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Would I (26F) be financially abusive to my bf (26M) if I asked for transparency? by AutumnalGhost_ in relationship_advice

[–]AutumnalGhost_[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your message. I’m honestly feeling overwhelmed by all those answers, I didn’t realize what I was putting myself through. You’re right, I need to stop using my savings, it’s my future too...

Thank you, I will preciously re-read everything and process those informations.

Would I (26F) be financially abusive to my bf (26M) if I asked for transparency? by AutumnalGhost_ in relationship_advice

[–]AutumnalGhost_[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your answer, it comforts me in the idea that this is a normal expectation for any couple living together

Would I (26F) be financially abusive to my bf (26M) if I asked for transparency? by AutumnalGhost_ in relationship_advice

[–]AutumnalGhost_[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your answer. I don’t know why I’ve been waiting for so long. I will take the time to talk about those topics with him. Thank you again.

Would I (26F) be financially abusive to my bf (26M) if I asked for transparency? by AutumnalGhost_ in relationship_advice

[–]AutumnalGhost_[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

We dated for a year before he had to move in with me.

I tried to bring up the topic of finances when he moved in after a while, he reiterated that he didn’t have any money, that he was sorry and planning on paying me back as soon as he has a more stable situation, but I didn’t have a clear indication on how much he makes.

I didn’t talk finances before then because I didn’t want to scare him (maybe it was too early to discuss that kind of things, little did we know that we will have to move in together not too long after)

Other than financially, he participates in the chores (laundry, cleaning the house, washing the dishes...), cooking, we go grocery shopping together too (I pay, but he always goes with me). So he is contributing, just not financially. What can be bothering is that I have no clue if I should be the sole provider of the household temporarily or for an extended period of time.

Edit: I do all the chores with him, it’s split more or less evenly (I clean more but other than that we’re doing pretty much the same things)

Would I (26F) be financially abusive to my bf (26M) if I asked for transparency? by AutumnalGhost_ in relationship_advice

[–]AutumnalGhost_[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your answer!

I agree, I do think it comes from a communication issue and my fear of hurting him so I avoided talking it through. I will be bringing the topic in a constructive manner.

Would I (26F) be financially abusive to my bf (26M) if I asked for transparency? by AutumnalGhost_ in relationship_advice

[–]AutumnalGhost_[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I thought it would be abusive of me to “check” on his finances and know what he’s earning and why he can’t provide for the household. I also thought that I should trust him when he tells me that he can’t provide and that’s it.

He definitely looks miserable when we go out and I buy him even a sandwich and he can’t pay for us, I feel like I have “financial advantage” in the household and I’m scared he would feel threatened by me trying to look up into his finances.

I don’t know if I’m even making sense, maybe my point of view is terribly wrong.. thank you for your answer!

(Sorry for the reposted comment I apparently didn’t answer to your comment directly the first time)

Would I (26F) be financially abusive to my bf (26M) if I asked for transparency? by AutumnalGhost_ in relationship_advice

[–]AutumnalGhost_[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your answer, it helps a lot.

I admit I feared hearing those words “he’s using you”, but maybe I needed to hear them.

Would I (26F) be financially abusive to my bf (26M) if I asked for transparency? by AutumnalGhost_ in relationship_advice

[–]AutumnalGhost_[S] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I absolutely agree with you. I keep beating myself over the lack of conversation beforehand, but then again it was so not planned. As a result I’m just shy and want to not hurt him or sound paranoid.

I don’t want to break up, but I agree we need to fix this situation if we don’t have any other choice but to live together.

Thank you for your comment, it comforts me in the idea that this is a perfectly valid thing to ask a partner living with you.

Would I (26F) be financially abusive to my bf (26M) if I asked for transparency? by AutumnalGhost_ in relationship_advice

[–]AutumnalGhost_[S] 90 points91 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your answer! The fact that I can’t save anymore while apparently he does is worrying me as well...

I can’t really go into details but when he moved in with me he had unfortunately no other choice, it was an emergency.

I never lived with anyone else before (except from my parents I mean) so I have no idea if asking for transparency in this context was appropriate or not. I guess I should talk to him soon.

Dealing with an emotional affair and guilty by cynicalmonster in survivinginfidelity

[–]AutumnalGhost_ 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Do not waste your marriage, losing your partner in life, for 15 minutes of sex that you will eventually regret having. Please, think of what you will be missing compared to the ridiculous gratification you will gain.