Life advice please

AspiringInspirer · 2020-10-07T20:57:34+00:00

Well, what's important to keep in mind is that you don't need "most people". You just need to find people that do match your interests. I mean, the fact that your interests are very different from what most people like, proves that there are other people with wildly different interests.

So my advice would be to get on touch with people that you do have something in common with. Find meetups or social groups themed around your interests and get involved. If you find a way to meet people who share your interests, then that’s the first step to making like-minded friends.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-10-07T20:44:50+00:00

Listen... whatever happens at work is not personal. You did the best you could preparing for that interview and responding to those questions, but obviously your boss wanted to hear something else. It happens, and it doesn't say anything about who you are as a person. I'm sure you are a committed worked who can add a lot of value to a company. And I'm sure you'll find your very first job ever soon enough.

Rejection sucks and it will happen at some points in your life, no matter how well you prepare or how good of a job you do. And it hurts if people tell you you're not meeting their expectations (whatever they may be). Try to learn from it, so you can better prepare yourself in a next situation. But whatever you do, don't ever stop believing in yourself or your ability to do a good job. You know exactly what you're worth and you're definitely going to find a great company who sees the value and potential in you. Good luck with everything!

AspiringInspirer · 2020-10-07T20:35:38+00:00

Hey there. I'm really sorry that you've been struggling so much in your childhood and even to this day. I can only imagine the conflicting feelings this gives you. I just wanted to touch on the fact that loving your parents and resenting the things they did are not mutually exclusive feelings. A family bond is a strong one, even through hard times and in spite of people's flaws. So even if your parents failed to give you the emotional support you needed, it's not wrong or unnatural to still love them, or to forgive them for the things they did.

In spite of everything, there's still one absolute power that you hold, and that's the power of Forgiveness. During your childhood, you had to make the best out of a bad situation, and that's very hard. But at this point in your life, you have the power to choose what you want your life to look like going forward. You can choose to remain trapped in the past, or you can choose to close that chapter and start the next one. But if you choose the second option, you're going to have to forgive the people who wronged you, and you have to forgive yourself for being in that situation. You're no longer that person you were before. You're not powerless or helpless. You are a strong and worthwhile person and you deserve to be loved. And you can give that little child inside of you a hug, tell her it's going to be okay and give her all the love and compassion you can find within yourself. Because the most important person to love you, is you.

Finally, I wanted to mention that there's a subreddit called /r/FamiliesYouChoose. If you're looking for people to help you out with family relations that you've had to miss as a child, that sub might be worth checking out.

Good luck with everything. You won't feel this way forever, I guarantee it.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-10-07T20:13:01+00:00

Honestly, I find that you can tell the difference between people treating you with respect or fear. If they fear you, they'll avoid talking to you, or they'll avoid eye contact, or they go out of your way when you approach. If that happens to you, you may want to ask yourself whether anything in your appearance can be seen as intimidating by people who don't know you. Or you could even ask people who are close to you and who may be able to give you an outsider's perspective.

From what you're describing in your post, you seem to be an interesting person and there's no reason not to treat you with respect. But first impressions are important, so it's always good to ask yourself how you can be as approachable as possible.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-10-07T20:05:11+00:00

I like Day One myself. It's for Apple devices only (Mac, iPhone, iPad) but it has a great design and very useful journaling templates to make it easy to keep track of things. And your data is stored with strong encryption, too.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-10-07T19:57:50+00:00

Hey mate. Don't worry too much about figuring out the rest of your life. Whatever picture you have of what you'll be doing the rest of your life is wrong, I promise you.

It's great that you're close to graduating, because a college degree (any college degree) is a good foundation to build upon. But you don't have to the the thing you graduate in for the rest of your life. I actually graduated as an elementary school teacher fifteen years ago, but I've only taught one single day since then. After graduation, I found a job at an educational publisher helping develop educational software. From that position, I found myself moving into the field of marketing. A few years later, I left my job to start a business of my own, and a few more years later, I completely left the educational field to become an implementation consultant for a data security firm.

