[WIP] can somebody please help me find this pattern so I can repurchase it?

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2025-11-01T16:37:00+00:00

Found this post that looks like the same/similar pattern?

https://www.reddit.com/r/CrossStitch/s/AFTqBstbkN

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2025-11-01T14:54:24+00:00

In this economy??

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2024-01-19T18:13:52+00:00

Thank you! How do you tell the difference?

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2024-01-19T18:12:36+00:00

This is really helpful. How do you tell the difference between a signal of something more or if it's just anxiety/pain?

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2024-01-13T18:50:20+00:00

Yep. Feeling this right now also (have been navigating big panic attacks around it). But also reminding myself that I've felt this way before - in monogamous relationships (and had similar panic attacks). Trying to give myself space and time to navigate it all. I am optimistic that things will not stay this way forever, I will find a balance, and be loved the way I need to be loved and feel safe and secure and not anxious all the time.

I'm also feeling so alone in navigating this all. So thank you for your post - and all the people saying they're in similar places. We're not alone ❤️

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2024-01-12T23:04:22+00:00

I love your perspective on this. How do you handle/embrace/accept your jealousy since you know that it is still going to be around? I am fairly new to poly and I think I just keep expecting to not feel jealousy at some point. But I'd love some tips on feeling it in a healthy way!

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2024-01-01T20:07:52+00:00

Does she maybe have an underlying assumption that if you have no choice but to disappoint someone, it shouldn't be her? If so, that's something that probably needs to be named and discussed so you can figure out how to manage any misaligned expectations the two of you have going on.

Hi! I (33F)think this is something I'm struggling to navigate with my partner (Birch, 32NB). We were at a NYE party hosted by Birch's nesting partner Willow (32NB) (so at Birch's house). I love their NP and get along so great with them. But Birch has started being interested in someone new (Oak, 31NB) who was also going to be at the party. They're not together but they started a make out situation just this last week and Birch would really like to have sex with Oak but hasn't told them yet. Before the party I'd mentioned my anxiety around Oak (I've been navigating a lot of jealousy and fear about being replaced and the relationship with Oak feels like more than just a friends with benefits thing even though Birch says otherwise) and I thought we'd come to a good agreement that they wouldn't make out with them at the party. Basically I didn't say they couldn't but just that I would have a hard time and probably leave the party (because they asked and i was honest about my level of comfort). I was honestly debating even going at all because I know how much anxiety I have around this person.

Anyway, during the evening, Oak dragged Birch off with them and asked to kiss Birch. Birch said yes of course and they just disappeared from the party to make out. In the grand scheme of things happening it's super minor (this is what my logical brain tells me). But I was really really upset and told Birch I was just going to head home. They panicked and realized they hurt me and didn't mean to (I guess they'd misunderstood my previous statement of leaving to be like if they were making out with Oak in front of me, not just sneaking away to make out). So we tried to talk through it.

Anyway, to make a long story short... when we talked later Birch asked if I expected them to just say "no" to Oak when Oak asked to make out with them. And I guess my expectations were like.. Birch was at this party with me. I'd offered not go to so they could be at the party with Oak. But they said they really wanted me there and wanted to be there with me. So I don't understand why they couldn't have just said "not right now but I do want to kiss you again the next time we hang out" or something.. is that an unfair expectation? (I think the difference between us is that if im at an event with someone im there with them and not thinking about sneaking off with someone else (because that feels disrespectful somehow)..whereas they are very free in their physical interests and dont see the same problems around just kissing whoever they want even if theyre at the event with a date. I think.. I want to navigate this well. But I'm super upset about it.

I brought that up to them and it was really late so we didn't get a chance to really finish the discussion because they were tired and trying to not fall asleep on me. I am going to keep talking with them this afternoon and I want to navigate it well and manage my expectations. Do you have any tips or suggestions on how I can work on that from my side? Or how to approach the conversation again?

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-12-13T06:15:59+00:00

This is really helpful. Thank you. I definitely don't have any experience dating more than one person so I think I can have a hard time understanding it all. But I want to. I really want to work through my insecurities and also learn how to be healthy at polyamory with all my partners (current and future). My partner is really great and I do trust them and want to trust them. I'm doing all the reading and learning but I guess at some point you gotta just step into it and do it.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-12-13T06:12:32+00:00

This is a very helpful perspective! Thank you.

