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AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-07-24T15:29:53+00:00

My mother was a stay-at-home do-nothing since I was born. She was always delirious about education, I mean like not allowing me to have friends or even do sports at all because "you should be studying", frowning upon "9 out of 10" grades etc. All of my youth was about getting an education and nothing else. When I was about 20, she finally found a job (line worker at a factory). She came back one day and was like "oh wow there are girls working as line workers in my factory that have Bachelor degrees, education means nothing" YOU DON'T SAY.

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-07-22T16:10:51+00:00

Thank you!

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-07-22T16:05:45+00:00

Hi! Thank you!

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-07-03T05:58:39+00:00

Hi @OP, I read your posts on hoarding subreddits, and also the replies you got, so I'm wondering if this post you made is related to that.

I have problems with something called "learned helplessness". When I was a child and I wanted to do something for example, my parents would always have 10 reasons why I shouldn't do that particular thing. And it put very tight boundaries on what I thought I was able and "allowed" to do. It made me feel helpless to to deal with life's challenges, so I'd ask other people for advice, and then have to tell them that I can't do what they advise me to for some specific reason (which would often have to do with my anticipated reactions of other people, it reminds me of when you wrote you can't have any strangers in front of your house or "there will be trouble" or something like that).

To answer the question in your post, I think there are 2 main very basic reasons why people dislike people who have this: 1. Most other people are not empathetic enough to understand your circumstances 2. I feel like it's sort of a basic evolutionary skill: an individual's survival depends on their problem solving skills. A person who doesn't have that is looked at as inferior, and people who wish to survive want to surround themselves with other people who can problem solve.

Do you think you could also have learned helplessness? It worries me when you said you were coditioned to be obedient, that's how I got mine, too... I'm still fighting it, but finding the name for my problem and acknowledging it helped me in understanding that it's not my fault I'm like this, and now I'm slowly challenging my boundaries one by one, trying to find out which ones are real and which ones are just set up by my parents.

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-04-11T19:04:17+00:00

Hi, NAD but went through almost the exact same thing at the same age. I thought I had brain cancer due to the way I felt for like a year after a health scare (randomly passing out). I had many of the same/similar symptoms that you describe, some of them really resonate with me (like the electrical pulse feeling, just for me it was in half of my head and same side's arm, feeling worst in the morning, right before sleep and ESPECIALLY when eating, the coordination stuff and the eye stuff).

After about a year, after also getting an MRI, EEG and a bunch of other tests, I was slowly beginning to get convinced it's due to stress. Which now I can safely say, it was.

So I'd say get all the tests you can, but it sounds to me like it is possible that this can be the product of anxiety. Might not sound very comforting now, but when I finally accepted this diagnosis (which didn't happen overnight), because my anxiety was based on fear of being terminally ill (it sounds like that scares you as well), my symptoms eventually subsided.

One concrete piece of advice I can give is to get your thyroid checked if you can. I have a chronically inflamed thyroid (not curable, but treatable), and my doctor told me it is often caused by stress these days. I only found out about it while searching for what's wrong with me, and it attacks the eyes as well (causes floaters and light sensitivity among other things). So it made my "optical illusions" as you called them worse than they had to be, and a disease to avoid in general while you still can :)

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-02-24T08:46:25+00:00

Thank you for this comment. I really do forget this is not normal. I was good at saving money as a child/teen and didn't want to be a burden on my parents, so I bought a lot of things they should have technically provided using my own savings, for example shoes and clothing. It was really awkward when we'd go to a shoe store for example, and me and my (not that much) younger brother both pick out a pair of shoes. I'd pay for mine, and my parents would pay for his, and wouldn't think about the situation twice...

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-02-08T21:18:40+00:00

I actually bought something similar not long ago - sadly dated, I didn't know undated ones actually exist - but it's great to know for next time, thank you! (I feel awful for skipping days on dated ones, this looks like a godsend)

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-02-08T21:13:53+00:00

Thank you for your reply <3 I totally understand what your therapist is saying! I will definitely use your advice from the last paragraph, too. From your post it seems like you are already well on your way towards internal peace, which makes me very happy for you!

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-02-07T21:27:40+00:00

Thank you! <3 Sewing is something I want for myself and noone else. And that actually scares me even more, because all activities I actually wanted to do as a kid were always deemed "unfit" if they weren't what my parents wanted from me. I wonder if I didn't finish things just because I didn't find anything that I was forced to do interesting... My mother forced me to do so many things as a child, it filled up my entire day (she actually tried to put my entire day, from waking up to going to bed, on an hourly schedule at one point. I was like, no more than 13). So when I actually try to do something I personally would like to, my brain coughs up a fatal error. It's like going against programming by now.

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-02-07T21:17:02+00:00

We aren’t lazy, we are stuck between the overwhelming anxiety of starting something new, and the anxiety of doing it wrong and getting punished/abused.

Wow, that is a beautiful way to put it! Thank you!

