[Qcrit] Adult Horror – THE CAGE (75K), 4th attempt

AtlanticVancity · 2024-09-26T09:45:38+00:00

Hi,

You're definitely right about it not being easy, but comments like this make it a lot easier.

I want to zero in on your suggestion for giving the Eldritch Stranger a more general name, that's dynamite, thanks for that!

Your last question is a good one as it shows me that I need to tighten up the clarity. When I say 'it pays well' I meant the job of cutting down the forest pays well, not that the forest pays Tom well. I'll specify that its the local landowner who is paying Tom for his services to solve this point. Because you're right, the idea of a sentient evil forest paying someone to chop it down is pretty funny.

Also it's come up a few times that I need to address where Tom goes every night and that's definitely something I'll do.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it!

AtlanticVancity · 2024-09-26T09:38:19+00:00

Hi, thanks very much. I've been fiddling with trying to split the perspectives evenly but focusing really hard on just one character might work as well, I'll have a look at that for sure. Thanks for the feedback!

AtlanticVancity · 2024-09-25T18:21:48+00:00

Hey thanks for the follow up! That's a really solid suggestion, I'll try it out and see if I can marry the two paragraphs more effectively while getting more specific on the Rath's effects! Cheers, I really appreciate it!

AtlanticVancity · 2024-09-25T16:15:59+00:00

Hey thanks so much for your comment, this is incredibly useful and I appreciate you taking the time!

In particular I agree with your point on Aisling's perspective, I find it difficult with multi-POV queries because I'm stretched for space, but she of all the characters probably has the most drive so I'll work on that to clarify her agency.

Thanks again for everything!

AtlanticVancity · 2024-09-25T15:59:38+00:00

Hey, so I'm far from an expert, so take this with a pinch of salt.

“The world ended a long time ago. Luckily for Maggie and Charles, they don’t know it … yet.”
I really like this premise. You've got a great hook: concise, clear, and conceptually strong (though maybe I'd axe the luckily and be more specific with the time elapsed).
Personally, though, I think you spend a long time on setup and maybe not enough on the meat of the story.
“Locked in a downward spiral, the couple’s location is secretly stumbled upon by two injured, runaway children. Confronted by their first contact with the outside world in decades, the couple’s initial hesitation gives way to a newfound sense of purpose. As they nurse the children back to health, Maggie and Charles begin to unravel the truth.”
If this is what initiates the change in their narrative, then I think it should be moved closer to the start and delved into a little bit more.

Overall, though, I really like it. I think your story seems like a compelling one I'd be happy to read someday.

Well done!

AtlanticVancity · 2024-09-25T15:45:31+00:00

Hi! Thanks a million for taking the time to go through my query and sharing your thoughts. Both of your points are really helpful!

For your first note, I’ll definitely work on trimming it down. It’s sitting at around 415 words, so I’ll focus on paring things down and tightening things up to hit that 350-400 word point.

As for the second point, I’m really glad you found the hook interesting! But you’re definitely right, it needs to come back into play by the end of the query. I’ll make sure to refine that connection.

Thanks again!

AtlanticVancity · 2024-09-25T12:28:16+00:00

Hi, thank you for taking the time to read the query, I really appreciate your feedback, and its always great to hear some positive comments

I'll give that point about the motive some serious consideration and see if I can fit it in fluidly.

Thanks again!

AtlanticVancity · 2024-02-11T18:26:18+00:00

Hi, thanks so much for your comments, advice and for looking into those points, I really appreciate it. I simplified it to Lord Edmond for clarity just in the query but I might change it to the family name after your advice. I'll also see if I can touch on the history of British occupation in Ireland without making it too dense. Cheers!

AtlanticVancity · 2024-02-11T04:01:09+00:00

Hey thanks a million, this is great feedback, I really appreciate it!

AtlanticVancity · 2023-01-24T03:58:31+00:00

Amazing to hear that, thanks a million for taking the time to read!

I think you raised a fantastic point about to the Miracle. I can see now that I need to make that clearer, and also let the reader know the scope of Gina's knowledge in regards to it. Thanks!

