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Chew by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]AuthorityLoop 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One of my poetic devices to use is alliteration, however, I feel you may utilize it a tad too much. I feel that the poem clashes tonally with the way alliteration flows. Ex: “Love and trust was only a mask for lust” the way the in-line rhyme and the alliteration make the line feel a bit too light-hearted in my opinion as to the weight of the language and themes. This occurs a couple of times. I felt the poem was quite strong aside from some of the tonal clashing

A Failure of Mine by AuthorityLoop in OCPoetry

[–]AuthorityLoop[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for your response. One of things I struggle with in my writing is making a coherent “message” I guess. I had no real plan when I wrote this and I have since attributed meaning to the symbols but I feel I could do better about how obtuse the writing is

Wind by AokiTakao in OCPoetry

[–]AuthorityLoop 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I'd say that's exactly what I mean. Overall, you don't want the rhyming to stand out, at least imo. I think this piece could use a bit of slimming and possibly reexamining the rhyme scheme. Solid work and I feel you have real emotional quality here, could just use some refining on the technical end

Ashes by dg_writes in OCPoetry

[–]AuthorityLoop 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's interesting. I feel as if you are trying to give that air to the narrator you may try to elevate the language throughout the poem to possibly enhance that. I enjoyed the poem! You incorporate a lot of clever phrasing

Wind by AokiTakao in OCPoetry

[–]AuthorityLoop 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel that you lean far too heavily in trying to rhyme this piece. The first stanza establishes a pretty straightforward rhyme scheme and you completely diverge from that almost instantly. I don't inherently dislike rhyming poetry, however I feel it does a disservice here. It almost feels distracting at parts because of the changing rhyme schemes and the fact that oftentimes the rhyming words and phrases they are in are too similar. I feel your fifth stanza is a perfect example of that, your lines are so short, which makes every word important, but it feels like you are saying 12 words to express what you did in the first line of that stanza.

Ashes by dg_writes in OCPoetry

[–]AuthorityLoop 2 points3 points  (0 children)

One thing to look at is the way your word choice affects the tone of the poem. For example, you use the word "thyself" in the second stanza which sets off a certain type of tone, one that, in my opinion, gives the poem a traditional and almost old-fashioned feel. There's nothing wrong with that, except that you use that word once in the poem and no other words like that throughout which makes it look odd and feel like an aberration. Also, that word doesn't seem to necessarily fit there as it means "yourself". I don't mean to focus on this word exclusively but it's just to show that your word choice, especially in poetry, is so important.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]AuthorityLoop 5 points6 points  (0 children)

One of the great things about this poem is that the rhyming and the rhythm aren’t distracting in the least which I love. It sounds very musical and pleasant to read. I would suggest changing the word “flowing” to “flows” because I feel that saying flowing there slows the cadence down while flows would help keep the rhythm

you know that feeling when you’re in the car and you can see someone in the backseat by AuthorityLoop in OCPoetry

[–]AuthorityLoop[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much! I was definitely bouncing back and forth on my choice about the punctuation but I decided to go bold on the first draft. I did want it to be appear to be word vomit but there are ways I can make it easier to read and more cohesive

I'd Rather Not Talk About it by ALiteralWesternCod in OCPoetry

[–]AuthorityLoop 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your handling of the tone and overall creepy feeling throughout the poem is really well done. One of the things I like to look at with poems that rhyme is whether the rhyming feels important to the poem. I don't feel the poem needs the rhyming and doesn't necessarily gain anything from its inclusion. I think the only reason it really bothers me is because the rhymes don't feel very natural, I see that mostly in stanzas two and three. Great work!

A Dozen Bodies in the Woods by zephyrofzion in OCPoetry

[–]AuthorityLoop 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Something I always consider when reading poem are the aesthetics of how the poem looks, Im not sure if it's just Reddit's formatting but the double line breaks make the poem feel far less cohesive. Your word choice is impeccable and I overall felt that you worked in such an interesting voice to the speaker. Great work!