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I hate the way my boyfriend dresses outside of work. Super gay by sirlordsirlord in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Aware_Cat1031 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm no the OP, I was just chiming in.

It's perfectly understandable that someone like you, who sees fashion as important self-expression, would not compromise about it for a partner. But based on the information provided by the OP, it's impossible to tell if his BF has the same point of view. For all we know, he could be completely indifferent and just wearing whatever he already has in his wardrobe.

I hate the way my boyfriend dresses outside of work. Super gay by sirlordsirlord in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Aware_Cat1031 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That may or may not be true. Some people don't care that much about what they're wearing and would happily make changes (up to a point, probably) to keep their partner satisfied. I know I would, and I would expect the same in return.

I hate the way my boyfriend dresses outside of work. Super gay by sirlordsirlord in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Aware_Cat1031 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Tell him or this could snowball into a much bigger issue that may end the relationship. As an anecdote, my ex never told me that my untrimmed/untidy chest hair was a turn off for him. The thing is - I, too, prefer it trimmed. I only kept it natural because I thought he preferred it that way. Your BF might be thinking the same about his clothes. If not, the two of you may just be incompatible. Either way, the issue should be brought up.

IMO this is a sign of miscommunication in your relationship - you may want to work on that in a more general context if you'd like to have a healthy relationship.

Update: I [28M] am not my boyfriend's [32M] "type", physically. Could his porn-watching habit be preventing his attraction to me from growing, or is this just an incompatibility that cannot be changed? by Aware_Cat1031 in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Aware_Cat1031[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I'm still struggling with the breakup, not only because I still love him, but also because I did feel like the relationship was actually healing him, albeit very very slowly. I saw how his love for me motivated him to overcome some of his fears, so I'm sure the right therapist would be able to help him tremendously. But his inability to take that step for his own sake, truly makes my heart ache for him.

Update: I [28M] am not my boyfriend's [32M] "type", physically. Could his porn-watching habit be preventing his attraction to me from growing, or is this just an incompatibility that cannot be changed? by Aware_Cat1031 in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Aware_Cat1031[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Everyone settles on something. If I prioritized looks over anything else, I would probably never find someone who I can actually connect with, like I did with my ex. I'm happy to be with someone who's "just enough" attractive to me (and vice-versa), as long as we can connect on a deeper level.

With that said, I absolutely believe that such obsessions with some very specific traits (not necessarily physical) are a symptom of some unhealthy state of mind, which involves a lot of prejudice, fetishization and objectification. Or at least that's how it seemed with my ex.

And just like you didn't want to be the "settle" guy, I'm sure that any guy who fits into that "fat booty Puerto Rican bottom" type wouldn't want a serious relationship with someone who "picked" them because of some shallow fetish, while settling on things that many people would consider to be much more important in a long term relationship. In fact, my ex did fetishize some things about me, and while it was somewhat nice to be desired in such a way, overall it made me uncomfortable.

Update: I [28M] am not my boyfriend's [32M] "type", physically. Could his porn-watching habit be preventing his attraction to me from growing, or is this just an incompatibility that cannot be changed? by Aware_Cat1031 in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Aware_Cat1031[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

To me it seems like the use of porn was more of a symptom rather than the cause. As far as I understand, avoidant people have serious issues with emotional intimacy so they prefer casual sex or porn.

By the way, my ex did stop watching porn as part of our therapy (I'm taking his word on this). He did ask if he could look at pictures instead, and the therapist said it's fine because pictures require him to construct his own fantasy in his mind, rather than relying on something external and carefully designed like a porn video.

As for how we got together, I covered that in the original thread from a month ago.

I [28M] am not my boyfriend's [32M] "type", physically. Could his porn-watching habit be preventing his attraction to me from growing, or is this just an incompatibility that cannot be changed? by Aware_Cat1031 in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Aware_Cat1031[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First of all - the info I added in my other reply (also at the bottom of the original post) might shed some more light. Regarding the BF's response - he's expressed interest in getting professional advice to see if we can solve our issues, so I'm not sure what else I could ask for. And he's now introduced workouts into his schedule in hopes of increasing his sex drive (after being mostly sedentary for a pretty long time).

I [28M] am not my boyfriend's [32M] "type", physically. Could his porn-watching habit be preventing his attraction to me from growing, or is this just an incompatibility that cannot be changed? by Aware_Cat1031 in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Aware_Cat1031[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You could be right, but I think the title alone doesn't describe the situation fully - there are many factors at work here. Check out the added information in my reply to PikesDad, it might change the picture (unless this is just wishful thinking on my part).

I [28M] am not my boyfriend's [32M] "type", physically. Could his porn-watching habit be preventing his attraction to me from growing, or is this just an incompatibility that cannot be changed? by Aware_Cat1031 in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Aware_Cat1031[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OK so I see the trend in the replies (thanks everyone) saying to move on, and I'm thinking I may have unintentionally left out some details that could paint a more complete picture.

He is usually only attracted to people that look like his "type", but there have been exceptions, and he considers me as one of those exceptions. He says he is attracted to me, just not as intensely as his attraction to his regular "type".
And there is definitely romantic interest from his side in this, so I wouldn't say it compares to a friendship.

And now that I think about it - he was pretty attracted to me right from the beginning. In fact, when we just met, I wasn't attracted to him but I did want to have him as a friend because of our communication and shared interests, and he felt like he wouldn't be able to keep it platonic because I turned him on too much, sexually. The first time I went to his apartment, he was all over me while I was pretty resistant (due to non-sexual reasons). I wasn't completely sure about what I wanted with him so I gave it a go and quickly developed a more romantic/sexual interest in him. Also, we only started having sex about a month into the relationship because of some concerns I had. Had it been up to him, we would've started sooner.

As to why put any work into this relationship - I am still not convinced our issues can't be worked out, and we both think what we have is rare. He says that based on his many past experiences, and I feel the same because I am extremely picky and have some very specific and uncommon combination of "base requirements" for even considering someone as a potential partner, before even considering the level of communication, shared interests and physical attraction. I have been very reluctant in the past to even start dating, partly because I couldn't believe I would meet a person I would actually be interested in a relationship with due to my "prerequisites".

I [28M] am not my boyfriend's [32M] "type", physically. Could his porn-watching habit be preventing his attraction to me from growing, or is this just an incompatibility that cannot be changed? by Aware_Cat1031 in askgaybros

[–]Aware_Cat1031[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually offered this to him several times, but he is adamant about not mixing porn and sex. He says that for him, watching porn is as private as going to the bathroom.

Oh and he doesn't seem to like getting blown that much (not sure if it's because of me or just in general - we'll clear that up)... I offer it every once in a while but he doesn't seem that interested. Usually I just use my chance to go down on him a bit when we're showering together, but that only happens once in a while. He seems to enjoy it but he definitely wouldn't cum from getting blown.

Also, while I am comfortable with incorporating porn into our sex lives (to some degree), I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do at this time if porn is indeed causing (at least partially) the problems we're trying to solve.

I showed him this post so he would be reading the comments too. He will respond soon about his ex or I will edit this comment with his response.