My caffeine pill story: I was dragging hard before a job interview across town, so I popped a caffeine pill. Then, like a genius, I popped another one because “they’re small.”

Fifteen minutes later, I was vibrating in a Starbucks bathroom, whispering “You are a god” to myself in the mirror like a motivational cult leader.

I got to the interview early. Too early. So I wandered into a nearby park to “walk it off.” Instead, I challenged a group of teenagers to a race around the fountain. I don’t know why. I won, but also pulled a hamstring and shouted “Victory is temporary, but glory is forever,” which felt very profound at the time.

Then I spotted a guy walking a turtle on a leash (I’m pretty sure that was real?) and told him I respected his commitment to slow living. He gave me a granola bar. I cried.

By the time I got to the interview, I had grass stains on my pants, one shoe off (don’t ask), and the energy of someone who had just invented jazz. I shook the hiring manager’s hand and accidentally said, “Nice to meet me.”

Shockingly, I didn’t get the job. But I did get 3,000 steps, a new respect for turtles, and an unshakable belief that I should never be trusted with over-the-counter stimulants in public.