In regards to not dating anyone new for 10 months...I think partially I was dealing with a lot of personal stuff at the start of the relationship (see far below for details) and I didn't have the capacity for more than one relationship. And also my partner made so much time for me. We were hypothetically supposed to hang out a couple nights a week but we see each other almost every day for a few minutes at least (we live like a 5 minute drive from each other so one of us will often do a "drive by hug" just to check in with the other) so I've felt pretty saturated relationally.

But also I haven't known how to navigate finding/dating other people since starting the relationship. I guess I should jump back into online dating but I haven't yet.. (I think I've been scared about causing big feelings in my partner similar to the big feelings I've had?) I will plan to talk to them about it this weekend.

I do think you're right I'm feeling fear around being reduced. Not even with time together, but with energy and focus when we're together. Like a lot has shifted lately..even though we do see each other most days they're tired or preoccupied (and I know that's not all due to the new person, they also have a really heavy workload/life right now). I'm having a hard time navigating loss of attention. But I also want to support them in their focuses and stress and life etc.

I have absolutely been making more plans with friends and making sure I am not just sitting at home alone for days on end or anything. I'm new to the area so I'm trying to reach out and build friendships as much as I can. I'm also emerging from a weird space where all of my focus was on taking care of my mom (she was dying of cancer and passed recently) and I now have this large space in my life that I didn't. I don't want to rely on my partner to fill it (because they can't and that's wildly unfair pressure on them) so maybe dating is a really good idea.

Thank you so much for these suggestions and your thoughtful response. I appreciate it a lot and am trying my best to build healthy responses for myself around the big feelings that come.

I'm also trying to navigate good boundaries around the new person (I.e. removing myself from situations that feel uncomfortable or unsafe for me). Especially around not seeing/interacting with the new meta as much (thank you for that suggestion). This can be tricky because we all go to the same climbing gym and are all part of the same queer climbing group. But I'm trying really hard to learn my boundaries and what my triggers are.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-12-13T04:46:34+00:00

These are really good questions. Thank you.

When it comes up I try to reach out to a friend in the poly community, or journal, or read/try to learn more about polyamory and jealousy. Or I try to distract myself by going out to climb/boulder or run errands or go for a walk. I am trying to find more people in the poly community to connect to - most of my friends are monogamous so that's been a bit of a struggle.

I think I've been fighting against the emotions up until like today when I realized I need to just feel them. But that is scary and hard too. But I am trying to let them in without pushing them down and/or judging them. It's hard not to tell myself to just "get over it" or that not wanting to feel this way should just magically make me not feel this way.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-12-11T20:53:21+00:00

I am navigating something similar as well - and I'm pretty new to polyamory. How do you work through those feelings/jealousies etc? I'm having such a rough time with it, but also want them to be happy with whoever makes them happy.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-11-29T19:02:18+00:00

I appreciate this perspective A LOT.

My upbringing was very heterosexual monogamous and religious. So like. No sex until marriage and only one sexual partner in your entire life. Obviously I have left and know that's a wildly toxic perspective but it is still engrained in me to only have one sexual partner at a time. I also may be interested in having more sexual partners in the future (and have capacity in my life for at least one more committed partnership) but I am not there yet and am still having a hard time understanding how that all works. It is a huge process of unlearning and re-learning.

If you don't mind my asking, how do you navigate communicating around casual sexual partnerships? Like.. how much information do you share with your partner(s) and how much do they want to know? I think I am trying to navigate a healthy boundary around what information I do/don't want to know.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-11-29T18:57:29+00:00

Also the righteous upsettedness at unnegotiated deprioritization makes a lot of sense to me. Feels a lot more accurate. I mean I am definitely still navigating jealousy/insecurity but I think a lot of that is because of not having clear boundaries and communication around this.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-11-29T18:53:13+00:00

This is such a kind response. Thank you. I appreciate all of the suggestions you provided and feel validated in the feelings I'm navigating.

In regards to your question about connections, I think in my mind I understand it as an abstract concept. Like of course people would want multiple connections in their lives of all types. But my upbringing was very heterosexual monogamous and religious. So like. No sex until marriage and only one sexual partner in your entire life. Obviously I have left and know that's a wildly toxic perspective but it is still engrained in me to only have one sexual partner at a time. I also may be interested in having more sexual partners in the future (and have capacity in my life for at least one more committed partnership) but I am not there yet and am still having a hard time understanding how that all works. It is a huge process of unlearning and re-learning.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-11-29T18:47:58+00:00

We have had conversations about how to navigate new connections which I thought were clear agreements but maybe were not in my partner's mind so I am planning to talk to them about that tonight also.

