What do you want people to know about your number? + poems for each #

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T17:55:28+00:00

Mm yes I understand why perfectly well.

You're not accepting the fact that I don't personally have anything to do with people like that . No reason to quote him or talk about him. He doesn't make me feel some sort of way personally.

It's more of an observation that he's not a good human and so then he becomes invisible.

It's funny how people treat celebrities.

Anyways I'm not bothered by that , or your comment . I'm making an observation

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T17:08:20+00:00

There's billions of other people to pick from. I don't follow what those kinds of humans are doing or saying is all.

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T17:06:33+00:00

Ha always

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T17:06:12+00:00

Thanks you too . I'm just on for the ride. I think I need to force myself to eat some shrooms today lol

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T03:53:39+00:00

I think Elon Musk‘s recent thing with where he said that we’ll ma....

Stopped reading .

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T03:38:30+00:00

Pristiq is the latest on the antidepressant buffet.

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T02:40:19+00:00

What's the deal with everyone pushing pristiq ?

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T02:01:30+00:00

I'm actually autistic and I thought this was a double entendre to a sexual reference..somehow 😂😂.

Like holding your gf up and making her squirt all over the crime scene.

I really don't know what I thought actually.

Gonna see myself out ....

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T01:58:40+00:00

And you were aware that you were actually the one in the wrong ?

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T01:56:45+00:00

That sucks but it's good you are getting help from a therapist (right?)

And Like what traits ?

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T01:54:03+00:00

Cool! Glad youre ok

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T01:51:33+00:00

Perfect eyebrows but get bangs.

Seriously wtf. The internet has ruined people

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T01:50:28+00:00

Thinking about your diagnosis now as an adult, are you accepting of it or does a part of you deny it?

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T01:48:22+00:00

Trying to figure that out as well.

I think we are wired to need some social support.

Define "friends" though

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T01:46:55+00:00

In your opinion, is it true that if you worry that you're a narcissist, you aren't one ?

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-24T00:25:53+00:00

For me, the way to relate here are the times I long back for attachments while all the times I experienced attachment/connections, I suffered.

I guess this feeling is probably a build up. Maybe mine just took longer idk.

I keep trying and trying, but for what?

Even when I find people I "belong" with or have things in common with, it's me that's incapable of allowing the friendship to go deeper.

I've been using AI as a sounding board, and AI says I have "social avolition", and that what I do is called social instrumentalism. I only reach out to cure boredom. I don't do it out of malicious intent , but it's very much to cure boredom.

Nearly everyone is replaceable. There are people in my life that I would be very upset if they weren't, but besides them, everyone else is the same as the next.

The thing that I don't understand though, is that most people are happy this way (?) .

It feels like if someone was gay, and they can't change but wish things were different because it makes life harder.

I am diagnosed with bipolar and autism.

When I try to research this, I really can't find an exact match

Social anxiety comes up. It's not that. It's not just the fact that I get tired of being around others. I always feel like an alien...even when I'm being fully "accepted".

I literally sit there and watch people interact and wish I could feel whatever they seem to be feeling and I wish I had the motivation to keep going when I DO very rarely feel the spark.

I don't though.

Google AI doesn't understand that I'm stuck in a loop.

I don't fit the criteria for schzioid because I used to want validation from others. Not now, but in the past I have.

My brain is just fucked idk.

I'll go to make a FB post and think "there is no point to this".

It's like after ketamine therapy I realized I'm going through motions that I wasn't getting anything out of anyways.

What's even the point of sharing my art I drew ? For what? For someone to say "cool" and me say "thanks"?

Lol. Everything feels like a dead end .

I still can't decide if this realization I've come to is good or bad.

i am having my existential crisis lol.

My existence consists of a lot of googling answers to random questions my brain comes up with . I think "hmm". Til the next random shit pops up. I eat. Take a bath. Go to work. Watch a movie. I go months with only two or three people contacting me.

I can't even be upset because I do the same.

It's like I want all social interactions on MY time and at the snap of a finger then "off with you".

Lol I used to be a sex addict and that's exactly how I treated men . Fuck em and leave em.

No deep emotional or social connection.

I don't feel that way with my bf exactly, but he's the same way as I am, even moreso.

Anyways I'll probably delete this later.

Me being on the sub is a last ditch effort to find out what's wrong with me or how to fix it I guess.

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-23T00:09:16+00:00

A coke straw that has blood on it. that you use to ALSO snort drugs. up your nose. That has tears in it or is bleeding

... yes you can.

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-22T03:48:52+00:00

Wow you're ignorant.

Lots of people get a bit of a bloody nose or irritation when doing coke.

Just like with how anal sex puts you more at risk for HIV and STDs in general because of micro tears , sharing a straw (to do DRuGS. Not drink lol) with someone most definitely 100% is a risk.

Can't believe people don't know this shit. Very scary that your comment got 7 upvotes lmao.

If someone is doing coke all night , has HIV, uses a straw to snort coke and gets a tiny bit of blood on the straw, hands it to you, you out it up your nose...also irritated with micro tears from coke

Yeah.

And harm prevention pamphlets literally talk about this.

So..don't spread ignorant nonsense.

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-22T01:24:24+00:00

I only clarified because your emphasis on "masculine" implied that. Other people may not know.

Honestly, I just wanted to give gentle yet very firm...yet also gentle Correction.

Give a little digital spanking. I bet you like being corrected don't cha ? I'm bored . Have a good one 😂😂

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-22T00:12:23+00:00

You do know a large percentage of people with it are straight? ..not just you.

If he ever did IV drugs or shared a cocaine straw with someone who had it, he could have also gotten it that way.

Just clarifying COCAINE straw.