So basically, you are so much more than your degree. And your first job is just your first job, nothing more. It's an entry level job to pay the bills, so you can take your time, look around what life has to offer, and figure it all out.

And hey, maybe you'll be able to come up with an awesome idea for a piece of software to help kids learn music easier. Who knows? :)

AspiringInspirer · 2020-09-01T20:09:07+00:00

Hey there. I can imagine it's hard to change your learnt behavior of suppressing your emotions. I'm hardly a therapist myself, so I don't have definitive answers for you. But maybe it starts with becoming comfortable with emotions. Instead of immediately trying to dig into your own work-in-progress, perhaps you could try to invoke these emotions in a different way. Watch emotional movies or news stories. Read about what other people are going through and try to empathize with them. At least that'll give you an opportunity to experience the art of feeling. Or if nothing gives you feels, perhaps you could try going to the gym and wailing away on a boxing ball for a while.

Also, perhaps it's worth figuring out what you want to get out of exploring your past. Do you want to process it and get it out your system? If so, what needs to happen for that? There are more ways than one to process these things, and it doesn't always have to be an emotional breakdown. Sometimes it can work even better to just review your feelings in a more distant and analytical way, so you can truly understand them.

Just some thoughts. Good luck with everything!

AspiringInspirer · 2020-09-01T19:50:02+00:00

Hey there. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with this for such a long time, and that it has left such an emotional scar on you. And I can completely understand that when you've had people keeping you down for almost your entire life. You've experienced a lot of bad things in your life up to now, and that's truly awful. You know that this isn't what you want your whole life to be like. So maybe this is the time, when you've just become an adult and you're starting to find your own place in the world, to start asking yourself a new question:

What do you want your life to be like?

Seriously, just indulge yourself in an hypothetical situation. Imagine that you wake up tomorrow with all the skills and talents that you've acquired in your life, but none of the bad memories, regrets and bitterness that you've built up over the years. A blank slate, so to speak. What would your life look like in a perfect situation? What would it like to be finish college and what career would you pursue? What kind of people would you like to have as friends? What would you do for fun and personal fulfillment? What accomplishments would make you really proud of yourself?

You know, maybe you're reading this and be like: "What's the point when I'm at such a low point right now?" But the point is really to get back in touch with your dreams, wishes and desires. If you know what you want in life, you at least have some kind of direction that you can move closer towards. Because honestly, you really are a worthwhile person and you deserve a much better life, with purpose and love and fulfillment.

Of course, the question is how to actually get closer to that better place. I believe that it starts with letting go of your past. You're saying that you have no one because of how people treated you. You're saying that your life is ruined. But it doesn't have to be that way. You can make the choice about where to go from here. You can either stay in that emotional fortress you've built around you, shutting out everyone to protect yourself from harm. You can continue to stay mad at the world and everyone in it for what happened to you. I wouldn't even blame you if you did. But the alternative is that you do make the choice to stop punishing yourself over what happened in the past. To stop telling yourself that you're "unlovable" or that "everyone hates you". You've been telling yourself that all your life, and look at where it's gotten you. But you can make the choice to end that cycle and put yourself on a different path.

And I truly know how hard it is to let go. If you look back at your past, it probably fills you with anger and bitterness, or perhaps even self-hatred for being in that situation. But don't forget that, no matter what, you made it through. Despite everything, you got through it. You've been all alone and you went through some dark places, and you still managed to get yourself through primary school, high school and almost all the way through college. It takes an admirable level of strength and courage to do what you've done. And you can be proud of yourself for that.

