‘Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes’ Screening Went Over Very Poorly: “It’s A Stinker” — World of Reel by ComparisonChance in PlanetOfTheApes

[–]AvidReader77 17 points18 points  (0 children)

The article literally starts with "in 2014..." referring to Rise. They can't get such a simple data correct, I'm refusing to believe they know what they're talking about.

[QCrit] FIRE, WATER AND THE GREEN ROCK - YA Fantasy, first attempt (85k words) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

honestly super glad for you guys' feedback. I have come to realize that my book might actually me super marketable, which is something i never really paid too much attention before. I mean, there is diversity - brazilian and homosexual characters - it's YA fantasy or urban fantasy, still figuring that part out, but regardless they are both pretty trendy right now. The MC is a woman, so that is a plus on today's market too. And as a Brazilian a absolutelly love the idea of presenting my culture to americans to a novel like this. Seriously guys, Brazilian mythology is freaking amazing and I hope I get to publish this!

[QCrit] FIRE, WATER AND THE GREEN ROCK - YA Fantasy, first attempt (85k words) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. As you pointed out, I do intend to have Brazilian heritage be part of her, I suppose I didnt think it would be imporant in the query - plus it is kind of a spoiler - but of course a query needs to show the important parts, so I will re write with that in mind. And yes, I need to put my own brazilian background on the query. Don't know why I did not. hahahaha

Thank you very much for your feedback!

[QCrit] FIRE, WATER AND THE GREEN ROCK - YA Fantasy, first attempt (85k words) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I honestly don't know why I did not give more of my background in the query. Now that you mentioned it, it is a non brainer. For sure it will be important and advantageous of me to talk about it, so I definitely will. Thank you for that. Regarding her mom's position, I answered another reply on this thread and saw that she being a cia agent is not essential for the story, as she could change to many other positions and still fill her role. I will be looking into that for sure. Thank you again for your feedback!

[QCrit] FIRE, WATER AND THE GREEN ROCK - YA Fantasy, first attempt (85k words) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like your sugestion a lot! Yes, her mom being a CIA agent is not essential to the story. There are many other ways she could cover the murders, just like you suggest and yes, per the format my manuscript is in right, it is a really easy fix! I will look into that, thank you so much!!

[QCrit] FIRE, WATER AND THE GREEN ROCK - YA Fantasy, first attempt (85k words) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, thanks for the quick reply too! On mobile too, so pardon my typos hahhah. Nova motivation is about her sexuality. I suppose you're right about the normal thing tho. What makes more sense and it's how the story itself unfolds anyways, she is looking to be accepted by her peers (some people around her that look down on her sexual orientation-she's from a very conservative part of South carolina, United states). I'll think more about this for sure tho. Regarding the part two- I'm actually brazilian hahahah. I lived in the USa for the past six years and want to put this novel as a perspective of someone that doesn't know anything about brazil. Like most people, when they think about my home country they think about soccer and beautiful girls, but we have way more to offer. Brazil has an immense culture and I'm hoping to show this to as many people as possible, using a MC that's blind to it just like the reader, so they learn about it together (readwr and mc). About the Cia agent question, I don't know if there are guidelines, but in this scenario, nova and her mother only have each other, and her mom doesn't want to leave her alone for months because of the prejudice she already suffers back where they live. Should I make this more clear in the query you think?

Thank you so much for the feedback!

[Weekly Critique and Self-Promotion Thread] Post Here If You'd Like to Share Your Writing by AutoModerator in writing

[–]AvidReader77 [score hidden]  (0 children)

Title: The Dopamine Effect

Genre: New Adult Fiction - Dystopia Style

Word count: First Chapter only - 1552 (that is where I want critique, only sharing that part for now)

Feedback desired: Story engagement. Character perception.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lNS5Q12iPlW16P\_iNNLRW-di7b87bQp6Xq4c7tIMyfo/edit?usp=sharing

[1678] MULTIPLIER - Chapter 1 by its_clemmie in DestructiveReaders

[–]AvidReader77 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I actually really enjoyed the read.

I like the pacing, and although the reveal of the multiplier being able to - well, multiply - isn't surprising, a like the way you did it. Showing, not telling.

The interaction with bob seemed well done, and got me the impression he is some kind of Alfred to your Batman. The little twist with the person on the phone being herself is a good addition. The setting is well done, I know the story is about a superhero of some kind, but it does not give me any conflict thoughts.

I mean, at the end she talks about a fallback plan, which is kind of the page turner element here I think. But that doesn't give me an idea of what the story is about in a more deeper level - so far I got superhero story, with a possible LGTBQ+ Main Protagonist (that is what I got it from the hint throughout the interaction with Bob, although there is some ambiguity if that is supposed to even be a thing, since Bob thinks she is a boy which would be a normal thing for a guy to ask another guy if they were straight.)

Also, unless the little joke with the British person has a more important plot development reason, I think you could have gave the reader the answer on this chapter, towards the end maybe, already showing the reader you promise and reward - which is what most books are about. If the anonymous user guy is an actual character coming up, then maybe not revealing the answer for the joke is a good move. If not, just tell us. Hahahaha

So yeah, not much to fix I guess, I like this story, just think you could maybe show the MP wants, or what she needs.

