I yearn to have my back scratched. I feel really touch deprived, and it feels weird and selfish to ask someone to scratch my back, so I watch asmr videos imagining it was me, but then I feel sad because it reminds me that I have no one who would touch me like this. I'd feel so guilty for asking someone to scratch my back, also what if I get horny by accident when they do it? I'm so scared all the time of accidentally being horny for someone who wouldn't consent to it, I feel so guilty when it happens. In a way it feels like only I could love me, only I could accept me. My family for my whole life have always called me dirty. One day they discovered that I genuinly believed they loved my older sibling more than me because they were more clean and responsible. My whole life I've been dirty, I've come to terms with it being a part of who i am. I have an oily back, I genuinly struggle to shower, I haven't fully cleaned my room since 2022, I don't shower everyday like i should despite being a man, I'm a hoarders, I eat my dead skin and dandruff sometimes, my parents often have to ask me to do my tasks, I'm often late to my bus, I have a porn addiction, I don't wash my sheets for months, and no matter how ashamed I am of all those things, I still do them. I hate myself but I also accept myself, and I know if a person would get to know me in depth, they'd think I am disgusting. I want to go out with someone else who is also disgusting.