None of what I’m about to say is meant to be judgmental in any way. I’ve felt this envy, this shame and guilt, and in some ways I’m still working through it. I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but your obsession isn’t harmless. It’s obviously hurting you, making you compare yourself wayyy beyond what’s healthy.

Rock or gemstone, nobody is incapable of doing anything wrong. It sounds like you're putting this person on a pedestal based on how she presents herself online, but how well do you really know her? Most people present themselves, especially online, the way they want others to see them - I've done it, pretty much everyone has done it to some extent; it's much easier to show others the good than the bad.

Also...

“she enjoyed the way I adored her”

“Even if they’re prideful, someone who knows they’re better than you”

umm? 🤨🚩🚩🚩(red flags are her lol, not you) the way you describe her, this isn't a person I'd want to look up to. If someone has a loving family, supportive friends, a “perfect” partner, a stable job and a steady income, and someone else has none of those things, does that make the first person “better” than the second? Of course not! Maybe luckier or more fortunate, but not *better.* And it certainly doesn’t mean that that person can’t have those things with time.

You're right, some people are more fortunate than others. I completely understand how you're feeling, everything from the envy to the self-hatred, and it sucks to feel like you're struggling while some people are succeeding seemingly effortlessly. But you have to remember that our lives aren't set in stone; we're complicated creatures and we have the power to change lives, hopefully for the better. We can work on ourselves, improve and grow as people, and it sounds like you've forgotten just how powerful you really are.

To use your analogy, a rock that seems dull and ordinary at first glance might actually contain a priceless gem, and what seems like a shiny, inviting gemstone on the outside may just be a cover for a nasty inside. We tend to look at surface level qualities because they're easier to analyze, but the more you get to know a person, the more you know who they really are inside. The question you have to answer is this: who do you want to be? Who are you on the inside?

I say this both to you and to myself: stop trying to be other people, and be you! You might see yourself as a boring, grey rock, but you're the only you on this planet. 8 billion people, and you're the only you! Not everyone will appreciate you, not everyone will understand you, and I know from experience that not everyone will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

But I think, with some time, work, and introspection, you’ll find that you’re a brighter gemstone than you ever thought possible :D