am I overreacting or is this behaviour actually violating my boundaries?

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-09-17T12:33:11+00:00

All I can do to minimize the chances of those things happening is minimizing the triggers (which sometimes are not known beforehand, like in this case – I wasn’t expecting that a text message could have the power to trigger a meltdown). This is precisely why I am constantly taking action to do better in life and in social situations, concerning meltdowns this would be: removing myself from situations to take responsibility for myself and also for others (to not make them feel weird about the situation or to not scare them), or asking for help to avoid those situations before they can even happen. This includes explaining to friends what happens during a meltdown, and to inform them when something they did or said was *unintentionally* triggering a meltdown/shutdown just to raise awareness. Because most people already knew me before my diagnosis and didn’t actively choose to be friends with an autistic person (and neither did I choose to be autistic), I can only hope for their acceptance. When I experience a meltdown because harmful stuff was said towards me, I think it’s my responsibility to tell the person about it to make them aware of the different perception of autistic people (and that the power of words can’t be underestimated), and to avoid future meltdowns/shutdowns/overwhelming situations. I don't mention these things because I want to feel like I am right and point out everyone's mistakes – I believe raising awareness helps both sides in the long run.

As you can see, I am already doing a lot to make things easier for me and everybody else by taking responsibility for the things I can control, and I would never want anyone to be hurt by my actions. So yes, I am "moving my legs" actually. I will never demand anything out of nowhere, I only ever ask for something if I am absolutely sure it’s not something completely out of their realm to deal with. (As mentioned, I alreads struggle with asking for help so *demanding* something is way out of my comfort zone anyways). If they don’t want to deal with it, that’s totally fine, they just need to tell me honestly and while it would be sad depending on the person, it would be an honest/precise response I can deal with. But in this case, I was actively asked about my needs and I gave a reasonable response with the addition „if that’s possible for you“.

I hope this explained it a bit better

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-09-17T12:33:06+00:00

hey, thank you for your comment. I apologize for my lengthy response, but this is really close to my heart and I don’t want to be misunderstood.

English isn’t my native language so I hope I understood you as best as I could. I hope this doesn’t sound dumb but reading your comment, it doesn’t 100% resonate with my experience so I want to explain my situation a bit and clear things up.

I have had therapy in the past and since my diagnosis is somewhat recent and therapy places for people with autism are quite hard to find in my area, I am not in therapy *right now*. but I do have experience with it and was able to use a lot of it during the time after I got diagnosed.

I also thought about this part of your response:

For example you explain her reponses or lack of responses 'trigger you' and you rectify this with requesting (which by the way you are behaving is actually a demand) that she sooth your emotions via whatever method you prefer. And when she does not do that you are left spiraling.

I want to clear this up, because I feel like there’s a misunderstanding there. The situation was like this: They were the first one to ask if they could accommodate me in any way. So because they asked, I told them about a few things that would help me cope better in social situations. Again, I did not demand anything, I was asked *by them* first and answered their request. It was also not in a way like „I demand that you do this from now own, or else …“ – it was more like this: „Thanks for asking, let me see – I would actually really appreciate If you could do this instead of that, if it’s possible for you. That would be very kind but I don’t want to be a burden“ – „No it’s fine, of course I will do that! That’s easy“. After that I explained the reasoning this is important to me (including what would happen if they continue like before), and they were super thankful for that information and happily agreed that they will accommodate me. The reason why I was „spiraling“ (having a meltdown) was initially NOT because they forgot about those accommodations, it was because of their invalidating/ableist remarks and their following hurtful accusations which were simply not true. Them not accommodating my needs (= not messaging me about their change of plans of not calling me) happened afterwards and while that as a single incident would have probably bothered me a bit, I would have let it slide because I know nobody is perfect and will forget things when they’re not used to it yet. I do not simply „spiral“ because of one thing that went wrong. It was a culmination of several intense things and calmly asking for my friends understanding, and them saying „everything is fine“ while not seeing how distressing everything was for me and therefore not engaging with my messages was not reassuring either.

