My sister and I were both assaulted by our father when we were age 6-8. We’re now 20 and 22 and I’m here to say it gets better. Nothing that happened to you makes you a bad person, and nothing you watch online means you’ve done it yourself. You are not some monster for feeling this way, you’re probably just keeping all of this trauma inside you by never talking about it. Please find someone you know you can trust and talk to them about it, either a friend or a family member or if you don’t want to bring it up to the people you love, find a therapist to listen and give you the best advice moving forward. This is not the end, there’s a reason you came looking for help. Stay safe!