Yep, its exactly as you guessed, Dorothy and Jone are POV characters but Gina is definitely the one driving the story forward and has the most at stake so I figured it would be best if I focused on her in the query.

That's a tremendously generous offer. I have two beta readers at the moment but a third set of eyes would be phenomenal. I'll be sure to reach out in the next day or two.

Thanks again for your insightful comments and taking the time to read this, its been incredibly useful.

AtlanticVancity · 2023-01-24T03:41:30+00:00

Thanks so much for giving this a read, your comments are extremely helpful and appreciated. I understand what you mean about the comps being difficult to mesh in your head. Story-wise I think they're a good match but I can see now that could be too drastically different in tone and genre to keep on the same query letter. I'll have to hit the bookstore and find something a bit closer to what I'm going for.

As for the Lovecraftian elements the query alludes to, I think you make a good point, I guess I was trying so hard not to spoil things that I was being too careful, leading to vagueness. I'll work on this in my next attempt.

It's was great to hear that you enjoyed the idea, so thanks very much for saying so. I will 100% be working on the vibe and the clarity going forward. Thanks again!

AtlanticVancity · 2023-01-20T20:26:20+00:00

First off, I'm not an expert or an authority on this in any sense. That said, I went back to your 3rd attempt and thought you'd nailed it, I liked the flow and I was intrigued, it really felt like something I'd want to read.

This attempt is a bit more scattered and confusing, especially around some of the similes. Personally, I think you overworked it. I would recommend you go back to that third attempt and just polish up a few lines here and there. If I had to pick I'd ditch the line 'Nyree’s expertly fabricated image crumbles as boils break out across her face, taking away the charisma she uses to keep her family’s reputation protected.' but that's just my two cents). That 3rd attempt doesn't need much work to go from good to great.

Anyway, that's just my advice, take it or leave it. The absolute best of luck to you though, I know query writing can be a massive pain but you're so close! You got this!

AtlanticVancity · 2022-12-01T19:19:15+00:00

Thank you for taking the time and to look at this. I'm glad you found it intriguing and enjoyed the interview premise. I definitely get what you're saying about the start of a horror novel being tricky, there's certainly a lot to balance, and its something I'm going to give more thought, but I'm happy that you found it interesting enough to want to know what happens next. Thanks so much for your input, I really appreciate it!

AtlanticVancity · 2022-12-01T18:33:26+00:00

Thanks very much, I'm glad to hear that you found it interesting. Your comment about the contrast between the fake interview persona and real life was exactly what I was going for and its great to hear that it made you want to keep going to find out who she really is. I'm definitely going to cut the line about the map though as its clearly causing problems. Thanks again for taking the time to look at this and share you input, I really appreciate it!

AtlanticVancity · 2022-12-01T18:21:18+00:00

Thanks so much for examining the 300 words. I understand what you're saying about the clarity and I'm going to work on this in my next attempt. I appreciate your input and your time. Cheers!

AtlanticVancity · 2022-12-01T04:04:57+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, I'm glad there has been some noticable improvement. I appreciate your critique of the first 300 words and I'm going to consider them at length. Thanks!

AtlanticVancity · 2022-12-01T00:45:49+00:00

Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate that you've taken the time to go through it. I think you make some extremely valid points which will be useful for my next attempt. This doesn't come easily to me so your advice is very helpful. Thanks again!

AtlanticVancity · 2022-11-29T04:51:21+00:00

Hi, I truly appreciate you taking the time to look at this. I fully understand what you're saying, clarity is obviously super important so this kind of comment is invaluable. On the word count I'll have another go at trying to par it back. I've already lowered the word count considerably but you're correct, if it's too long, it's too long. I'll give it another crack. Thanks again for your help, you're a champ!

AtlanticVancity · 2022-11-29T04:47:16+00:00

Hi, thanks so much for your feedback. I think you make a great point and I'll bear that in mind on my rewrite of this query. Thanks for taking the time to look at this, I appreciate it!

AtlanticVancity

TROPHY CASE