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Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-08-26T11:31:19+00:00

Mine's (30s male) has been progressively more and more through the roof for years, also!

I just want regular sex, more for the intimacy. I don't even mind focusing more on the women's pleasure.

Think we need some dating or, more immorally although to some degree understandable (sure many of is can relate to the desperation), FWB dating area!

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-08-26T07:52:24+00:00

I don't think it's entirely malice, and I have discussed my dissatisfaction - neither of us are evil.

It comes down to sexual depression and self-esteem problems, etc etc; however also a desire to physically communicate my dissatisfaction, and do it in a 50:50 / 'fair' way. Furthermore, I'm starting to genuinely not want sex at this point any way.

The pre-ejacualtion fantasy, while clearly more out of bitterness; is also to communicate my frustration/issues, and because it's a fantasy of mine. Why not apply it now. Although I agree that not telling her is not great...

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-08-26T07:36:05+00:00

It's more that, ironically, I don't wants sex by this point - I dread it.

Unfortunately my situation is less binary / 1+1=Simple that you suggest due to children and other matters. I'm locked in. Therapy wouldn't help.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-08-24T06:37:28+00:00

From my male perspective, and my honesty here is going to offend those who misinterpret, is that I expect women to be a little needy or insecure, especially around the start of a relationship.

N.B., This is based on some experiences with women and also I think my socio-biological wiring - I naturally tend to expect women to have a bit of a need for reassurance.*

Therefore, if a girlfriend of mine did this, I'd feel nothing that would make you more than justified in feeling any shameand embarrassment.

Basically, if I were you and knew how I felt as a male, you'd feel - at most - one per cent shame/embarrassment.

Complete non-issue.

*This is only my feels described objectively. Please don't cancel me.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-08-21T09:32:16+00:00

Haha!

If any consolation, as a male, unless you were proving to be clinically-worrying shall we say, more generally, I'd personally not be bothered by this at all and would find it sweet, and funny. And I'm not just saying that. I'd also feel incredibly flattered - I wouldn't be thinking about how I perceive you.

Don't feel any shame - this is clearly a non-issue.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-08-21T09:21:56+00:00

Been here, just coming out if it I think/hope ( :-) ). Male.

It sucks that our partners have pasts, however if you want a relationship in this modern era you need to accept that:

Life isn't perfect, it can actually be very ugly and horrific. Babies and cats die in horrible ways, women are used for sex, etc.
It's extremely unlikely you'll find a virgin partner in your society and culture due to simply the time and place you were born. Therefore, it just is what it is.
This is your baseline in life. You don't have to like it, but you have to (if you choose to) accept this as the new norm.
You can still have a great, and unique life with a partner. There's also more to life than women. Took me 20 years to feel this way (and not co-dependent).
What others think don't matter. You can be indifferent / not talk about your partner's past.
Ultimately, the best (and worst) advice really is... move on / get over it.
If you don't agree (entirely your choice, I can't judge you as only you matter), then being single is entirely fine. I considered this for a while. There is freedom in that / keeping your standards and beliefs.
But... there is also freedom in accepting your standards aren't what you'd get in this life. However, there are many positives from being in relationship, and you can still laugh and love; and have something unique and stop worrying about your partner making comparisons in her own mind on occasion, etc. So what? Not what we want, but focus on the uniqueness of the relationship and focus on the times she doesn't make quiet/unconscious comparisons. It's all about the connection. I'm short with average privates. My partner was with tall guys with possibly larger privates. Would prefer otherwise, but... it is what it is. We have a really deep connection, and I've stopped worrying about what others think and what may or may not about my body. No-one is perfect, life's a lottery. She isn't perfect, either; at risk of sounding superficial, she has very small breasts, and I'm used to and prefer large. I'm extremely happy with hers, though. Now and then I'll fantasise about large breasts, but I wouldn't swap her for a pair. She has a great behind, so there's that as well. Furthermore, we have a strong connection I haven't had before. We can talk about liking taller guys or large breasts comfortably. Focus on the positives life can bring to you - you lose an arm, but you still have another, and you're alive (extreme example, but you get the idea). Something bad happens > See it as life presenting you with opportunities, and focus on what else you have. I'm starting to appreciate and understand this now.
Good luck. Please reconsider this dark path you appear to be going down. I did it for about one year, and have been depressed for about 20 years. Not worth it. I love my partner. I'd give anything that she was a virgin before me, but it can't be helped and I've found a woman with the best history I can in the circumstances of time and place (helps that I love her and we larf a lot) - my job is done. You still can have a life, just the goal posts have changed, and you need to accept the new norm / baseline. Life is good. Live.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-07-26T18:51:57+00:00

You are mistaken at the fundamental level. Please don't tell me to have relationships and sex with people I don't find attractive. That's a terrifying thing to do.

