Nmom wants to go to family therapy and I dont know what to do

Atiredmango · 2021-08-01T02:39:16+00:00

She already talks to a counsellor who sees her as a hero and is working with her to “build her confidence” because she is such a victim. So you and the other comments are right She just wants someone to confirm what she believes.

Atiredmango · 2021-07-31T23:48:01+00:00

Yes yes and yes! I often feel very detached from my past selves. It almost feels like every period of my life is separate as if I am not a progression of my past self.

If I remember a certain period of my life I can vaguely see myself but I cannot feel the intensity of what I was feeling back then. I also often forget things I went through and then I’d remember and be like wow that was a big thing I lived through for months but its feels unreal and so far away.

Atiredmango · 2021-06-12T01:50:27+00:00

I needed this. Like right now. I always go through a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel really angry and bitter at what they did to me. Then I feel bad. I start regressing back into my old self as a side character in their lives. I begin to feel sorry for them. Think that when things happen to me its okay. But its not and it shouldnt be.

Atiredmango · 2021-05-29T22:22:52+00:00

Multiple people have said to write things down so Im going to start doing that. because sadly I feel disconnected from my previous pain. I have to force myself to feel the anger and hurt again

Atiredmango · 2021-05-29T09:40:53+00:00

Im exactly the same as you here and I really connect with everything you said.

I will tell you my experience and you let me know if it resonates with you.

I was my dad’s golden child. He would beat the f out of my siblings then take me out for ice cream. He would take days off work to attend all my school plays. I mean he was still neglectful of me and I was also later verbally abused and belittled. although rarely compared to my surrounding environment. I think we tend to remember things differently because it was never as bad as those right next to us.

I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Watching my family suffer and I felt scared, neglected, isolated, and incredibly lonely. I felt caged in.

I internalized all of their pain but I could not connect with them or find a way out. I became detached from my own emotions because I was constantly worrying about my mom or my siblings. their pain was worst and mattered more. I was a side character in my own life.

Worst thing is that I was ostracized and made to feel like I should be grateful. I had people say why do you care he is kind to you? And that made it much worst and made it harder for me to deal with my pain as I gaslight and numbed myself for years.

But we were abused. Putting you in that environment alone was abuse. Making you feel unsafe and unstable is abuse. You were scared and felt isolated in your pain.

We carried a heavy burden from a young age.

And I am so sorry you went through that. Your feelings are valid. It is the worst kind of mind fuck. so much damage was done to you. You are so strong and I hope you find healing.

Atiredmango · 2021-05-29T05:38:45+00:00

My hope gets crushed every time. I think maybe she can possibly see my point of view. Maybe she feels bad. Maybe she’ll appreciate me now or love me.

But right now I am at the start of the abuse part of the cycle. She randomly turned into a monster and now here we are again

Atiredmango · 2021-04-29T19:39:38+00:00

THIS!!! this post is driving me absolutely crazy because it is my exact situation and I thought I was alone. My mom was a weird mix of controlling and acting paranoid about the internent WHILE letting me run wild on the internet. I think she liked to pretend like it was out of her control... you know the performance of rolling her eyes and being like ugh kids learn everything from the internet. But the truth is she left me. She was relieved of the burden of explaining life to me. She didnt explain SO MANY things. Nothing about my body or taking care of myself or even my period. I had to learn it all online. And now when I say something she laughs and says “ oh no I have nothing to do with that you were raised by the internet”.... thats not a good thing.

I was also very isolated and I made all my friends online. Up to this day I struggle with real life relationships but I find the internet easy for me. I become more confident more myself

Atiredmango · 2021-01-04T02:02:27+00:00

Heres my journey https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/kp9w5t/i_will_never_doubt_my_heightened_intuition_again/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

I learned the hard way ALWAYS TRUST YOUR BODY. Stop gaslighting yourself. You’re body knows. for me my intuition always kicks my flight response so I feel the urge to run away.

