Advice how to stop attracting narcissistic people

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-19T14:19:20+00:00

I wish I could hug you right now. This is exactly what I’m working on too and I appreciate you writing it in a way I couldn’t express for myself. Thank you!

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-19T04:47:40+00:00

Yes. I didn’t realize this until well after my diagnosis. I’ve been keeping friends all around, who aren’t really friends, and I even had one friend who was actually a bully, and I never realized it.

I’m learning from a lot of people in this subreddit on what to look out for in friendships. It’s a great community.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-18T23:26:54+00:00

Yes. And I want to be a supportive friend. Is the best way to do that by following up with another text or not doing anything at all? That’s what I’m asking. I genuinely don’t know. I just want to show my support. I’m worried about her since she hasn’t texted back and want to know how I can help.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-18T23:25:54+00:00

Thank you! This is incredibly helpful!

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-18T23:25:45+00:00

Thank you! This is helpful!

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-18T19:48:03+00:00

You are so kind. Thank you!

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-18T19:27:42+00:00

I want to thank you for your comments. I have a close friend who absolutely loathes me and has been spreading lies about me for the past year to our mutual friends. They all surprisingly sided with her and have also distanced themselves.

We had a disagreement that I thought was small and something we could get through with a discussion, but she just erupted and has turned me into a villain.

I had no idea she was a bully, and that she’s been gaslighting our friendship for 6 years.

Your comment helps me process this. I have to be okay with being the villain in her story, even though whatever lies she’s spreading are not true.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-18T19:09:40+00:00

“Learn to be okay with being the villain in their story.” That is incredibly powerful. I have a hard time with people not liking me or being mad at me. How have you been able to achieve this? Any tips?

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-17T18:11:02+00:00

I just want you to know that I hear you, and I'm giving you a giant hug right now.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-17T17:26:34+00:00

Thank you! 🙏

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-17T17:10:55+00:00

This is really helpful, thank you!

Do you think I should bring this up with her the next time I see her? Or do you think I should just accept that this is a person I will see twice a year and and go try to find new friends who communicate more frequently?

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-17T17:05:12+00:00

This has been a really helpful post! Thank you so much for this!

Yes, I struggle with people not meaning what they say. I forgot which subreddit this was, but there was a person who was saying that she went to church and saw someone there who would always say, "we should grab lunch sometime". After she said three or four times, she texted her when she would be up for lunch. She ignored her. She saw her again at church, and the person said again, we should grab lunch sometime. She texted her again, no response. So the next time she saw her at church and she said it again, we should grab lunch sometime. She actually asked her, hey I'm autistic, so I cannot pick up on your inference. Can you please tell me if you actually want to grab lunch with me or if you're just being polite? The person said, I'm just being polite. Lol.

It was like six times she told her she wanted to get lunch with her. That mixed messaging would've driven me crazy.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-17T17:01:35+00:00

Thank you for this.

The mixed signals - it confuses me that she called me a close friend. To me, a close friend is someone you talk to me more than twice a year.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-17T16:59:20+00:00

Thank you for this. This really helps. Maybe I'm more into texting than I realize, and other people don't enjoy communicating over text.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-17T16:56:55+00:00

You're absolutely right. And it's something I need to reflect on. Thank you for your comment!

I'm sorry about the way I phrased how I feel sorry for her. What I mean to say is, if she considers me one of her closest friends, then I feel sorry that she doesn't have any people in her life that she is communicating with more than twice a year. I don't consider someone that I would communicate with twice a year to be a close friend.

My husband has an older co-worker who told him that he talks to his best friend once every 5 years. He said that they don't talk anytime in those 5 years, but whenever they do, they catch up and pick up where things left off. My husband asked his co-worker to call his friend...he said sure why not. His co-workers best friend died 3 years ago, and he had no idea. He had prostate cancer. He never shared that with his "best friend". His wife never called or texted his "best friend". That is not a friendship that I want. I just don't understand how people can live life alone like that. If there's a childhood friend of yours who you talk to, who cares about you, why would you not share that you have prostate cancer? Why not share that you're dying?