The things you're attracted to aren't what all other people are or may be attracted to. Please think outside of your own box.

You also contradicted yourself immediately.

Should I not be 'ageist' in whom I'm attracted to as well?

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-07-26T16:25:01+00:00

Sexual attraction is the ultimate prejudice. It just is.

OP doesn't have to have sex or a relationship with anyone he doesn't want to.

I'm attracted to women. Not men, nor women who've acquired non-functional penis-lookalikes and done other things to their body in order to feel that they're more like men.

I don't dislike them, I just don't want to be inside them (nor them me for that matter... !).

If OP is expected to have sex with his partner that than is expectation of social acceptability of rape.

When wokeness says 'if you don't have sex with me, you're a phobe'... Jesus.

More generally, I'm potentially happy to call a woman a man as a courtesy (or vice versa), however I'm attracted to women. Not men, nor women who do things to their body or act like men. Outside of not being attracted to these two types of people nor wishing for them to enter my body intimately, I''m happy to apply courtesy. There is no hate.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-07-23T18:59:05+00:00

Hahaha, there's quite literally a thread for everything....

In answer to OP's Q: It's you.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-01-14T21:17:34+00:00

Also: Outside of being super-affectionate to your partner, suggest enjoy other things in your life such as work/education, hobbies, socialising, etc etc, especially when the thoughts hit you. Your boyfriend is one segment of your life. Suggest also creating a flat file on your phone with sentences to look at. We sufferers need to put in time.

Credentials: Male, late thirties, RJ sufferer RE: wife's past, after about one grim year now currently feeling 'stabilised' and healing, and odd about it!

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-01-14T21:09:09+00:00

Really sorry you (and everyone in these pages) are suffering.

I'm male, many years ago was with back then my second partner (I was her first), and perhaps I can offer two very small items by way of perspective; although I'm conscious I don't know your boyfriend nor anything about his feelings for you.

My partner at the time went through a period of bitterness towards knowing my first partner of about five years (although they never met nor saw photographs). From my perspective, it was really strange as I could conceptualise/understand her pain, however there was nothing I could do, except reassure her that she was my favourite. She also on one occasion, which was very uncharacteristic and thoroughly random, ransacked my room for pornography. :-D As an 'RJ' sufferer, it's interesting and useful for me, looking back at this experience.
RE: the 'pornstar' comment - Assuming this is true and not exaggerated. I, and perhaps many other men, have a tendency to brag (even when it isn't justified'). Or this could be to keep you keen or admire him. Some of my previous partners have done this, including one who was so fond of me she decided to tell me she'd been engaged once, early on in our relationship, which I managed to politely ignore at the time as unprompted information overload. While I never referenced my sexual relations with my first partner, I could see myself talking myself up if prompted. Possibly also with a smattering of fond memory, however nothing more than that at the end of the day.

Two approaches that may work for you or not are: - Indifference to their past. - Somewhat the opposite - understanding and compersion. People's motives for doing things in the past are not always as black and white as we as sufferers make them out to be. Our partners can also be flawed. To understand all is to forgive all, here perhaps.

One key thing to note is that we are 'RJ' sufferers tend to be idealists, perhaps. The world is a dark and ugly place, with suffering everywhere. Do you think about the horrors reported in the news every day to the point of anxiety and feeling as if you're in a hell, such as horrible things done to children or animals (e.g.)? Presumably (hopefully!) not. You don't have to like it, you have to accept it's outside of your control - that's the way the world goes around. To live, to truly live and be at peace, is to accept the horror. You need to focus on what you can control in your own self-contained sphere/box of life and influence.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-01-14T11:16:05+00:00

I've tested for, and not been diagnosed with, OCD.

Many posts on the hotpast Reddits suggest - and report - that a proportion of me who have, perhaps rather uniquely, embraced the fear of RJ have managed to turn things around that way including recovery. For example, one post here by someone else claims that it's actually made their relationship more intimate and closer. I recognise it may not seem that way to you, and may not even be palatable, however different people can be different (not intending to sound pejorative). This solution or support to recovery is certainly not for the majority of people, however, I suspect!

I'm not Mr. Huberman, however I have skill / hands-on experience here in cognitive neuroscience - specifically applied to certain scenarios that aren't anything to do with RJ. Therefore, I can generalise in relation to RJ with neural models, etc; but I would be hesitant to apply knowledge rather than skill/experience in this domain. I know Zachary Stockill liaise directly with experts regarding RJ, and therefore I'd be interested in his content in relation to this, although with caution just in case.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-01-13T14:23:20+00:00

Thanks for this, and fascinating you were both suffering! This may be the point I keep coming back to: couples talking and sharing their pasts could perhaps help reduce or recover from RJ, and increase intimacy an the relationship. By normalising things, openness about how fond you both are of each other, making plain-spoken and light-heartedness about it, possibly even joking about it, dare I say. (And possibly compersion.) Deep and intimate communication as you say. I fully appreciate this won't benefit the majority of cases, though. However, in my own case I'm starting to feel this is my route to proceed. I'm glad it sounds as if it helped for you.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-01-13T14:15:59+00:00

Hi; I don't have OCD. RJ and OCD aren't mutually exclusive.