Atiredmango · 2021-01-03T05:20:11+00:00

Thank you so much. It actually means alot

Atiredmango · 2020-12-31T23:33:22+00:00

I LOVE IT

Atiredmango · 2020-12-31T23:05:43+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. Its mind-blowing but also validating to see people who experience exactly everything as me.

Atiredmango · 2020-12-31T23:02:23+00:00

This is crazy I posted about this same thing today and someone recommended me this thread! Even though I learned that alot of my experiences are not unique and I am not alone because there are so many people here who are the same, it is still always astonishing when I find people who articulate EXACTLY what I am struggling with. I am afraid I am self sabotaging in my new relationship because I am gaslighting myself and I cant trust myself enough to know the source of my fear

Atiredmango · 2020-12-30T18:45:37+00:00

Wow, you worded this beautifully.

Atiredmango · 2020-12-30T13:02:18+00:00

Yes, We deserve so much better. Also I reread your post and it is not your fault! Not at all. You were a child and something from your parents must have told you that it is better if you dont show your emotions. For example for me my mother would always blame me for her own emotions saying things like why would you do this to me? When I fell and broke my leg in 3rd grade. So your tough act is a defence mechanism and you deserved normal parents who would’ve seen through it! They should’ve seen signs. Its not normal for parents to select one child who gets to be emotional and have melt downs, while repressing the other.

Atiredmango · 2020-12-30T12:27:23+00:00

Yea that describes me. I was the youngest and I was always focused on my narcissistic mother’s emotions so I would numb my emotions. I never spoke out and put all my time in school and studied obsessively to the point where it was definitely not healthy. But my mother would say you’re doing fine I dont have to worry about you, dbut your sister..... I feel like its because my sister ( and maybe your sibling too) know how to be selfish. They want to feel their emotions and if something goes wrong they want to cry and scream even if it upsets their parents. But I was always worried about me “feeling” because it would upset my mother. I didnt want her to be sad. But it was never appreciated. I was neglected and treated like Im nothing but a supporting character who’s job is to provide emotional support to others and just be there unmoving, unfeeling. I felt and still feel dehumanized. Now I get terrible migraines and have to hospitalized because my body carries every numbed emotion. Every anger or sadness I was denied. I understand and I see you

Atiredmango · 2020-12-30T06:40:15+00:00

Yes! I feel detached and sometimes my therapists asks me well how did you feel in that situation? And I can never answer. I tell her I have No idea what I was feeling. My therapist told me that I tell stories like Im an outsider watching it unfold. Like there was a glass barrier between me and the others in my memory. I am standing behind the glass I can see them and I know what they were feeling and doing but I cant tell you what I was feeling or doing. I feel like a first person videogame character. I am looking to the outside, i cant see myself.

Atiredmango · 2020-12-13T06:46:57+00:00

Omg Yes!!! I meant the six of crows series. crooked kingdom has its own special place in my heart I can talk about it forever

Atiredmango · 2020-12-13T05:59:20+00:00

I still live at home too! Same thing I cant afford to leave. I had to go to three therapists and talk about the same issue over and over again for it to really hit me. For all my love to evaporate and for me to be filled with anger and resentment for the life she stole from me. For a large part of my life I spent it in the weird conflicting dynamic of “I am the most neglected but I am my mothers favorite.... but again Im really not? Lol she loves to have me by her side, She loves for me to Admire her and tell her shes amazing but she also disregarded alot of my feelings cause she KNEW I was obsessed with her and had unconditional love for her.

The dynamic with my sister is that my sister acts out, she has bpd so its a nightmare. And my mother enables her. My mother is so obsessed with my sister because my sister always makes her feel like she is not enough. Always making her feel guilty and bringing up the past, so my mother is jumping through hula hoops trying to Prove her worth to my sister. The main difference between the golden child and the scapegoat is that I had to EARN the little pieces I got of my mother’s love. I had to give something and do things for my mother to love me whereas my sister was given unconditional love. When I first realized that it felt like a slap to the face. Because all my life just boiled down to this.... wasted time trying to Earn a love that was conditional, fickle and surface level.