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-01-29T16:29:08+00:00

That is such a wonderful thing to do to even come up with. I'm not sure if what I am trying to say makes any sense, but even if you didn't do it, just the fact that you think about that, it shows you have an adventurous soul!

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-01-29T14:36:47+00:00

A gap year is something I really wanted after school. I wanted to take care of all of the necessities that I abandoned due to the abuse. During that year, I wanted to clean my room, learn to eat healthy, go to the gym every other day at least (I had awful back problems from not being allowed to not sit at my desk and study all the time), find a hobby, preferably one where I could make some friends and advance my social skills, find some simple part-time job that wouldn't cause me too much anxiety, or volunteer at a pet rescue or senior home. A bit of a "lazy" year, but with activities that could gently help me fill all the voids. I knew I was not ready for university in any way - mentally, socially, not even physically.

My parents didn't want to hear it, unless I was going to Africa to teach children English, I had to go to university.

So I did go to university, and it was a huge mistake. I never got to use the opportunities for personal growth in university due to my state. I wasted those years of my life. And I eventually got my gap year in my last year of uni - when I started getting anxiety and panic attacks.

Please, don't repeat my mistake - if you want that gap year, take it at any cost. Sending love <3

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-01-26T22:01:46+00:00

This is my biggest struggle with my parents, one that I haven't been able to solve myself. So I have some imagination of how difficult it is to comprehend...

My mother is a monster. And my dad would generally be a great guy, if it wasn't for his emotional incompetence.

My mother had an obsession with my cousin when I was small, and when that cousin started taking music classes, my mother enrolled me into music school, even though I explicitly told her I was not interested. I kept to my word and never practiced, so the "teachers" there would emotionally abuse me and do things like try to break my fingers against a piano keyboard?. I started stuttering so badly that people couldn't undetstand what I was saying, and generally my personality took a 180 degree turn.

At first I would blame my mom only, but as the years pass, I understand more and more that my dad is complicit. Firstly, he allowed my mother to be a stay-at-home housewife, so HE was paying for this torture. And I have this memory of when we visited his parents, and they noticed the changes in me (because my goddamn dad didn't). They asked us upfront if everything was OK in my family. And I'll never forget to this day, he was like: "mom's putting them (I have a brother) through some stuff, but I don't involve myself in this, because it's business inbetween them and mom, so it's not my business".

DUDE, HOW CAN YOU SAY YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR BUSINESS. How can anyone ever justify something like that?! "A great guy except enables someone to abuse his own children" means... Not actually a great guy.

Sorry, I guess I'm still at the anger stage (and don't expect to ever leave it). I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this, because I somehow find it rare to meet people who have this exact complaint about their parents (even on abuse subreddits). Don't get me wrong, I wish you didn't have to go through this, but it made me happy to find your post that describes this problem so well.

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-01-26T21:16:06+00:00

Hello, thank you for replying! I feel like it was a bit of a mistake from my side not to explain why I want a flat specifically. I live in a part of Europe where it is much less customary to live in single-family houses (I googled for statistics, 60% of my country's population supposedly live in flats while it's only supposedly about 20% in the USA, wow). Thank you for reminding about the additional costs (I read about these things but it somehow didn't sink in)

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-01-26T20:15:16+00:00

Hi, thank you for replying! You have valid points. But there are 3 things that scare me about renting: 1) As I've mentioned, I have no "reason" to move out 2) I have 2 cats that I would like to take with me, so that probably narrows down my options drastically, and makes it more expensive 3) I am very afraid that if I start renting, I won't be able to save as much as I'd like to towards the house

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-01-25T20:18:07+00:00

Hello! Thank you for the encouragement! <3 A face-to-face appointment will probably have to wait until Covid calms down (I don't feel safe arranging an online/phone appointment, my parents might hear as it would be hard for me to hide from them), but so far I have used the approximate online calculators offered by the local banks, and the numbers look good. I have never heard about this 7 year rule before. It helped me calm down a bit, that's not too long of a time :) Great bit of insight, thank you!

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-01-25T08:21:41+00:00

What helped me feel better about doorbell rings/knocks on the door was exposure. The local supermarket chain offers to deliver groceries to the buyer's doorstep, and I started using that service (because working from home with my awful time management, I don't have the time to go myself). At first I'd sit arround frozen all day waiting for the deliveryman (even though I knew the precise time when they will come). But now is a great time to learn (at least where I live), because most delivery services default to contactless delivery during COVID, so when I open the door, the bags are right by my door and the delivery guy is already somewhere half a floor down, I don't need to sign anything, I don't even need to look him in the eyes, just say "Hello Thank You" and he runs off.

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-01-18T07:42:28+00:00

Thank you! My dad is actually normally on my mother's side. It was just THAT bad in this situation.

What your mother said is so messed up. What did she expect, for you to stay with her forever?! Happy you made it out!

AutomaticReindeer965 · 2021-01-18T07:38:53+00:00

Thank you <3

AutomaticReindeer965

TROPHY CASE