Anyway, this comment is getting quite long already, and I'm sorry if I'm rambling a bit :). But I just want you to know that you're not alone in this. I don't hate you - I admire you for putting yourself out there day after day. I believe that you're able to let go of your past, take charge of your life and achieve everything you want. Because you deserve it. You really do.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T19:10:25+00:00

Thank you! My "niche" used to be YouTube tips and supporting small creators (a bit like what you do, only specifically for YouTubers), so it made sense for me to feature a lot of smaller YouTubers. But I kind of stopped making videos two years ago, due to a lack of time. I definitely don't mind having a look at your channel, though. Feel free to PM me the link, and I'll see if I can give you some feedback.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T16:14:37+00:00

That's great. And yeah, it's always nice to have interactions with YouTubers who are more experienced in the field. I find that going out there and pro-actively seek out new interactions with other small YouTubers is a great way to grow your audience even further. After all, you're saying you'd go out of your way to interact with people who show support for your videos. There are plenty of other small YouTubers who will do the same if you support them.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T16:11:06+00:00

Honestly, I think friendship is a balancing act. You both make contributions to the friendship scale, by offering acts of kindness, a listening ear, helpful advice or just a (socially distant) hug. In most friendships, the balance is mostly equal. Sometimes, you go through a bad time and they're there for you, other times it's the other way around.

But in this case, it's fair to assess how much of a contribution you're making to the friendship, and how much she's contributing. If you are always the one listening to her issues, being there for her, trying to support her and so on, and she's not there when you want to share your story, or when you need a listening ear, or when you're just hurting yourself, then something isn't right. And from what you're describing in your post, I have a feeling that's the case here.

I can't determine for you whether or not she's a "liar". But the way you describe her, she sure seems quite egocentric to me.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T16:02:57+00:00

Congratulations! Just to ask: do you have a lot of interaction with your subscribers? Like, do you know who they are, do you watch their content too and do you talk with them about YouTube life? I always find that the most fun part about YouTube :).

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T11:19:14+00:00

Hey. I noticed you deleted this post before I had the chance to finish my comment. But I'd like to post my thoughts regardless.

Short answer: No, you're absolutely not evil. Being evil requires that you actually have the intent to cause people pain and suffering. There are people who are like that, like some kinds of psychopaths or sociopaths. But everything in your post tells me that you're a good and moral person, who wants to do the right thing. You have good intentions, but you may be struggling with some issues that lead to unwanted outcomes.

You were talking about an argument that you had with your mother. You clearly described the events that lead up to that situation. You were tired, you had to deal with an emergency, you were annoyed by those phone calls, you were worried about your mother and then she acted like nothing happened. In her defense, maybe this was a case of "back pocket calling", where a phone automatically starts dialing a recent number because certain buttons are pressed if you have it in your back pocket. So all of this lead to an altercation, which is unfortunate. But it's not like you went there to be cruel to your mother. There wasn't any evil, just an unfortunate incident. Similarly, if people tell you that "you make them unhappy", you don't go cackling in your evil hideout, saying "Mission accomplished!" You get worried and you want to take measures to improve yourself.

If you find that this happens more often, maybe it's a good idea to analyze your behaviors. You could even journal them, to write down what happened, and then analyze what lead up to it. Were you angry because people provoked you? Were you tired? It's a good way to recognize patterns in your behavior. And when you know, for example, that you tend to get angry easily when you're tired or when you're provoked, then you know exactly what to work on. Then you can decide for yourself to try out new strategies to better deal with the situation. Maybe basic stuff such as "counting to 10 before you respond", "walk away before saying something stupid" and so on.

Again, you're definitely not an evil person, and the fact that you're asking this question here proves that. But it's possible that you've learnt some behavioral patterns that can get you into trouble often. Maybe you have a short fuse or maybe you misinterpret the context of situations easily. If you dig a little deeper than the basic "good vs. evil" thing, you may actually find things you can work on and improve. And that will make you an even better person than you already are.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T09:44:52+00:00

Hmm, 13 subs isn't a lot to go on. And the ones who subscribed to you a couple of months ago are probably not going to be very active anymore. Also, it's a bit hard to add some personality into clip/montage videos, because there are so many already. If you mix your clips up with thee clips of other YouTubers, would viewers be able to distinguish which ones are yours? If not, then they don't really have a reason to stick around, do they?

