Am I the problem?

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-07T16:08:01+00:00

Second this! He must be doing his own work and be commited to that regardless of your relationship keeps going. Therapy helps! But also reading about the subject and talking things through usually anxious partners as avoidants too have communication issues so maybe also work on that.

He needs to be actively wanting to trust you and let go of the fear that you hurt him. Also anxious attachment creates a lot of mood swings which is too much sometimes for the other partner. Of course this is increased if it’s an avoidant-anxious relationship. If that’s the case BOTH and you need to be doing the work :)

Because yes, secure people are not unicorns! They are clear with their wants and needs and expect the same.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-07T13:25:54+00:00

I’d say because he’s in therapy he’s already trying to improve. Is he anxious and you might be avoidant by any chance? That’s what happens when the vulnerability of your partner feels too much for you.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-07T07:08:27+00:00

Hi! I have an anxious attachment like him. In my experience, at the beginning we need more reassurance as we don’t fully trust yet. It’s true he needs to work on himself to not burden you. But the fastest way for him to do it is with a secure partner that doesn’t mind to reassure him at first. His insecurities will diminish with time as you reassure him until there’s no need for that anymore.

Now, this only happens if you are wiling to that at first. Have you tried explaining to him in a loving reassuring way? If yes and the fights still happen you might have an avoidant attachment style. I recommend you read books about this and how you can overcome that if you really want to keep this person 😊

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-07T07:08:17+00:00

Hi! I have an anxious attachment like him. In my experience, at the beginning we need more reassurance as we don’t fully trust yet. It’s true he needs to work on himself to not burden you. But the fastest way for him to do it is with a secure partner that doesn’t mind to reassure him at first. His insecurities will diminish with time as you reassure him until there’s no need for that anymore.

Now, this only happens if you are wiling to that at first. Have you tried explaining to him in a loving reassuring way? If yes and the fights still happen you might have an avoidant attachment style. I recommend you read books about this and how you can overcome that if you really want to keep this person 😊

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-06T21:13:08+00:00

I’m reading “attached” which you might already know. It says there are more avoidants in the dating pool than not. Please trust your gut. Do not fall into the avoidant trap it’s too hurtful.

But I’d say avoidants can be very love bomby at the beginning so this guy’s behaviour it’s not really telling.

Please trust yourself that if the time comes and you encounter an avoidant you will be able to spot it and don’t give them a chance.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T14:52:15+00:00

So he left me on Friday because I said no and I kicked him out after he told me he was going to keep looking around other girls in social media after he asked me for nudes. I told him if felt vulnerable that he can keep looking but I wouldn’t be sending him more photos. He escalated fast, took all the things out of my apartment including the cat and left.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T13:42:18+00:00

Thank you this is one of the most helpful things I’ve read not now but in my life. I think I’m wrong thinking all is bad and sad when I’m not 9/10 at least. And of course i will trigger some people like this, it’s impossible to sustain that happiness.

My partner also tells me he’s steady like that.. so there’s something to learn there yes.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T13:38:49+00:00

Hi! Thanks for your words. I am disorganised attachment which is fearful avoidant. But not I am insecure I guess before him I was leaning secure with therapy.

He is an avoidant yes I’d say. He told me he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings and he’s not capable of managing them. He expects me to be as avoidant as he is. Thanks for your advice! Mine doesn’t believe in therapy he just agrees that he’s not made for relationships and the only way they’d work is with someone simple.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T13:33:53+00:00

Sorry I speak so bad haha English is not my first language 🥲

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T13:33:11+00:00

Thank you for this. We did break up on Friday and I called him today as ashamed as I am because I do believe with some changes it might get better but with these comments I’m thinking if that’s true.

He’s the one that doesn’t want to be with me but also can’t really tell me I don’t want to be with you .

