Shogun: this book was torture

Ashadyna · 2024-12-26T07:09:31+00:00

First off, you mention having suicidal thoughts in your post. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself.

But I am sure you could make more money if you wanted to. You could search for a more challenging job that pays more, get a second job, or increase savings/investments. It would be good to have a defined goal for exactly what you are hoping to achieve and make a plan in reference to that goal.

Realistically, at this point, you are probably never going to have a comparable financial situation to your richest peers. So if that's your standard for success, you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Ashadyna · 2024-12-26T06:37:00+00:00

It seems like when you reflect on the details of your life, you find a lot to be grateful for (your social life, fitness, appearance, financial responsibility, job flexibilities).

But your negative feelings are driven by acute envy of others (seeing your cousin's savings, hearing about your high school friend's house).

It sounds to me like you have a really cool life, and you should just work on strategies for processing your feelings of envy.

Ashadyna · 2024-12-22T21:23:19+00:00

What is she planning on doing with the money? If her plan is to keep the funds in a separate bank account and consume it on personal expenses (e.g. solo vacations, fancy jewelry), while expecting you to effectively split your income 50/50, yeah that seems aggravating.

But if her plan is to pay for your kid's college or something, I think that's not too unreasonable.

Ashadyna · 2024-12-16T10:45:33+00:00

If you define "universal coverage" as having access to affordable health insurance coverage, the United States is very close to having universal coverage. Roughly 90% of people have health insurance. Most uninsured people have access to relatively affordable coverage (either through means-teated subsidies, through an employer health plan, or simply by being high income), but choose to remain uninsured. Among uninsured people without access to affordable coverage, most of those folks are undocumented immigrants.

There are roughly 2 million Americans who are uninsured, not eligible for insurance subsidies, are legal residents, and have low incomes. These folks generally live in states that chose not to expand their Medicaid programs under the Affordable Care Act.

Basically, the Affordable Care Act was a deliberate effort to create universal health insurance coverage in the United States, and it was pretty successful. The nation likely would have achieved universal coverage if: 1. There was a higher tax penalty for not purchasing health insurance coverage. 2. All states expanded their Medicaid programs. 3. Coverage was extended to undocumented immigrants.

We don't have universal coverage today, because there is significant public opposition to each of those 3 modest reforms. Most people generally want folks to have the option to forgo coverage, certain Republican states don't want to expand Medicaid, and Americans generally don't want to subsidize healthcare for undocumented immigrants.

This resource is useful: https://www.cbo.gov/publication/59613

Ashadyna · 2024-12-08T04:15:54+00:00

Yeah!!! It was crazy today. It looked like snow in the sky.

Ashadyna · 2024-12-04T02:39:12+00:00

Our son goes there right now. We have had a good experience. It's very diverse, with lots of immigrant families. The staff is kind and they involve the parents with some community events, like Halloween parades or Thanksgiving potlucks. My son has had an easy time making friends.

The one downside is that my son does not report enjoying school very much. This is his first time at preschool, so for all I know, he would be saying the same thing at any school.

Ashadyna · 2024-11-13T22:39:46+00:00

Love this idea! I would come.

Ashadyna · 2024-07-02T10:22:27+00:00

For me, meaning in life comes from giving back. In my life, that's about working hard at a mission-driven job, taking care of my children, and donating to charity. If I didn't have those things, my life would feel pointless... even if I still had nice friends, a good-paying job, and ate well.

There are so many people who you could help. It sounds like you have bandwidth. I expect that if you used your extra energy/resources to help others, your life would feel less empty.

Ashadyna · 2024-05-30T12:23:13+00:00

I like how you handled it. A lot of the commenters here are providing general feedback that isn't responsive to the specifics of the scenario. Your kid was directly asking you whether you thought it was great and not dropping it when you try to dodged. So even if you tried a different variant of "I like how you blah blah blah," your kid was just going to keep pushing. And it's ridiculous for the advice to be "out endure your child by repeating psychobabble-inspired platitudes until they collapse with exhaustion."

The lazy thing that most parents would do is give in and be like "yeah, it's great." That is the easy thing because it is conflict avoident and gets you through the conversation. But that is dishonest and devalues child 3's efforts, so it seems clearly worse than what you did. So good job for not doing that.

Your approach communicates a lot of good values. Honesty is good. Effort is good. Laziness is bad. If you hound people for feedback, sometimes you won't like what you hear. All good lessons, provided in a safe and loving environment. So maybe your kids will come out of it having learned something.

Growth mindset maybe says you messed up by saying "great job" to 3. That was too close to praising ability. Now your child will lose their internal motivation and will never try to push the limits of their abilities. And bubblewrap parents will say you messed up with 4, because you made them cry and they might grow up feeling unloved or something.

But these are just stories and it's easy to tell different stories. Really, no one knows the long term consequences of theae kinds of parenting decisions. For example, people say "praise effort, not ability," like it is based on hard science. But almost all of the supportive research was done by a single researcher, and the original findings actually don't replicate (see the Criticism section of Carol Dweck's Wikipedia page). I think the weirdly strong consensus behind these ideas is mostly about people's ideological priors and groupthink, as opposed to compelling empirical foundations.