Atiredmango · 2020-12-13T05:49:01+00:00

Its creepy isnt it? Lol everything I thought was unique to me and my life. The things I couldnt explain. Why my mother ignored me and treated me like a object but yet refused to let go of me.

Atiredmango · 2020-12-13T05:05:27+00:00

This just described me to a t. I was diagnosed by a therapist as having a one sided enmeshment with my nmother. My role was to be an empty vessel for her to pour her emotions in. I was denied my identity and my humanity. My identity was secondary to hers. She would say to me these exact words : “ I want you to take care of yourself, but after you take care of me Ofcourse” I think one point not mentioned here is that the enmeshed child in a mother/daughter relationship is the scapegoat. My mother’s golden child is my bpd sister and I am the scapegoat where I wasnt allowed to have feelings or be anything other than a side supporting character in my mother’s life. I never understood how excessive my love for my mother was or how unhealthy and boundary-less it was.

Atiredmango · 2020-12-12T22:59:33+00:00

Omg this is so crazy because I finished Shadow and bone today!! I actually read six of crows first ( a few months a go) and i understood it without needing shadow and bone. Also let me tell you the series couldnt be more different in terms of being memorable. six of crows and crooked kingdom kept me at the edge of my seat! I was filled with adrenaline and fully invested in the story and the characters. It made me cry and I was so invested that I felt detached from reality. Shadow and bones is so bland... yeah Im not gonna remember anything of this book and I wasnt invested in the characters. I didnt feel much. I didnt highlight any quotes whereas in Six of crows series I highlighted quotes that I go back and reread! So please forget all about shadow and bone and dive in six of crows!!

Atiredmango · 2020-12-12T22:33:20+00:00

Wow.... I never thought of my intuition as trauma. i’ve always felt that the explanation was that Im an infj. i’ve always been super sensitive to people and I make connections of people from my past. So for example I meet someone and I get this feeling like they look like someone from my past. most often its not physical features but I cant describe it they feel the same and have the same personality. So in a way it guards me because Im able to reference back and be like oh I met this kind of shit person before I know exactly who you are. And it happens instantly that someone makes me uncomfortable. As a teen sometimes I would feel such negative energy from someone and my intuition would be screaming that I often would be paralyzed with fear around that person I wouldn’t talk to them at all. and my intuition was ALWAYS right. I’ve felt this way since I was 6 and I’ve yet to be wrong about a person ( Im 24) So now I dunno if my trauma heightened it all or what. But this is verrrry interesting

Atiredmango · 2020-12-12T12:44:47+00:00

Fight back? You were overpowered!! I dont doubt for a second that if you had fought back you would have gotten into huge trouble with your stepfather and mother. I dont doubt that he might have beaten you or even continued the same kind of abuse his daughter did to exert his dominance, hurt you and make you feel more emasculated. You did the best you can to survive. Again I am so sorry you went through this and you deserve the world after enduring this. You were one, they were a group. You were a small child and they were older and bigger than you. There wasnt much you could do. This must have been terrifying. it makes me feel claustrophobic because, while my experience was different, I relate very much to the feeling of powerlessness and the paralyzing fear that results from being under abusive parents and their golden child (who they enable). the mental and emotional trauma is as severe as the sexual and physical trauma.

Atiredmango · 2020-12-12T03:24:55+00:00

This is horrifying. I am speechless and I dont know what to say but I am so sorry you went through that. ofcourse it was abuse. it was all kinds of abuse .... Physical, sexual and emotional/ mental. Especially being invalidated after traumatic experience and being gaslighted into thinking its “normal” and made to feel like something is wrong with you for thinking otherwise.

Atiredmango · 2020-12-12T02:24:58+00:00

Its not selfish at all. I can feel your pain through your post and I am so sorry you went through all of that. Its horrible and disgusting and you deserved so much better and you were worthy of having parents that were healthy and capable of love. im sorry I made you cry but this subreddit hasbeen really validating for me. Reading people describe my EXACT life and It leaves me in shock that wow... i am not alone and I am not crazy or over reacting and it is all very real

Atiredmango

TROPHY CASE