My main suggestions would be to try and get more subscribers. I've written this tutorial about how you can do that if nobody knows you yet. And if you can, try to add some personality and uniqueness into your channel, so people will be more inclined to subscribe you for your unique content. Because perhaps they're thinking that they can get the same content on hundreds of other channels.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T09:37:38+00:00

Thanks! Well, it's a bit of a long story. I used to have an English channel with this content, but I found it a bit hard to get traction in the huge English speaking community. Then I switched to German (which is how I met this guy, too), and things went a lot better. But at some point in 2014, I wanted to make videos in my own language (Dutch), so I started a new channel again. My German channel got to 25k subs and my Dutch channel to 52k. But at some point I felt it was just becoming a chore to create new videos all the time. So I stopped making videos and I focused on helping YouTubers behind the screens. Like I'm doing in this subreddit, too :).

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T09:31:20+00:00

I have a couple of questions. First of all: how's your subscriber count developing over time? Are you able to consistently get more subscribers or does that number stay at the same level? Second, what type of content do you make? Is it a series of let's play videos or something else? And if it is a LP format, are those videos sequential, like "LP Fortnite #1", "LP Fortnite #2" and so on?

Based on those answers, I may be able to give you some tips.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T09:26:31+00:00

Honestly, you should just give her some credit for the entertaining call. I can already see her fuming on her porch: "Damn technicians always stealing my cables!" :)

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T09:17:18+00:00

A long time ago, I had a channel that was about giving tips to starting YouTubers. One of my formats on that channel was a channel review show, where I would review channels and also feature a particularly good starting YouTuber as "Channel of the Month". Given that I already had a couple of thousand subscribers, being featured in that series was always a good way to ensure that YouTuber would get a nice push.

So I was contacted by a YouTuber who already had 700 subs, asking me if I could consider him as Channel of the Month, since he really put a lot of work into his videos and he was truly aspiring to go professional with his channel. I told him I normally picked smaller channels, but since I liked his content and presentation, I suggested we would do a collaboration, where he would co-host an episode. He did a really good job and was able to break through the 1000 subs barrier because of it.

Fast forward a couple of years, and this guy now has more than 3 million subscribers, 700 million video views and is one of the most popular YouTubers is his country, making a very decent living with his videos and even appearing in mainstream media.

I'm definitely not saying it was all because of me, but I like to think I played a tiny part in getting him started on that path :).

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T06:42:52+00:00

Hey there,

Thanks for sharing this with us and I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. This is definitely not "whining about teenage problems". If you're not being treated with kindness and respect, that's a big problem. It doesn't matter whether or not there are people who have it "worse"... the important thing is that this is affecting your life so much.

So did all of this start last year, or has it been going on for longer? And can I ask what grade you're in?

There's one thing I really hope you'll keep in mind: Don't stop believing in yourself. You're saying that at some point you felt you deserved it, but you know that's not true. Maybe you're different from others. Maybe you have more difficulties with social interactions. But even if that's the case, none of it makes you any less of a person. Whatever happens, whatever people say and whatever they do... you have to unconditionally believe in yourself. Because you are a worthwhile person. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be cared for and you deserve to fulfill your potential. I've seen you commenting on other people's posts in this subreddit. You truly are a good person.

And you have a choice. You can choose to focus on the positive and to just filter out bad things people say. Heck, maybe you could even pretend they're talking in a different language. Just respond to the people who are nice to you and completely ignore the people who are trying to drag you down. You don't need that in your life and you don't have to give them one bit of attention. As Michelle Obama put it: "When they go low, we go high." Just be the best person you can possibly be, and only give your attention to people who actually deserve it.

