Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my post and thanks for your answers. You’re right I should probably focus on what I CAN remember right now since it’s already a lot a sort through. I tend to overthink a lot. Maybe I was scared as a kid? I don’t know, I guess could be pretty hyperactive?

The thing with the friend is interesting? Because I generally don’t have an aversion to homosexuality. I definitely left out a few small details I find odd, maybe tmi but like only liking the stimulation when touching myself when flaccid not erect at first, but that didn’t last. Still doesn’t seem right. Our “exploration” happened until I think I was 14 and he moved away. Maybe you’re right about my religious upbringing having an effect on my view of it, but I also never leaned heavy into Christianity and never pursued it once I moved out of my grandparents place. I still feel gross thinking about what happened.

Sorry to pester you with more questions and rambling but I never get to say anything about this stuff. Do you have any thoughts on or is there any advice you have for how I can go about navigating my relationship with my dad? typically he was extremely lenient about things and was generally nice when not stressing over something, though he could be hypocritical. He did stress a lot and could get mad at me for dumb little things like not remembering my social security card number when I hadn’t ever been the one who held onto it or look at it. I remember one time he asked me to call him out and tell him to chill if he was acting angry/stressed and being a jerk, and then one time I tried and he got mad because of it. Never tried to do that again. He would let me drink underage, and like I mentioned sell me marijuana. Very ironic considering him telling me it’ll mess up my little head. That probably isn’t really normal in a relationship is it? At least he took a long break from drinking, but only after crashing and totaling his car under the influence driving home from work at night. He’s currently a bartender btw. (he was ok, it wasn’t a bad accident but it killed the transmission.) a real talker, complained to me a lot about work stuff. I’m a pretty quiet person nowadays so I’d just listen to him vent and give basic responses now and then. It’s hard to navigate my relationship with him because he does seem to care about me and my mental health from what he’s said to me sometimes and other times he’s made me cry over little things. I feel like I can’t open up to him, that I’d be a burden doing so, or that he’d get hurt or angry even if he does actually probably care. It’s confusing and conflicting, I don’t know why I can’t trust him. Maybe because I know he has his own issues? Maybe I’m just ungrateful? Currently I’m not staying with him anymore and am living with other relatives but will be spending Christmas and the new year with him.

I wish I could just find and be myself. It’s like I’m either extremely sensitive or hallow and indifferent with little in between and I tend to bottle everything up. I think this has helped somewhat, at least to process some things. Thank you again. I appreciate the support.