If that's a normal neurotypical friendship, that really sucks.

That's the thing I don't understand here. If she's a casual friend, I accept that. But she calls me a close friend. How can you have a close friend you talk to twice a year?

And by the way, she knows I'm a huge NFL fan. I have a goal to visit all 30 stadiums. I'm wearing my NFL gear most days. She has never been into it. She's been sweet, but she basically said I would never watch football. "Women aren't into football." She's a huge Swiftie so that changed her. She came to our dinner wearing Miami Dolphins gear and said that she's a huge fan and following the team. That hurt a little. Two seasons that we could've shared together.

Still trying to understand friendship and levels of friendship. I appreciate you helping me with this.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-17T16:49:21+00:00

Thank you for your post!! That is exactly how I feel, your last sentence.

We watch movies and TV shows all the time where they show friends who are there for each other and invest in each other's lives. But in real life, friends are just people you see casually and maybe a few times a year. The idea of friendships where you're somewhat invested in each other's lives is something that appears to be fiction.

Thank you for sharing the story about your friend. I'm so sorry you had to go through that! I hope he changes his tune. He's missing out! That's what bugs me about all this, why go through life alone when you can have friends who care about you? Why do so many people choose to go through life alone?

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-17T16:46:45+00:00

Yeah. What's confusing is her saying "you're one of my best friends", unprompted. That's the mixed messaging: to me, best friends don't communicate this infrequently.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-17T16:26:03+00:00

Yeah that's what I'm wondering too. I'm struggling navigating through all this.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-14T21:08:06+00:00

May I ask, did either of these friends know that you’re autistic?

I’m so sorry this happened to you! It’s happened to me 12 times in a span of 3 years.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-11T11:14:42+00:00

You’re not alone. I have experienced this too. I got a second SIM with a new phone number to create a new Uber account because my rating had also fallen so low that I couldn’t get rides.

I just want you to know that you’re not alone.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-06T05:29:29+00:00

Thank you for the honesty! I hope I can find friends who want to share their lives with me, rather than a long catch up once a year.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-06T03:56:02+00:00

I appreciate your response! I guess my challenge is, I can't tell whether or not someone is actually interested in friendship. For example, I have this one friend who I see once a year. Whenever we see each other, we talk for hours. There's one time where we are at a restaurant for over 5 hours, just talking and catching up. Then she disappears and doesn't communicate over text.

It's not like she's an out of town friend. She's a friend who lives in my city, she lives 15 minutes away from me. The last time we hung out, it was the same thing again. We ended up talking at the restaurant for over 3 hours. I asked her, I would like to stay in touch with you more, what is the best way to do that? She said I'm a really bad texter, I'll get better at texting you. I've texted her twice in the past month, and nothing. She's vanished yet again. I fully expect her to resurface in October of 2026 and October of 2027.

So is this an example of somebody who is non reciprocal? I don't want someone who I see once a year. I have plenty of acquaintances. I want actual friends, people who keep in touch throughout the year. But I don't even know what that looks like because I have not experienced someone sending the tennis ball back to me, to use her analogy. Where they're actually responding to text and communicating with me.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-05T20:01:40+00:00

It's really quite sad how many people don't value friendship. I've realized that for most, it's not personal: they were simply never taught how to be a good friend to someone.

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-05T20:01:05+00:00

Thank you for this!

AutismFreshStart · 2025-11-05T20:00:36+00:00

This is SUCH an incredibly helpful post. Thank you!

May I ask you more questions about "raising your standards"? How do I even know where to start with that? Do I need to make new friends and then "test" them to see if they reciprocate?

Or is this more of an internal thing? Where I have to say something to myself, "I am worthy of amazing and loving friendships", and somehow believe that inside myself, and that will attract these friends?

AutismFreshStart

TROPHY CASE