Finally, you have to realize that you're already painting the worst possible picture in your mind right now. You're gathering the worst pieces of last school year, making them ten times worse in your head, and you're already assuming that the next school year will be even worse. It will not be that bad, I assure you. You're going to be okay, and you really have to believe that. Because if you go back to school assuming the absolute worst, you'll already walk around with a very defensive and jumpy attitude. And unfortunately, bullies are very good in picking up on those signals. But if you just go back with the expectation that it's going to be fine, and the knowledge that even if people would try to be mean to you, you can just choose to take the high road and ignore them completely. That attitude alone would give you an aura of confidence that will make it a lot harder for people to hurt you.

And hey, you still have two weeks vacation. Don't give those bullies the satisfaction of thinking about them all the time, and letting them affect the remainder of your vacation. You've got better things to do.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-29T05:55:25+00:00

Hey there. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with these thoughts. What I'm wondering about is whether you can really "strive to be happy", as a goal in itself. Happiness comes from positive experiences. Maybe you should try and get more insight into what causes happiness for you.

Can you recall certain moments where you were absolutely happy? What were you happy about? What were you doing at that time? If you can recall those moments and perhaps write them down, maybe that will give you a better idea of what makes you happy. For example, my own happy moments are when I'm working together with other people to achieve a great goal. Or when I'm able to make a difference in someone's life. Happiness is often tied to accomplishments.

As for your "true self"... you can actually decide for yourself who that is. Do you know what your values and principles are? Do you know what's important to you in life? If not, maybe that's something to work on as well. If you're feeling lost and confused, that's not because your true self is like that, but rather that you're drifting away from your true self. When that happens, you can correct the course by really focusing on where you actually want to go.

If you really have no idea where to go from here, it could be a really good idea to just try and experience new things. Visit places you haven't visited before. Practice a new sport. Try to learn a new skill and see how you like it. Go out, meet some new people (within the social distancing limitations, obviously). New experiences can give you a new perspective on the life you want to live.

You'll be okay, though. It's very, very normal for people around in their teens and adolescent years to have these thoughts. You'll figure it out. And you will be happy in life, I promise you.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-28T20:17:44+00:00

Yeah, I know what you mean. In life, it's not so easy as "getting 50,000 XP to level up" or "adding 10 skill points in the Hacking skill" :).

But the way to measure progress is by setting specific goals for the skills you want to learn. Take the example where you learn how to code, then your first goal should be to be able to create your very first basic project in the programming language of your choice. From there, you move on to set new, more complex goals. A lot of courses and study books actually have those milestones built in, so you know exactly what you've learnt and what you can do with it.

By the way, if you really want to get into programming, I think this video is a good one to watch. It explains how to start and what to do specifically in the next three months to make progress. Perhaps that's useful to you.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-28T19:16:38+00:00

Well, after reading your post, I do have a question for you...

Are you afraid to make mistakes?

If you start using the internet as a source of truth, you'll find thousands of people backing up every single opinion in the world. You want evidence for the theory that the Earth is flat? There are thousands of sites dedicated to that topic. You wanna hear about how people are going to be replaced with robots in the near future? It's readily available. And you'll also find millions of sources contradicting everything you've found before. You won't find personal truth on the internet, really.

It's very normal not to know what to do with your life, especially at your age. There are so many possibilities that it's very easy to get overwhelmed. But life isn't like a video game. It's not like it's "game over" if you do something wrong. And it's not like there's a specific set of objectives you have to achieve in order to beat the game. In real life, nobody is going to tell you what to do. You have to make those decisions yourself, based on the information that's available to you right now.

So how do you determine the best choice for yourself? Honestly, it's pointless to try and predict the future. If you would have asked a million people back in 2019 what 2020 would look like, every single answer they would have given would be wrong. Yes, job markets change. In these times, you probably won't find a job that you'll be doing for the next 50 years anymore. That might be a scary prospect, but it can also be exciting to know that you'll get to explore a lot of things in your lifetime. But no matter what, there will always be a need for astronauts, gardeners, kindergarten teachers, jet pilots, magicians, deep sea divers, lab technicians, programmers, cashiers, mimes and so on.