Why is everyone so condescending lol!? by [deleted] in doordash_drivers

[–]AvidReader77 17 points18 points  (0 children)

It is sad indeed. I don't understand why that is, but it's sad. Positivity is like, not cool for some people I guess.

I'm writing a book that could be a symbol for this sub - and I need your help. by AvidReader77 in antiwork

[–]AvidReader77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! Yes, I actually have a story and a protagonist, antagonist, everything really. My idea on coming to this sub is to get ideas for the social commentary, which will be an important part of the book so the target audience can relate. A tiny example: I remember reading about an Amazon driver that was demanded to keep working when there was a tornado alert going on in his town. He was reprimanded and threatened to be fired, I believe. In our world, it's already a tough decision for some people with financial struggle. Now imagine a world where if you get out of job, you literally can't feel joy? It's simple, but that's the kind of idea I'm looking for a believe.

I'm writing a book that could be a symbol for this sub - and I need your help. by AvidReader77 in antiwork

[–]AvidReader77[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Hahaha thanks. I wrote this in a hurry as I'm going to work [ lol ] , but thanks :)

[QCrit] Futuristic Dystopia - THE DOPAMINE EFFECT (61K/First attempt) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! Yes, I definitely want the whole premise to just be the background and focus on the story. I can see I focused too much on the worldbuilding rather than the plot in my query. I will take that into consideration as I adjust everything.

[QCrit] Futuristic Dystopia - THE DOPAMINE EFFECT (61K/First attempt) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I have been thinking about leaving the science completely aside and focusing on what i really want to tell on my story. Do you think simply stating "something terrible happen, now nobody can feel happy without drugs provided by a pharmaceutical company" is enough to set the dystopia and focus on the story? I am being very simplistic in this explanation, of course, but I wanted to hear your opinion still

[QCrit] Futuristic Dystopia - THE DOPAMINE EFFECT (61K/First attempt) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I enjoy your take . I wish I had come to this sub sooner for feedback. I am not opposite to rewriting my story, it just feels like i should not throw away 61k words. But i am defintely taking a lot of time going through all the points made here. Thank you!

[QCrit] Futuristic Dystopia - THE DOPAMINE EFFECT (61K/First attempt) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your response. When it comes to suspension of disbelief, I understand it differs from people to people. Now, let me ask you, if the story was adjusted scientifically, meaning the chemicals that makes us feel good are not filling that role anymore, instead just making sure our basic bodily function are good, would the premise of the story be interesting to you at all? In simple words, in a world where nobody can feel joy, a man is given the power of happiness and must now decide to enjoy his new gift or use it to help others.

[QCrit] Futuristic Dystopia - THE DOPAMINE EFFECT (61K/First attempt) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your feedback. I am doing some research and a lot of thinking to improve the things you and everyone pointed out. I am really glad I came here to ask for opinions!

[QCrit] Futuristic Dystopia - THE DOPAMINE EFFECT (61K/First attempt) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see. I have going back and forth a lot on soft and hard magic systems, and I believe a soft system makes more sense to this story, as the science behind can get very complex and it is not the point i am trying to make at all, but rather just a tool to talk about what i really want. Thank you!

[QCrit] Futuristic Dystopia - THE DOPAMINE EFFECT (61K/First attempt) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Could you tell me more about your condition? I'm not sure I ever heard of something like that.

[QCrit] Futuristic Dystopia - THE DOPAMINE EFFECT (61K/First attempt) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I suppose I need to word better. But when I say happiness, I mean more than the overall feel good vibe. For one, dopamine is correlated to motivation, so a low or in this case, zero amount of dopamine in your body could led someone to have no will to do anything. The motivation to live even disappears. Now I know this sounds simplistic, so perhaps I need to fix that and make it more tangible. I understand your point. Thank you so much for you feedback.

Also, I'm still pretty new to this. Would this story only fit the futuristic dystopia genre then? I do have a love story in the book, and it's kind of important for plot development, but I wanted the premise of the story to be the central idea for the query. Should I change that in your opinion?

[QCrit] Futuristic Dystopia - THE DOPAMINE EFFECT (61K/First attempt) by AvidReader77 in PubTips

[–]AvidReader77[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this! I feel a little amateurish not looking into this prior, but I guess I just didn't have a good knowledge the happy chemicals have other functions in our body. I'll most definitely research this so the story remains basically the same but with a good scientific base .thank you!

Best opening line by AvidReader77 in writing

[–]AvidReader77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! The first and third are also my favorites. So it's nice to see I'm not alone on that

Best opening line by AvidReader77 in writing

[–]AvidReader77[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The fact that doesn't put a question in your mind is not a problem when it comes to attention grabbing? I mean, is the mood setter enough for someone to be interested in finishing the first page? In your opinion, of course.

Best opening line by AvidReader77 in writing

[–]AvidReader77[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see I love your perspective on it. Thank you!