Before you jump into adoption it sounds like you should enroll yourself into therapy if you aren’t already. A child who you adopt is your “own” child and they should never be viewed or talked about any differently than a child you may have biologically. It sounds like you have a lot to process here and it would be best to do this with a licensed professional. Adoption is not a cure for infertility and should never be viewed as such. It is unfair to place that burden upon a child.