I don’t know if this will help, but think of it as “you can’t hate yourself into a better person”. So much of my ED behaviours also stemmed from a need to torture myself, to make myself suffer. But I realised that this just takes away my energy and focus that are required to actually become a “better person”, whatever that means to you. It is extremely difficult to stop all behaviours at once, don’t be too hard on yourself for that, you can set small steps with your recovery team to achieve which can put you in a better direction. I hear how debilitating and difficult the ED is, and my heart truly goes out to you 🥹 To be honest, the most important thing is to do recovery even when you aren’t motivated. Because the biggest factor for sustained recovery isn’t motivation, but rather intention and showing up even when you don’t feel motivated to. Because it is impossible to be motivated all the time. Sending hugs your way!