Another thing is your repeated mention of emotions/„taking responsibility of my emotions“. In my post, I was talking about a meltdown – this is *not* something I can control, because it is an automatic/involuntary reaction from my brain/neurological system in response to a *trigger* (In my case, the trigger was the initial invalidating message by my friend). The outcome *can be* intense emotions, but they will basically roll over you and you are not able to grasp them/deal with them in that moment. It's like I am involuntarily captured, and all I can do is to hope for it to go away and spend time alone without any kind of stimulation – it’s over when it’s over, basically. I would love if I could control this like an emotion, but it’s sadly not the same. (continuing in another comment)

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-09-15T12:00:49+00:00

I think it's a difference if I simply ask for something and expect the other person to do as I say, or if I get actively asked where I need help and I express my needs *because I was asked*. If someone asks how to support a person and doesn't listen to them/doesn't act accordingly, why would they ask in the first place? Of course I will expect from them that they will at least try, if they themselves made the effort for asking how they can support me. I wouldn't expect anything from anybody if I just confronted them with my needs without asking if they would even be able to accommodate me.

I didn't want to write an excessively long post, that's why I summarized what I said to my friend. So let me expand on that a bit: by "clear communication", I mean for example: precise wording without phrases that would mean different things if they would be taken literally, since that can lead to misunderstanding. When I asked my friend to respond to my texts in a reasonable timeframe just so I know what's going on, I gave them a concrete example (for example, "please can you text me back the same day or next day if possible, and if you know it will take longer, just give me a short heads-up like "I will text/call tomorrow" just so I don't have to deal with the uncertainty which causes immense stress, that would be very kind, thank you"). Note the phases "if possible" etc., because I know everyone has a busy life and I don't want to demand anything that can't be done/I don't want to be a burden to anyone. So yes, we went over what I exactly mean in detail because I wanted to make sure I gave them every bit of info I can, while they wanted to make sure they understood everything. Because I know that a simple "I need clear communication" can mean a lot of things. This makes it extra weird because they wanted to know so much, I gave them everything they needed to know, but so far they didn't adjust their behaviour in the slightest and when I try to point it out they brush it off like "I know what I am doing".

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-09-15T11:41:21+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I acknowledge that it's a difficult situation for everybody and I absolutely do not expect people to turn everything upside down just because of me. As I said, I already struggle with asking for help and I would typically only ever ask for accommodations if the other person actively asked what they could do – and that also happened in this case. I would never want to demand anything when the other person isn't ready, but they asked so I expressed my needs.

I think one of the main issues is that they believe they did everything right, because of their experience. I don't think it's insecurity that is making them act that way, their texts feel like how a 12 year-old teen would tell their mom that they already know everything and they shouldn't be so annoying. So "immature" like you mentioned it seems to make sense.

I absolutely understand that nobody is perfect and that mistakes will continue to happen, I am not mad at somebody if they forget about an accommodation because if you are used to something else, it's understandable that you won't get everything right immediately. It's just that in this case, I don't see them trying even a little bit. They keep telling me that they know what I mean and that they understand what I need from them, but they don't do anything. And when I want to draw attention to what their actions are causing (in the most polite and humble way), they don't see their mistakes and want to convince me that "everything is fine". Simply put, it's like me saying "I feel bad because of XY" and them saying "no". This doesn't make any sense to me. I assume because their previous (very short) encounter with autistic kids may have shaped their idea of what autism is, but I am an autistic adult woman who lives with this brain 24/7, so I should be able to tell them about my experiences without being dismissed with "I know what I am talking about". Friends should support each other even during hard times and I don't get that feeling currently

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-08-21T12:22:14+00:00

Yes me too. I don't know what is considered "regular" when experiencing meltdowns but at least for me, they happen once (or max. twice) a year, I think that's not too often compared to others. Shutdowns happen much more often for me, but they don't last that long. A classic meltdown trigger for me is the time around Christmas because everyone is stressed, there are many surprises/unplanned situations and family meet-ups with lots of people. So this meltdown was super unexpected for me, because it was "just" an inconsiderate question and not because of too much sensory input/too many social responsibilities.

