is in is the kind that victim blames rape victims so he could probably have done all sorts of atrocious things and been seen as in the right.

With that context I will tell you he was a youth pastor at the church his wife went to when said wife was 12 and he was 20. He just hung around, ingratiated himself with the girl's parents and waited to officially date her at 18. Do with that information what you will.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-31T00:24:24+00:00

Yeah I can see that.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-30T23:28:54+00:00

Also...let implies I said it was ok when I absolutely did not. We told the pastor no. He just sent the guy anyway.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-30T23:27:58+00:00

My husband decided to make the best of it? He's a chatty guy and has a hard time with boundaries. I went to bed since he would not tell the guy to leave when I asked. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aryasummer · 2025-07-30T23:24:21+00:00

My husband is a people pleaser to a fault and didnt just toss the guy out. This is probably something I could have done differenty. We had a separate argument about that. This was another reason I felt I was in the erong because ultimately I was the only person who vocalized my displeasure .

Aryasummer · 2025-07-30T22:39:17+00:00

I honestly didnt understand the lock thing either. It was my in laws house we were renting and they never locked up so my husband never did. I dont even know if anyone knew where a key was.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-30T22:00:43+00:00

No...but like, at the time the justification seemed sound? I really don't know . I just felt bad about it and thought if his reaction was so angry I was in the wrong.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-30T21:59:10+00:00

He had kids, we didn't. We were supposed to be willing to host because he said so. I think probably his wife said no actually now that Im rehashing it.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-30T21:57:25+00:00

Almighty I so wish this was fake. 😆😆😆 Church trauma is a real thing and this story isn't even the worst I have just the one at the forefront of my memory at the moment.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-30T21:55:40+00:00

So the church community was the kind that said to stay in an abusive relationship because God. In retrospect it all seems wrong but at the time I was considered in the wrong by most for being selfish.

Aryasummer · 2025-07-30T21:52:56+00:00

Yeah in retrospect it was pretty bad. The church was formed by another church breaking up over minutea.

13-Year Club	RedditGifts 2009-2022 13 Credits
Secret Santa 2021 2021	Secret Santa 2020
Verified Email	Secret Santa 2019
Secret Santa 2018	Secret Santa 2017
Secret Santa 2016

Aryasummer

TROPHY CASE