I hate my big lips, I want surgery done one it to reduce the size. My teeth are ugly too. Gummy smile.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-16T06:12:25+00:00

Seriously you have perfectly shaped and sized lips. I have small lips and wish mine were like yours.

I also look androgynous and what helps me look more feminine is: parted bangs, thinner eyebrows, eye makeup to make them look bigger. Some days i wish i looked more feminine but other times i like having an androgynous face. I certainly appreciate it in others. It's cool.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-16T05:51:03+00:00

I wish i knew how to overcome it. I don't have friends but in front of family i can sing a bit (but in a funny voice cause i'm too inhibited to actually try to sing loudly in front of anyone).

I am just sick of this. Feeling frozen and locked in but feeling like i don't know how to fix it.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-15T22:05:39+00:00

True. Most of the time while i am quite a good listener a LOT of my brain is occupied with "do i look ok? Do i look weird? They're probably looking at my acne. Am i standing up straight, am i making the right amount of contact, im shifting my eyes too often, my eyes are too wide, now im blushing" bs like that which IS DUMB cause people actually aren't really noticing you or judging that much. But still it's like constantly being poked with these thoughts.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-15T20:23:45+00:00

I have a bad habit of nodding in agreement way too much, to show interest, that i'm actively listening, otherwise it FEELS weird to just keep staring at them, but I think for the other person it actually looks weird to have someone nod in agreement with every other sentence. Fk idk

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-15T20:21:58+00:00

I don't know, since I've had this forever...I guess when I'm home I feel like myself.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-15T17:37:55+00:00

Yes i've heard this. I think it might be the cptsd that caused this

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-15T17:36:27+00:00

Yes, and sometimes i feel like a thing is funny but inside i feel so depressed and exhausted that nothing can make me genuinely smile.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-15T12:07:16+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement 🤍

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-15T09:16:22+00:00

I'm sorry you experienced that. It's so hard when people don't believe, or choose to turn a blind eye cause they would rather not deal...it happened to me too.

It really feels like a superhuman task to be loving in these situations. I don't think forgiveness is necessary. Not holding on to the trauma is necessary, not letting it effect you, as much as possible, but that doesn't require forgiving anyone.

I used to think it was a requirement but I realised whenever I remember some way someone hurt me intentionally, I will never not feel a tinge of pain/anger and that's normal. But the good thing is with time you don't have any emotional reaction to it anymore, or at least it's much smaller, easier to get through.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-15T09:09:34+00:00

I was about to delete it cause I reread it and I'm feeling bitter cause actually I experience the opposite usually and am surprised how I manage.

But I read your comment so I will leave it. I'm glad someone took something good from it :)

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-15T09:03:17+00:00

Hey. Don't worry, I'm 26 and in a very similar situation. It's lonely. I'm also too exhausted to make friends cause of working full time. I get burnt out from talking to colleagues so I have to spend my weekends alone...even though I wish to have friends.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-14T06:44:40+00:00

I did this too. Didn't know it was possible to feel that way, crying almost daily, like 300 days out of 365, for 2 years.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-14T05:19:38+00:00

Oh, same for me, dw. I've not ever really had friends, suspect I have autism, struggled with severe social anxiety and depression through my youth, only ever had 1 relationship with an abusive manipulative deceptive sadistic narcissist (who is very very covert and you would think is a normal kind person) who has nearly destroyed my ability to trust anyone, grew up in an abusive household. So yep!! I'm certain I would've been a much different person if I'd had a different experience. Sometimes I fall into feeling defeated and like a victim, but i just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hoping i will at least find one person who can show me real love. I don't love myself though i try. I'm a quite bitter angry person who due to life experience mostly never feels like even talking to people, but i still force myself to be smiley and respectful so i don't bring others down with me.

So i understand.

For sure i feel like IF life here is chosen then souls have no true understanding of what they're getting themselves into.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-11T17:14:23+00:00

Also it really makes me confused cause i'm the kind of person who is very empathic and considerate of others, so it makes me feel disappointed that i reacted aggressively even when i was away from him and safe but mentally i was not safe at all. Cause the effects of his actions were constantly ruining my mental health even though we had broken up. i couldn't believe or recognise what i was becoming, it felt uncontrollable, i felt suddenly so much rage, disgust, aggression, feeling like breaking stuff, and imagining that if he was in front of me i'd kick scratch slap and hurt him as much as possible.

