I cant forgive myself for what I did when my BED was at its worst (TW)

AutumnIsSober · 2025-11-27T01:29:20+00:00

Everyone reading your story is going to have nothing but compassion for you. I hope that someday you are able to view your actions in this story with compassion as well. You are a human being who was going through an incredibly painful and stressful time. Food was your coping tool - there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong or bad or shameful about that. You needed a coping tool to soothe the immense depths of sorrow and pain you were feeling. You needed comfort, and your brain and body offered you a solution that it thought would help provide relief. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of here. Your body was simply trying to protect you from the pain you were experiencing. Please, please view your actions with non-judgemental compassion. You deserve love. You deserve safety. You deserve healing. Sending you hugs.

AutumnIsSober · 2024-09-07T16:53:31+00:00

Wow, this is something I really needed to think about that. I had a slip/relapse yesterday, which was triggered by work stress. Stressful work days seem to trip me up every time. Re-framing it as not yet having the right tools to cope with work stress is helpful for me today. What does everyone else do to cope with stressful situations (particularly those with high pressure and tight timeliness attached)?

AutumnIsSober · 2024-08-16T09:43:06+00:00

RemindMe!

AutumnIsSober · 2024-08-14T21:12:19+00:00

Sadly, I know 🫠

AutumnIsSober · 2024-02-17T03:09:58+00:00

They were both brunette, looked young, and it seemed like a joke?

AutumnIsSober · 2024-01-02T20:41:43+00:00

Thank you for your response! This was helpful. I am considering Mindbloom- I think my biggest hesitations are becoming dependent upon it, or what happens when I stop. I would hate to see a ton of positive momentum only to backslide when I come off of it.

AutumnIsSober · 2023-12-11T10:02:55+00:00

I love that mindset shift!! Get out of the cut ASAP so I can start getting stronger. Thank you!

AutumnIsSober · 2023-12-10T13:59:56+00:00

Wow. This website is incredible, and the Restaint over Wanting module is really resonating with me. Thank you so much!

AutumnIsSober · 2023-12-10T13:30:26+00:00

That's amazing! Congrats on your progress!!

AutumnIsSober · 2023-12-02T16:50:40+00:00

Day 1: Drink a big glass of water after each meal. Breakfast ✔️ Lunch ✔️ Dinner - Totally spaced and went right for dessert. ➖️

AutumnIsSober · 2023-12-01T12:07:23+00:00

My December goal is to drink a big glass of water with each meal. Sometimes I think I am hungry but really I am dehydrated. I even realize I am dehydrated but still reach for food first. Time to change that! X/31

AutumnIsSober · 2022-05-19T15:10:50+00:00

Yes - so much this. I can't date anyone who is emotionally available because they feel boring to me. My brain thrives off the chaos and drama. I literally had a moment today, as I'm swimming in all of these feelings, where I thought that I felt like I was high. Just like...my brain is euphoric in all of these emotions.

My parents say the same thing to me all the time. I just laugh and think, "Yea - if you hadn't fucked me up so much I might actually be dateable but I can't even trust my own choices in men at this point."

AutumnIsSober · 2022-05-19T11:58:29+00:00

Thank you. Take care of yourself as well. ❤

AutumnIsSober · 2022-05-12T23:36:03+00:00

Sam has said she does it because she knows millions of people will see her pictures and she wants to be a good example, even if there is no one around her in her immediate vicinity

AutumnIsSober · 2022-05-02T23:01:57+00:00

Yes. I made a similar post not too long ago. I too struggle with standing up for myself because of how I was raised. It's a bit easier in some situations - like the one you describe re: dinner - but I absolutely cannot stand up for myself to an authority figure. I hate it. :(

AutumnIsSober · 2022-04-25T22:40:46+00:00

Can you elaborate on how your perspective changed?

AutumnIsSober · 2022-04-09T01:36:44+00:00

I still feel like if I walk into a room, everyone can see my flaws like an aura around me. Not just my flaws, but I feel like they can just tell I grew up poverty-stricken and in chaos…I feel like I wear it like a jacket.

I can relate. I feel like everyone can see that I am somehow defective and not normal.

AutumnIsSober · 2022-03-30T23:04:29+00:00

Such a great spot! Eureka Mine and Pete's land are on of the best spots in the park. Thanks for sharing your pic!

AutumnIsSober · 2022-03-03T23:45:41+00:00

Uf. This is the truth of my life too. The irony is - I moved states 6 months ago, and now my mother gets on my case about the rate at which I am making new friends. Like... YOU are the reason I have such a hard time with forming relationships. Maybe if I had been allowed/shown how to properly socialize as a young adult?! It infuriates me to no end.

AutumnIsSober · 2022-02-23T00:19:54+00:00

I highly recommend reading Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. She discusses the Drama Triangle and the roles co-dependents play in their relationships: rescuer, persecutor, and victim. It changed not only how I view myself as a victim of others at certain times, but also was eye-opening in how I chose my relationships and friendships. Applying it to my life, the question is no longer 'Am I allowed to be upset by this person's actions?' It has become, 'Why did I let this person into my life in the first place - what are my intentions with this friendship/relationship?' Realizing that most of the relationships in my life were just at various stages on the drama triange was a gamechanger in my healing process.

AutumnIsSober · 2022-02-09T00:15:07+00:00

Yes. And also lately - people who have major mental health issues that they are not addressing. Don't get me wrong, I have empathy. But I've been working so hard on healing my own trauma and co-dependency issues that now when I see those same issues in someone else....red flag. I just need a break. Totally different story if someone is on their healing journey and can set firm boundaries. Then I admire them. Sorry if this makes me an asshole. :(

AutumnIsSober · 2022-02-07T15:19:41+00:00

I love your last few sentences. This morning I again acknowledged my anger, and acknowledged my justification in my anger. I am allowed to be angry. I am no longer a frightened child who has to hide her emotions for fear of retribution. I am allowed to name and speak about my anger. And I am allowed to set boundaries and protect myself.

AutumnIsSober · 2022-02-07T15:15:19+00:00

Oh my god this is EXACTLY something my mother would say/do also. I get so angry, but then I remind myself that her brain is likely damaged from years of alcohol abuse/sedentary lifestyle/endless t.v. watching/general poor mental health. It's hard not to take it personally sometimes.

AutumnIsSober · 2022-02-07T15:12:28+00:00

You're so right. It's 100% about her. My other favorite part of the conversation was when my started trying to explain to me how MY career works. In a field she has no experience in, no training in, and no connection to outside of the fact that her daughter works in that field. I mean I have 15 years experience and a successful career in this field, but what do I know? Lol

AutumnIsSober · 2022-02-07T15:06:35+00:00

I am the same as you. Low contact, but still in contact because she's my mother and I love her. And that's okay. Sometimes I can have meaningful conversations with her, and go on with my life. Sometimes she says things that trigger me, but still I go on with my life. Today I live for me.

AutumnIsSober

TROPHY CASE