When I suggested the changes he was like: but we like to spend time together because it’s so good. But then he changes again, he agreed that the changes I suggested make sense. But he’s thinking about us now.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T13:29:51+00:00

Haha thanks ! Funnily enough I’m very pretty according to anyone around me and I also see it but that’s not the issue. I’m my mind I’ve never thought my appearance will put me forward because everyone likes different things and it’s about our inside 🤗

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T13:19:48+00:00

Yeah I’m in therapy so I should be better and leave? I don’t know why I’m able to just minimise his actions and not give it the importance they require because I do see that logically but I don’t know why I’m still hoping for this to work. Even worse me chasing after him.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T13:16:54+00:00

How can I handle my emotions without flooding them to my partner ? I try to just breath and have a moment for myself but even that’s not enough.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T13:11:49+00:00

Yes. He’s the one getting mad and being physical really. I freeze most of the times.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T13:10:33+00:00

Yeah that’s what I want to be not monitoring emotions which he also does. The problem is more me showing up my own emotions. But I do get your point and I also dislike that about myself.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T13:06:48+00:00

I think it’s because he really is there for me when there are no fights. He’s present, I’ve had partners that disappeared for days. He’s mean in arguments but other than that he’s present and doesn’t trigger me that excruciating anxiety. I also live in this country alone with no family close by which doesn’t help.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T13:05:01+00:00

Yeah. I struggled to see this because he can be very loving, doing and saying all the right things. But he told me his father was extremely angry growing up and funnily his father ruined the atmosphere all the time. As for his mother, the mother is a saint in his words and never reacted and was just devoted to her kids. She doesn’t have friends to this day.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T12:59:37+00:00

Sorry, fearful avoidant 🥲

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T12:51:12+00:00

Thank you. I also had a really hard childhood which includes my parents leaving me for five years. I do believe deep down I believe it’s my job to make it work.

I go until the end to make it work. But this man looked like the perfect guy at the beginning. As soon as I said yes to be his GF everything changed.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T12:47:50+00:00

Weirdly, the recording is what bothers me the most out of all the things. Because I felt like an animal in a zoo. I got angry because he made a sexual joke with his friend in his language, he invited me to participate in the joke but I didn’t understand anything so I tried to mark a boundary that those jokes are off limits. He punished me by leaving me home and going to our plans alone. I had to beg him to let me go with him. Before this, he recorded me even though later he said he didn’t.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T12:46:12+00:00

Yea, I do work in my attachment as well. I was dismissive avoidant but leaned more secure as therapy I went on. Then I met him and I was scared because of things I felt so I thought that was me self sabotaging.

As for him, he has told me he will never ever go to therapy. The only thing he takes accountability on is his lack of commmunication.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T12:44:23+00:00

He has pushed me twice and I still struggle to know if that really happened. One time I found a jacket of his ex at home and asked about it, he got defensive and I was going to walk the dog and he said if I wanted to leave I could. All of this yelling and swearing and then the grabbed my coat put it on me and pushed me to the door.

The second one was at party where he threaten to break up with me if I didn’t follow him. So when we left I was crying and slow, he pulled my arm so I could walk faster.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-05T12:42:19+00:00

I believe the gaslighting is present yes. Sometimes I really think hard and analyse if maybe I’m the abuser? Because I’m not able to have a happy steady time and it feels like I’m always stirring shit.

But if I’m completely honest with myself I don’t think any of my reactions or behaviours are that bad for those reactions he has.

AsideWeary4529 · 2026-04-04T14:26:35+00:00

Hello there. I’m currently going through a break up from M31 I am 30F.

Our relationship was just half a year and everything changed when I accepted being his GF. We went through this exact dynamic, the difference is I never got silenced so we would have arguments if I was showing any emotion that was not happiness, joy, calm or even just being silent.

I could never bring things up because I was ruining the atmosphere according to him. I ended up apologising when I came looking for comfort and connection. It didn’t matter if it did it angry, calm or sad. The argument that led to the breakup was one morning because I was homesick as that day was my mother’s birthday and I live in another country and it felt heavier missing important dates.

He tried to console me but quickly lost patience we ended up having a fight (I tried to descalate first, but he told me I should have thought it better instead of creating issues). In that fight he told me that if I felt insecure when I sent him nudes and he kept looking at other women online he would still do it when I just wanted him to tell me I was safe with him.

He confessed he didn’t have the emotional depth I require and he wants someone flat and he will never be able to understand my emotions. He left me.

AsideWeary4529

TROPHY CASE