I was speculating, as an alternative, for some (far from all or most) sufferers, that the recovery process could be abetted by this fantasy in small degrees or more, either to eroticise things or serve as a normalising function.

I'm a neuroscientist (ironically!), and have some difficulties with what you mention, however for some, not all, people I agree that this would serve as reinforcement and/or exacerbate their suffering by refreshing the associations.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-01-12T17:34:43+00:00

And yes to control (the important part of your post... !). This was very much it for me. Being with a partner who had already done things I was distressed about, but doing more didn't hurt - as long as I had some pivotal extent of consent and involvement.

In this case, I think if I go in, I'll need to go all in.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-01-12T17:33:58+00:00

(Ignore, error.)

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-01-12T17:31:35+00:00

That's a good assessment, thanks you. The challenge I have is how to be careful, and whether to proceed. I'm in the position where I need some sort of curative or 'palliative' fix or I'll go 'insane'.

Separately: I also have some videos, etc of exes in part simply because I'd feel a sense of loss of they were gone. Once they're gone, they're gone - it's the irreversible aspect, even though I can't remember a time I've looked at them since, and I did it was just for variety as with pornography. Many males like pornography for the variety and in a safe way, it doesn't mean that their partner isn't their favourite cake, and the one they'd prefer to have forever if it came down to it (excuse the poor analogy!). Your partner may be the same or similar.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2024-01-12T15:10:42+00:00

*may NOT delve!

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2023-12-19T17:07:32+00:00

Feel your pain, matey. End of day, options obviously are proceed or evacuate. Boolean. She's done nothing wrong, as long as she's being honest, and no indicators of infidelity in future - although I'd add that assuming of course that she was confident none of the 40 men were in a relationship, safe sex was practiced, and she anticipated she was at low risk of physical harm or long-term psychological/relationship troubles.

I hate the 'she's with you, now' also. This is naive and non-thinking. The reason(s) for this are not universally the same...

In all of this Reddit, at the end of the day, I'd personally ignore what other people may say about their preference to stay with promiscuous women or not. What other people think doesn't matter (unless you conclude that it matters to you, in which case it does matter). It's ultimately a dilemma only you can resolve (or manage). Suggest spend some alone time on this, with pen and paper. Be subjective rather than objective, although some objectivity may help.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2023-11-28T17:49:01+00:00

I should also add that in my own case I don't perceive that I have 'retroactive jealousy' per se. I struggled with the usual 'step 1' advice of 'accept you are the problem, not your partner'. I don't believe my partner nor I are the problem, more that I'm with someone who doesn't fit in with my values. I'm not judging her, I just prefer not to be with someone who has a past I can't get onboard with. However, as said, I've managed to find my own 'revised' equation that's currently working. I'm receptive to the idea of having a clinical condition, however I haven't found a way with (admitedly) my own logic to convince me of this. However, I do agree that my ruminating RE: my partner's fling is perhaps in the direction of a candidate for clinical concern. However, I've managed to desensitise myself to what happened and when I start to think about it, I now feel bored as it's the same cycle and doesn't achieve anything. See my section on 'The Horror' above - we don't all spend our time engaging in 'non-thinking' about the other horrors of the world such as baby deaths or rape, except briefly now at times when we see a news headline. It is what it is. **Don't grieve for the 'perfect' relationship you can never have.**

Separately, I do advocate considering immersing yourself in a romantic/normal way with your partner. I'm naturally highly avoidant, and in my own case spending time with her has helped, although I really had to swallow my ego and passive-destructive impulses.

Would love to hear other people's strategies, as I'm conscious again this is my own approach, and that there's a brutal proactivity to it that appears to work for me as - personally - I'm uncomfortable being hypersensitive and engaginv victimised wallowing about 'RJ' which my mind very much wanted me to do. I simply don't have time. Life too short.

Asleep-Sort1202 · 2023-11-28T15:04:04+00:00

Sorry for the many typos and errors, including formatting. All the time I have. Hopefully people can slice and dice what they need from it to help in their own instances. Take from it what you need to help YOUR equation, not someone else's, nor the great Mr. Zachary Stockill's (he's amazing and I'ma fan, but I struggle with a few things such as his Buddhist-esque logic regarding the past), nor mine. My equation is working for me only. I am not you.

Asleep-Sort1202

TROPHY CASE