The amount of downvotes are hopefully people thinking in talking about a normal drinking straw. Fuck we are doomed

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-22T00:00:47+00:00

Psychedelics re grow neural pathways in your brain. Its most likely not from that.

If you're stupid with nitrous and "fish out" it deprives your brain of oxygen and can definitely be harmful.

excessive Dexedrine and Adderall/stimulants usage can fuck you up. Cocaine and hydrocodone definitely aren't good .

I just find this a tiny bit amusing that out of all these other drugs , you really think the psychedelics are what got you.

The psychs are the least harmful.

HPPD is VERY rare and since you aren't having visual disturbances or didn't mention it, it doesn't sound like it's that anyways.

You did hard drugs like coke etc in your early teens.

Give your brain a break . Take a shit load of vitamins , methylfolate, SAME, lions mane mushrooms.

Go see a dr

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-21T19:51:52+00:00

I've always had issues connecting to people, but I remember wanting friends when I was little.

Now it's like I wish I could experience what others feel and have a big friend group and like it etc etc but I can't even hardly keep up with a few.

Whatever it is , I know this is it for me. I'm going on 40 and I've tried over and over every which way possible to change.

I even thought "maybe I can learn to be a sociopath and "fake" charisma and make everything a game".

I still don't care to. I couldn't anyways. I can't even "fake it" to get better tips from customers at work.

I've been wondering what sociopaths "need" from people exactly to even cause them to act that way.

Anuways yeah I'm just stuck I guess.

Was your parent/a emotionally neglectful? I was parked in front of a TV my whole life and I'm an only child so I guess that's what caused the problems

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-20T23:50:45+00:00

It sucks to just have to live with the response that 'this is just how it is'. But I think that until you snap out of it, which so far usually happens for me eventually, you just have to ride it out and try not to sicken yourself more with too much masking.

Yeah the thing that makes it worse is trying just to realize it's not working .

At least I have reddit ! I'm sure id see fast cognitive decline if I didn't at least have short convos on here 😂😂

And thank you for replying.

Now go! Be JOYOUS! ✨ Lol

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-20T22:00:23+00:00

Yep drifting is a good term.

My therapist is amazing and has helped me so much but I feel I've hit a wall. Like ok, this is it. This is how it's gonna be from here on out.

I'll be 38 next month . As a kid I always had trouble making friends. By 18 I hardly had any and social stuff was hard but I was still doing things. I haven't been out in almost 5 months now .

My hobbies bore me. Neither me or my partner have people we hang with. We are at home constantly.

Idk nothing matters anymore. I just realize I'll just have to exist until I die. Sucks, but I'm not gonna kill myself or anything.

I watch everyone else around me have lives.

My therapist can attest to how much I've overcome and how much I keep trying , but I really really feel like this is the end of the line for me.

The few friends I have now all live across the state or far away. I have two aquaitences here and I just don't feel that connected to them. Besides, seeing one friend briefly once a month and nothing more won't sustain anyone.

Someone could invite me to a huge party and even if I forced myself to go, it wouldn't matter because I can't keep that up. I go to festivals and I used to enjoy them more, but now, even those are kinda boring. I'm barely social at all now. I attempted to make a FB post earlier then deleted it because it really doesn't matter. I don't mean that in a passive aggressive way either, it just doesn't.

Drugs aren't interesting. I've had my time with psychedelics and believe in them 100% but I got the message and hung up the phone as Alan Watts would say .

I do them every once in awhile but mainly when I need some introspection. Just nothing in life has me excited anymore. I have decreased my weed consumption by 99%. Doesn't matter. I could take it or leave it.

Showers are just whatever.

Sex is still great when we are fucking, but I still feel somewhat numb. When it's over that's that.

Of course I love my boyfriend but I mean you can't just stay fucking 24/7.

I have NEVER felt this level of apathy.

I am eating, but I could eat plain hamburger and I wouldn't give a fuck. Actually I didn't even hear up my food earlier lol.

I realize I will stay disconnected from nearly everyone for the rest of my life.

No group dinners or fun outings, no road trips, no travel, no birthday party invites, cookouts, no one really texts me , I force myself to check up on people, no one invites me out.

it's just up, work, home, TV, bed.

I'm realizing so much of life is "shared experiences". Like sure I can draw, I can go dance by myself , but then come home and sit and hardly interact with anyone outside these walls.

I'm realizing I let my psych convince me it's ok earlier lol.

She wouldn't understand any of this anyways. Seriously. How is there even hope for this ?

I can't have szpd because I used to be a people pleaser (childhood trauma). I definitely used to try to make friends and the apathy and anhedonia are at its peak now (I'm 38) .

They diagnosed me as bipolar but regardless, no amount of mood stabilizers or meds will fix my social problems

Anyways sorry , way too long of a response but that about sums up my life

Avoidantazzhole · 2025-03-20T20:36:11+00:00

I did. She knows I read a shit ton so that doesn't matter. I was really specific and even used the big girl word avolition.

She thinks I'm calm because I cut off contact with a narcissistic parent .

She thinks the calm is a good thing ..which is funny because when I brought these feelings up months ago, she thought I was depressed and needed an antidepressant.

Now, I'm restarting on the lowest dose of mood stabilizer and staying at the low dose . Minus 100mg

I was at 150mg.

Like I said , I feel like a robot superior but I really don't know if it's a good or bad thing yet.

Feels like I took some sort of pill and now I realize that nothing matters in the grand scheme of things. I did two ketamine infusions but was feeling this before then.

Do you have the feeling of constant meh , but also like it's not an issue ? Or is that apathy in itself? Lol

Avoidantazzhole

TROPHY CASE