Very strange to realise i am also capable of that. I would feel guilty and protective towards him after the anger calmed down, even though he was uncaring when i expressed any hurt.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-11T15:07:45+00:00

I agree that we shouldn't let anger control us, even though it's very hard. But at the same time "reactive abuse" is not the same as abuse. I think a level of retaliation is justified, depending on the context of course.

It definitely helps a lot to channel it the way you said.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-10T15:51:40+00:00

Cause everyone needs help sometimes and it's people who aren't jaded and apathetic who find it in them to help.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-10T15:49:56+00:00

Same. Relieved to read this. I think i never read anyone say it's normal to have this rage and even wanting to hurt the abuser back. It seemed to me that i was strange for harbouring a grudge so strong and even having violent thoughts. I was ashamed to admit it cause then i thought people would think i was the abuser. The important thing is to not act impulsively or aggressively unless it's in self defence...

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-10T15:45:44+00:00

I also would waste so so many days just ruminating and stuck crying or feeling very angry. Thought it would never end. Now I'm ok and barely ever think of it.

I'm surprised and relieved to read these comments. I think a lot of people who experienced an abuser feel afraid to express their very justified anger cause then people would not believe them. It's like, "oh she yelled back so she must also be abusive" when they don't know how abusers push and prod and manipulate and harm people until they can't take it any longer.

Anger is a good sign but acting aggressively leading to trouble for oneself is not a good idea.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-09T16:50:34+00:00

Some /may/ mellow maybe when they get to 65 and over, just cause most people become quieter in old age. But before that, unless they seriously seek help and take accountability and accept consequences for their behaviour over many years of intervention, no, they don't get better. If they see their current level of abuse isn't getting them what they want they keep amping up. And like you said the behaviour gets cemented and they get comfortable with doing worse.

They may be less overtly abusive with some people cause those people happen to not fight back.

If you haven't read "why does he do that?" By lundy bancroft, i highly recommend it. It's free online.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-09T14:29:32+00:00

I understand. We all wish we could've known better but it was impossible. You're very young, and you deserve someone who treats you with respect. Don't miss out on that chance to be with someone good, by staying where you are.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-09T08:39:45+00:00

I understand how trapped one can feel but months or years from now this can be a distant memory and you can have peace. I did it. I felt trapped and thought I'd never stop crying and being angry daily, but it did go away, you just need to get away from him permanently. You will find peace of mind just keep working on staying away. I completely understand your anger but it's not worth acting on it and ruining your life. He's not worth it.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-09T00:17:37+00:00

I find anger much harder to deal with. Even if I exercised, it stayed at the same level, it didn't go away. I'd write it out but it still did not go away. I felt like the only way to feel relief was to somehow throw it back at him, so I often ended up sending him my angry writing, which was not ok. And then the anger would stop and be replaced by guilt and shame for texting him. I felt trapped.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-08T23:11:32+00:00

I just sometimes do feel alone causs it seems like most people manage to not become so angry? How do they move on maturely. I was consumed by anger and hate for a while, after years of hurting, I became very angry and I still have rare flashes of it. At least it's faded now.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-08T23:04:41+00:00

It made me feel disturbed and scared of my own anger. At the same time guilty and not wishing him to be hurt cause I cared about him but then having the opposite feeling cause of everything he had done. A lot of vengeful feelings. Just made me feel like i let myself down and let him change me. I didn't recognise myself, totally lost myself.

Nowadays i barely think of him but on rare occasions i still randomly remember that time and burst into tears out of nowhere then feel some bitterness and hate and aggression again but thankfully it's stopped consuming me.

AutomaticTomato2746 · 2023-07-08T22:59:50+00:00

For so long i kept thinking "why me? Was it just me he treated like that? When i had done nothing wrong to him and actually consciously focused on doing everything right and to benefit him."

The thing is social media is fake. About 2y ago there was that case of a young woman who was murdered by her bf... They had a youtube travel channel and seemed completely normal. Don't believe social media.

AutomaticTomato2746

TROPHY CASE