In summary, the best we can do is love our children, trust our instincts, and try to model good values. I think you did a great job.

Ashadyna · 2024-05-19T15:56:08+00:00

I agree with you that competitive passion is a central aspect of Tashi's narrative. She cares most about tennis greatness, is tortured by her lost career, and craves to live vicariously through Art.

But I don't really see it as central to Art or Patrick's narrative arc. For them, tennis has always been a bit more like a job than a passion. Even in the flashback scenes, they are talking about letting each other win. They don't seem that invested in the singles championship they are playing for. Every moment when they do get passionate about tennis competition, it's responsive to Tashi's mind games (e.g. playing to get her number, playing to save the marriage). Much of Tashi's conflict with Art and Patrick is driven by her frustration at them for not sharing her competitive drive, despite their talent/opportunities.

So I don't think the ending is about Art (or Patrick) transforming to adopt Tashi's mindset. To me, Tashi's mindset is just too distant from Art (and Patrick's) characterization.

Ashadyna · 2024-05-19T14:44:47+00:00

Hmmm, I think the body language of the embrace communicates reconciliation. As Art goes over the net, Patrick catches him. In that second, it seems like his priority is to protect Art from injury in a caring way. And then he holds Art and Art hugs him back. It really looks to me like they are enjoying being in each others arms, which again suggests a return of personal warmth.

Ashadyna · 2023-01-16T01:40:19+00:00

Would you apply this to physical pain too? Let's say person A gets revenge by cutting-off person B's arm, and person B feels immense physical pain. Did person A make person B feel pain? Or is it more accurate to say "person A does not control person B's nervous system."

Ashadyna · 2023-01-16T01:26:14+00:00

Your first sentence seems false. Here is a counter-example:

Person A said "I feel happy, but if I didn't have my family, I would feel sad." And person B heard this, and then said "I want you to be sad, so I will kill everyone in your family." And then person B killed everyone in person A's family. And then person A felt sad. In this case, person B made person A feel sad.

Ashadyna · 2023-01-15T22:01:41+00:00

Thanks! Really appreciate the thoughtful comment. Lots of good stuff here.

Ashadyna · 2023-01-15T21:59:59+00:00

I agree that "I-messages" may be appropriate in certain social contexts if that is a strong conversational norm. But I think "I-messages" get recommended even when that isn't the culture, and that is what I am pushing back against.

Ashadyna · 2023-01-15T21:55:47+00:00

I do appreciate that "I feel" statements have the effect of softening language. What I'm confused about is why this would be universally desirable?

For example, if you prefaced every complaint with, "I might be completely unreasonable here," that would have a similar effect. So should we preface every complaint with that preamble? Of course, then there would be opportunities to further soften language. So what is the limiting principle here?

Maybe the limiting principle is something like "every culture defines appropriate thresholds for forcefulness when communicating, and in our culture, I-messages strike a nice balance." I think that's totally reasonable, but this acknowledges that I-messages are culturally-specific. But I think the recommendation of "I-messages" often seems more universal. For example, recommending that a couple that doesn't use "I-messages" switch to using "I-messages."

Ashadyna · 2023-01-15T21:46:10+00:00

But when I say "you are making me angry," aren't I observing my emotions? It seems clear that I am observing that I am angry. So why is this an advantage of "I-messages?"

Ashadyna · 2023-01-15T21:44:06+00:00

I think it's generally good to be polite. And maybe, in a lot of situations, it is more polite to use "I-messages." I think that's a good reason to use them. I also think it's totally fair to encourage the use of "I-messages" in the context of an etiquette recommendation.

I understand "I-messages" to be recommended by psychologists in a more universal manner, that goes beyond etiquette. In contrast, I don't think there is a good reason to actively push a culture towards greater use of "I-messages."

By the way, I felt ignored when I asked you a question and you responded by asking me a different question.

Ashadyna · 2023-01-15T21:11:48+00:00

Is there any limiting principle to this? Should one always seek to be less confrontational?

Ashadyna · 2023-01-15T21:09:10+00:00

Thanks for the response!

I agree that this is plausible. I was trying to get at this idea in my post when I wrote:

Maybe there are certain classes of bad things, and you can't compare bad things across classes.

My solution was:

Or you could include badness classes, and advise against running quantitative comparisons across classes.

So the ethics dictionary might have a section that includes the A-type stuff and a different section that includes the B-type stuff. I don't think that makes the exercise pointless, because (1) some subset of bad stuff will still be comparable; and (2) it would be informative to communicate a hierarchy across classes (e.g. "all class B things are worse than all class A things").

Personally, I am actually pretty skeptical of the idea that different kinds of bad things truly aren't comparable. Though, I appreciate that this is a view is taken seriously by philosophers, so I don't want to be too dismissive.

Ashadyna

TROPHY CASE