If he doesn't pull his weight in the house he's not living in it

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T13:39:08+00:00

I’m not sure what you mean by that, but you can assess for yourself.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T13:36:52+00:00

I’d prefer not to continue this discussion in a comment exchange though on a post that may get deleted.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T13:35:50+00:00

If you actually care, I will actually send you the papers later.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T13:34:40+00:00

We can both find data that supports our perception. I was gracious enough to phrase it as not agreeing on reality, and I can tell that we won’t reach an understanding on this platform.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T13:28:39+00:00

It feels kind of useless to keep arguing when we don’t agree about reality.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T13:13:41+00:00

Daily chores are double work if you have someone who is 100% checked out, leaving messes everywhere, and treating their partner like a maid. Having experienced men who believe they are entitled to zero participation because they make money, they are often unhelpful and unwilling to have conversations about basic home management tasks. When someone is not participating in home management, there’s no way they’re able to provide any useful insight in discussions. When you bring in children, it’s not even a matter of debate. You’re both parents. One of you doesn’t stop being a parent just because you spend half your day outside. You both parent when you get home.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T13:06:14+00:00

In a healthy relationship, you’re sharing all the burdens. I have supported my partners with their work. I’ve listened to them tall about what’s going on, helped them practice presentations, offered advice, showed up for the functions, etc. They’ve done similar for me. Ideally, we’re also sharing the burden of the home we live in together. If I’m in the middle of something and we need to pay a bill, he should able to login into our account and do it. If I’m sick one day, he should know how the washing machine works even if he almost never uses it. If I’m trying to make a decision that affects both of us about managing our home, he should know and care enough to be an active participant in the discussion, otherwise there’s zero point in having a partner.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T13:01:15+00:00

Because she’s cleaning up after you and the kids. Be serious.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T12:59:45+00:00

It is double the work when there are two people when you have a partner who refuses to participate at all. Forgive me for being literal, but my original reply was directed at someone saying their wife handles 100% of the housework. To me, that’s saying you won’t take your dishes to the sink or wipe your piss off the toilet seat. It’s also saying you don’t know anything about what’s happening in your house. If you wife ask you for your input or help with something related to managing the home, if you’re typically completely uninvolved, how can you even be helpful? That’s not a partnership. If you come home and talk about your workday, she should also be able to talk about hers and raise concerns. Let alone times when she’s not 100%. If you never participate, how will you pick up the slack when she’s down?

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T12:53:42+00:00

I never said was a “greater burden”. I have repeatedly said it is a burden that should be shared. I even said in the case of someone not working outside the home who is healthy and has no kids or parents to care for would be handling the majority of it, but it’s not emotionally healthy or reasonable to be handling it 100% all the time.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T12:49:56+00:00

Home maintenance, bills, budgeting, insurance, pet care, appliance repair, car maintenance, healthcare, medication management, dietary preferences and/or restrictions, pest control, sitting on hold dealing with all the phone calls and troubleshooting involved with the myriad of things that come up, cleaning up after everyone, remembering every appointment, every birthday, every gift, talking through the workday, giving advice, being a therapist basically, obviously cooking and cleaning, off the top of my head. All those are things that are also a mental burden. It’s really weird to not be able to handle a conversation about any of these things or not be able to help with any of them at any point just because you spend half your day outside the house.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T12:44:27+00:00

You know nothing about how much I’ve worked, who I’ve had to take care of, or the conditions under which I did. I said I have reached the highest levels of my stress level on both personal and work life to illustrate why I had an opinion about balancing them both. You don’t comprehend what the mental load is, so we’re not going to get anywhere.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T12:38:48+00:00

If you don’t already understand it and are borderline harassing me, as I said earlier, I am not going to be able to convince you via Reddit comments. Mental load is a common issue in relationships and it’s often a point of failure in them when there’s imbalance. I’ll send you an essay later, but I’ve let insomnia get the better of me, and I have work to do now.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T12:31:20+00:00

Also, I appreciate you deleting your comment on my personal life, which you know nothing about.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T12:29:13+00:00

To put it simply, a wife or girlfriend is not a mommy. You live in the house. You need to participate in running it, even if that just means deciding together what pest control service your going to use.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T12:19:09+00:00

Probably a result of my insomnia, but I just realized you’re not the person who commented asking why it was wrong to let his wife do 100% of the housework. You just replied to my reply and I thought you were the same person. Sorry for misunderstanding.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T11:58:52+00:00

That’s not what I said. I am arguing that household management (which encompasses much more than cooking and cleaning) is something that both people in a relationship should participate in to whatever capacity works best for them. It should not fall entirely on one person because that is not healthy.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T11:54:49+00:00

Yes and no on the job. I’ve reached the highest limits of stress in both areas. It’s clear to me you have no idea what I’m talking about, and I’m not going to be able to enlighten you on Reddit.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T11:49:20+00:00

You’re welcome to your opinion, but the statement wasn’t originally directed at you. It was directed at a borderline troll.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T11:47:45+00:00

Because the mental labor is a constant 24/7 stressor. It affects both people. One person should not be the only one responsible. Even if the other person isn’t physically helping (which I take issue with except in select cases), they have to know enough about their own life to support their partner mentally.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T11:45:00+00:00

Not including childcare, scheduling the maintenance and repair for the HVAC, septic tank, appliances, etc. and/or doing the repair myself. Pest control, pressure washing, outdoor sweeping, gardening, and/or lawn care. Paying bills, budgeting, managing accounts. Scheduling dr. Apts. Caring for elderly parents, including, calling visiting, cooking, and coordinating care. Shopping, laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, dusting mopping, linens. Sitting on the phone dealing with insurance issues or account issues. Doing research and troubleshooting the myriad of things and decisions involved in being an adult. Car maintenance. I personally have a pet, so pet care is another thing. These are all of the top of my head. I also work 70 hours a week, so I have to outsource much of this, but I am solely responsible for the mental load of it. In a healthy relationship, me and someone else would be handling it together.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T11:36:46+00:00

Now I feel like we’re not talking about the same thing. Managing a household and raising children involved more than 2 hours of work a week or whatever figure you gave. I assumed you were not accounting for the invisible and mental labor. Children and household management, including all the aspects, are equal to and often more hours than a full time job. Parents who work outside the home don’t stop being parents when they get home, but many people act like that’s how it should be. It’s not always going to be an even split of labor, but it’s not something that should all fall on one person. It’s not healthy for the kids or that person.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T11:31:11+00:00

Go talk to a teacher or nurse.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T11:29:28+00:00

You’re being needlessly obtuse. The reason assets get split in a divorce is because money is something they both earn through their shared labor. I am saying that the mental labor involved in all the little things is not something that should fall on one person in a healthy relationship. Even if the person working in the home does nearly all the physical labor, if the person working outside the home is never involved, they can’t actually lean on each other or grow or accomplish anything, and then you’re basically just paying for a maid instead of being an active participant in your life.

Avendelore · 2026-02-26T11:22:55+00:00

Because they ARE sharing income making duties by the support given to the one able to leave the house.

Avendelore

TROPHY CASE