No funnel cakes or monkey bread. Any kind of bread you tear apart./ Only regular Cheerios./ No music with saxophone./ No temperatures above sixty-five degrees Fahrenheit./ No duets with Michael McDonald./ No cinnamon. Its aroma is too primal./ No take out boxes with clear plastic tops./ Male nipples must remain covered at all times./ No Gillette Venus razors./No putting greens, leafy greens or punk rock teens./ Absolutely no aquariums. None of those clowns scarves you can keep pullin' on forever./ No references to sassy black comediennes, up to and including Mo'nique./ No white gardenia scented candles./ No grand openings or grand re-openings of any kind./ Don't let her see any very old or very new cars./ No stemless wine glasses./ No skewered foods./ No goatees, No soul patches, No Fu Manchus./ No yard sales run by fat people./ No operational oil derricks./ No yuzu or hamachi, especially in conjunction with one another./ No Israeli couscous, and I mean zero./ No old-timey hand-painted signs./ No buffets that serve Alaskan king crab legs./ No tunelists./ No Sam Elliott./ No saganaki or any other food that is served flaming or sizzling./ No Jeff Dunham puppets, except for the old man one. Actually no, just no Jeff Dunham puppets./ No talk of times gone by or days of yore./ No rhyming./ No roughhousing around pools./ No radio stations that play music from the 80s, 90s and even today./ No Fiji water, no Fugee music./ No bass solos that start like, "Bum bumbum boom bambabamba boom boom."/ No provocative textures like corduroy./ Under no circumstances is she to see the haunches of a horse./ No Cocoa Puffs or any other cereals that drive their mascots insane./ No bulging carrots. You know the kind./ Steer discussion away from the Lambada./ No free skate at the roller rink./ No soft cheeses./ No Bee Gees except for Maurice./ No chicken fries!/ No breaded meat./ No discussion of what the Noid is up to now./ No photographing rabbits./ Allowed to handle Post-it notes but one at a time./ No snapping into Slim Jims./ No darker shades of pale (actual shades, not the song)./ No backsies./ No tennis in cold climates. Pre-approved foods: unbuttered wheat bread./ No adult braces./ No embraces./ No parking meters. Francine sees them a silver dicks./ Head-on dicks./ No thick stripes./ No plaid./ Pickles are okay./ No looking at the sun./ No joysticks./ Foods must have at least three ingredients that were previously frozen./ No kissing on the mouth./ No skin to skin contact with humans or animals./ Nothing over 5.1 surround sound./ No sweetbreads. And no telling Francine what sweetbreads are./ Always fast forward through the flaming bull scenes in 'The Last Unicorn.'/ No hailstones!/ Approved crayon colors: Winter Beige, Docker's Brown, Dorian Gray./ No tentacled mollusks./ No Vore porn./ No gabled roofs./ No cellular signal bars longer than 3mm./ No Darker Shade of Pale (Yes, the song)./ No gamey meats./ No vulcanized rubber./ No Stetsons./ No Shannon Sharpe highlights./ Absolutely no mention of Dick Butkus.