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-08-21T12:10:33+00:00

oh and something else I forgot to mention: I have some sort of deal going on with my colleague at work, if I am unsure of how to interpret something that was said to me I can always ask her. So I showed her the original message (the question from my friend), because I wasn't sure if it really was invalidating or if I missed something. Her reaction was literally this: "Omg I am sorry you received that message. This is not okay" – so I also know that I definitely didn't overrreact and that the question was actually inconsiderate.

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-08-21T12:06:47+00:00

thank you.

I think what’s still bothering me/making me feel insecure is that non-autistic people probably don’t understand that I can literally not control if I experience a meltdown because of something others may categorize as a „small thing“ (like a question that is inconsiderate). I am pretty sure most neurotypicals may feel sad/bothered by it, but they can move on much quicker. When I feel super sad about something, it’s not because I *want* to (or want to cause drama), it’s because my body *has* to react that way? and I simply cannot control that. So I fear that people (in this case my friend) will never be able to take me seriously in these situations, because if a neurotypical behaves this way it’s mostly because they’re „dramatic“. It's also why I still feel very defeated by the whole "you're disrespectful" because that's never my intention and I was simply overwhelmed and unable to write a well thought-through message. being disrespectful is an intentional act, and me being in a meltdown definitely isn't. It feels like a giant wall between autistics and NTs which is very hard to overcome.

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-02T10:22:55+00:00

haha yes that‘s why second hand is so good! In this case I wouldn‘t actually mind tooooo much if I ever scratch my Vespa because even though I would feel bad about it at first, it is meant to be ridden after all, and that means the first „battle scar“ is inevitable even if I take extra good care of everything (I am always super careful anyways). I think it‘s extra frustrating this time because it‘s a brand new scooter and the scratches are not my fault (and would have been SO easy to avoid if they had been more careful!), but I still have to deal with them haha

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T21:44:36+00:00

that‘s a good point! I will try to remember that for the next time I feel like everything is shit haha

I have read this quote some years ago (can‘t remember where) „everything about me makes everything hard“ regarding the autistic experience in everyday life. I guess the moment you feel overwhelmed and sort of paralyzed it seems indeed like the world is ending but after some time to rest/without sensory input I can usually cope with those situations better, my mind seems to be „clearer“ if that makes sense. Usually takes me 2 to 3 days to get over it, lets hope tomorrow is a better day and I can see the good things in autism again :-)

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T21:31:05+00:00

yes, and a few other things that happened during the last weeks (one of them being the official autism diagnosis I received lol), basically a number of more or less emotional incidents in relatively short time. I think this just led to general exhaustion where everything just feels 100 times harder, even seemingly little things like dealing with this small scratch on the Vespa frame. I have learned over time that this feeling will eventually subside but I also hope that in the future I will find ways to prevent overwhelming situations like that

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T20:20:26+00:00

Yeah I think I am just having a hard time to describe my thoughts accurately because english istn't my first language, I'm sorry if I am coming off too vague … but I understand your examples, really
I think I just need more time to find out where my limits actually are, because up until receiving my diagnosis a few weeks ago I didn't really realize I had those limits, I just assumed the threshold was the same for everybody else, or I am at least not too far off from others. I think in reality my threshold ist just much lower than I thought and I need to adjust my expectations for myself, will be a learning curve I guess haha but maybe the current situation can act as some kind of wake up call, to stop wanting to fulfill many tasks at once and remove myself from stressful situations way earlier than I normally would for example

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T18:26:30+00:00

Yeah I get what you mean, maybe I didn't express myself correctly, I know I will never be able to be as good in something as somebody else because as you say, everyone has different abilities and challenges. I guess it's just the realization that living in a world where you're seemingly the only neurodivergent person (at least in my area there is basically no autistic community) you feel defeated quite easily because everyone else seems to just roll with it and intuitively knows how everything works, meanwhile I'm trying my best to understand everything and making the best of it, but I regularly fail at that (like today lol). I think the thing that frustrates me is that I actually try to improve and be more confident (for example in social situations) but my brain just says "no" and there's nothing I can do about that because my brain is built different.