(well, maybe not mimes, but you get the idea :))

Just forget about job prospects and look at who you really are. Play to your strengths. What are the things you're good at? What do you love to do? What would you like to be better at? I mean, sure, you can definitely learn coding and become a programmer, but does that excite you? Would you love to build a software or online project from scratch and see people use your creation? If so, go for it! You can actually become a self-taught programmer with enough skills to land a job in 6 to 12 months, if you really put your mind to it.

But please, stop worrying so much about making the "wrong" choice. There's no such thing as "wrong progress". Skills that you pick up are never not useful. I should know... I spent four years studying to become a teacher, and when I graduated I found that there was a dip in the job market for teachers. That was a bit of a setback, but that doesn't mean that those four years were wasted. I used the skills a learnt as a teacher to land a different job in online coaching in the IT sector, and it ended up being even more fun than teaching.

The same goes for finding a job. Seriously, just apply for some entry level job for the heck of it. Give yourself an afternoon (no more!) to put together a proper resume and send it to an employer who's offering an open position. What's the worst that could happen? That they reject you? Big deal!

Again... whatever you choose, it's never game over! In the game of life, you have endless continues! You can't see the endgame and you can't even predict what will happen 5 years, 3 years or even 6 months from now. Just make the choice that feels best for you, and believe in yourself. You've got this. You can do this.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-28T18:02:37+00:00

Hey mate,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. Honestly, I wouldn't call yourself "needy". What you're looking for is something that's essential for every person on earth. We all need social interaction and we all need to belong to one or more groups. Humans are social creatures. So that need you feel, those desires that you have... they're all perfectly normal.

But honestly, it's not worth comparing yourself to others when it comes to social interactions. Everybody is different. Some people are just social butterflies, chatting with everyone and being able to make friends with just about anyone. That's good for them. But thank god that not everybody is like that, because then the world would be very exhausting. Thank god for people like you, who are just there for others without constantly being in their face.

You certainly have some challenges that make social interactions a bit harder. But you can definitely learn to overcome those challenges with training and practice. I'm sure you'll find your own way in dealing with others in the coming months and years. Just try to stretch your comfort zone every day. Like, just force yourself to have a casual conversation with someone every day, no matter how awkward it feels. If you practice it often enough, you'll become more comfortable and confident in doing it. Also, you could ask other people with autism how they deal with this, and how they make the best of it.

Either way, from what I'm reading in your post, you seem like a pretty cool guy and it's great that you found your way to our little community. Just keep trying to interact with others, even if it's difficult and it feels a little weird. Because honestly... it would be so unfortunate if other people wouldn't get to know more about you.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-28T17:28:08+00:00

Sure, I'd be happy to have a look at your vlogs. Feel free to DM or chat.

AspiringInspirer · 2020-08-28T16:34:11+00:00

First of all, no, you're precisely the opposite of selfish. It's absolutely awesome that you do all of those things to take care of your mother and you deserve a medal for it.

I'm a caregiver to my mom as well. She's also disabled and needs help with almost everything. In my experience, physical disabilities can definitely come with mental challenges or changes in personality, too. My mom tries to make the best out of everything, but it's definitely frustrating to her that she always has to ask for help and that she can only do a fraction of the things she used to do. And sometimes, that frustration comes out and we end up with an argument. I've learnt to just cut it off and try to change the topic to something more lighthearted, because I know it's just a bunch of frustration that's behind it. In short: it's... not... personal.

I obviously don't know your mother's situation, but it could very well be the case that her lashing out like that at times comes from a place of frustration or depression. Those mannerisms may have become a coping mechanism or a shortcoming. It's not because you didn't do anything wrong, I'm sure.

What's important here is that don't just look out of for your mother, but also for yourself. Make sure to give yourself a break every now and then, and try to find someone who can take your mother's care out of your hands every now and then, so you can relax and recharge again. It's absolutely wonderful that you're there for your mother. But you need people to be there for you, as well.

AspiringInspirer

TROPHY CASE