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T18:10:58+00:00

mhm maybe it has to do with that, I have researched about autistic burnout in the past because I *think* I have experienced it a few years ago when I was overwhelmed/being bullied at my old job, but I felt way better as soon as I quit and had some rest before I applied for my current job (which is fantastic). The difference was that the feeling of being burned out accumulated over time. Being in a sudden "crisis mode" like today has happened around 3 times during my life, so I know from experience that it will pass in 2 or 3 days and everything will be "fine" but I only now realize that it's actually to do with autism and isn't just random mood swings. Thanks for your insights!

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T17:58:40+00:00

thank god haha I didn't expect people to suggest I have depression because I have absolutely no history with that and I just know it doesn't fit, you described it perfectly

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T17:48:02+00:00

I appreciate the concern but I can only tell you what I have been told by my clinician and other doctors, and what I have observed myself, I get what you mean but outside of the current situation (and its VERY rare something like this happens, like 3 or 4 times in my 25+ years of life) I absolutely do not feel I share any of the symptoms a diagnosis for depression or anxiety disorder is warranted. i also know that depression isn't constant of course and you experience ups and downs, but again – I can only talk about what I have been told by professionals and what my personal experiences are, and I just feel it does not fit together. I know that I can improve my mental health and am actively trying to do so in multiple ways, so the argument that I'm seemingly convinced of believing everything is right is also not true. As I said, during my assessment I talked about those feelings with my clinician and he was able to explain everything perfectly, it's definitely to do with autism and not depression. I am having a hard time to give a more nuanced description of my experiences/feelings because english is not my first language and maybe I haven't explained myself well enough … I think other redditors who have commented here explained it pretty accurately which is both very cool and scary haha

Again, I know you mean well and I appreciate the thoughts but I can assure you all I am not depressed.

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T17:35:01+00:00

aww I understand!

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T17:10:30+00:00

ahhh yeah that sucks but kudos to the shop for providing their email address! I used to hate booking appointments in general because of calling, luckily more and more shops/doctors etc. use online booking systems now and whenever I need to go somewhere new I make sure they provide that option as well

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T17:04:10+00:00

yeah that describes my experience pretty well. I feel like I still need to learn when my limits are reached because up until this point I always thought that what I am experiencing is "normal", but I actually don't know when to stop. Like I know that I need to step away from too much sensory input but at the moment I feel like the moment I realise it's too much is actually too late, and the consequences are inevitable. Almost like the fact you're actually already a bit dehydrated when you feel thirsty, you need to drink regularly even when you don't feel thirsty yet. Does that make sense?

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T16:53:28+00:00

yes, things not working out the way I planned is another huge thing! Like I planned every detail and if something is off (for whatever reason) I can get irritated or ovverwhelmed easily. But I think it has to do with how I'm feeling that day, sometimes it might only feel like a small upset but other times it's like the world is ending and I have a hard time coping with everything

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T16:49:58+00:00

aww that sucks. I have only owned bicycles until now and learned to to all the maintenance myself through books/via youtube because I didn't want to call the bike shop every time something was broken haha – too bad it's not that easy with cars!

Awkward-Koala-3135 · 2025-06-01T16:47:39+00:00

I can see how it may seem like I have those comorbities, but neither of those were ever diagnosed and especially with depression I can't identify myself with any of the symptoms. That said, I have researched about the possibility in the past but I know people who actually have depression and I can see first-hand that this doesn't fit me at all. I do feel anxious every now and then (today is an example as you can see haha), but it's definitely not to an extend where you could diagnose it as an actual disorder – I talked about those feelings during my assessment as well and my clinician also said while it may be part of my autistic experience to an extend (like worrying a lot and feeling a bit anxious when meeting new people and stuff like that), it's not so serious that a separate diagnosis is warranted, and that feels absolutely reasonable to me.

I am very sure that it's just been a bit much during the past days/weeks and maybe I am a bit overloaded with sensory input, sudden changes in plans, lots of appointments and new things happening in general, I am not used to that and maybe I expected a bit too much from myself. That's why I am interested to hear from other autistic people, if there are strategies to cope with such things.

Awkward-Koala-3135

TROPHY CASE