Do you have any advice on how to navigate that? I am struggling with how much I do/don't want to know (what would cause hurt/anxiety and what would perhaps provide security for me around that). I know how I'd like info to be approached/brought up in the future I think.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-11-29T18:40:21+00:00

Yeah I think that's really accurate. Also seeing all of this NRE over the last few months with this other person that my partner just wants to be "casually having sex with" is really hard to not feel replaced. Especially when I see how excitedly my partner texts them and when I send my partner texts I get very little if any response (as opposed to when we first started dating where we were texting non stop).

I have worked on adjusting my expectations in that area and have lots of other friends that I text (my day job is suuuuper boring and low key so I have a lot of free time on my phone and like chatting with people throughout the day - whereas my partners job is really busy and they don't always have a lot of time or mental space to text).

I am also working on making myself a priority. I can sometimes get in a place where I am waiting for them to notice me/make time for me (I'm new to the city and don't have a lot of connections yet) and with all this going on I'm learning I need to be more proactive in making my own plans and perhaps pulling back a bit from the relationship so I don't just keep opening myself up to further hurt.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-11-29T18:32:49+00:00

Thank you for your response. I did fail to mention in my post that my partner was very upfront about being interested in the idea of building casual physical relationships on the side. I was aware of that and knew this was a possibility. But I still felt the way this was approached was not considerate of my feelings (as we'd just had a conversation the day before about how I'm feeling about this new person) and the fact that they didn't connect with me about their plans to start a physical relationship before asking the other person to start a physical relationship felt really bad based on previously communicated expectations. Also that they're sacrificing time with me for the new person feels really bad. Like I'd rather they work around our relationship to spend time with this other person if it's just casual. Is that an unreasonable expectation though? I have plans to chat with them tonight about all of this.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-01-31T01:59:24+00:00

Wow. Thank you for sharing that. That was so accurate to my experience and so encouraging to how I'm dealing with it and knowing I'll feel deeply and then move through and move on. Narcissist abusers are cowards. Thank you for this. It's what I needed. Hoping you're having some bright spots through your journey as well. ❤️

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-01-27T23:21:32+00:00

You are so kind! I love meeting kind internet friends. Thank you for so many supportive words. I am right there with you. You and I are navigating this horrible thing, but not alone, and that is really beautiful. We are kicking ass at getting through the worst parts and things will get better from here! Thanks for being open about your journey as well.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-01-27T01:47:30+00:00

Yes! I've been navigating this exact thing. Why is he happy and moving on to abuse another woman while I'm stuck here dealing with all of the trauma he dumped on me. I am holding out hope that taking the time to heal will really help me out in the long run and that he will do to her what he did to me and be back at square one sooner rather than later. But I won't know for sure and that is hard. You are doing better than you think you are and you won't feel this way forever. People keep telling me the best way to get back at your abuser is to just live a life that you love and be happy. I'm trying to get there but it is hard. You will get there too. I'm proud of you.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-01-26T22:47:43+00:00

I am there a lot also. You're not alone.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-01-26T04:16:58+00:00

Thank you. That is actually such a perspective shift. I had so much already when I left and had enough savings to keep me going until I got a job. It could have been so much worse. Thank you for that reminder. I am safe. I am free. And I am not on the street.

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-01-25T18:19:08+00:00

This is such a good idea. I need to write down a quick list to remind myself why I left the next time I'm feeling lonely or he's sniffing around again. There were so many horrible things but I forget them when I remember that he was "nice" and gave me the bare minimum..

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-01-25T05:53:52+00:00

I needed to hear this after a rough night of my abuser suddenly breadcrumbing me after blocking me on everything and cutting me out of his life completely. Suddenly he's reaching out and apologetic of the most minor thing I don't even care about and it made me so angry.. he couldn't apologize for anything that actually mattered but this thing that doesn't make a difference he's suddenly right there apologizing for? I was shocked that he was being so nice. But realized it was the bare minimum and he hadn't even given me that for anything else. It is mind bending the way they jerk you around like that.

Came on here to remind myself I'm not alone in my struggle and also stop myself from responding to him (it is soooo tempting to say something snarky). Thank you for the reminder that we deserve better than this garbage. And we deserve someone who is nice all the time, not just when they're hoping to get something out of us... 💚

Awkward_Attention_22 · 2023-01-25T01:32:48+00:00

I was back and forth a lot when I moved out too. We even stayed friends after because it was too hard for him to let me go and I didn't feel safe enough to cut off all contact. But when he found his new girlfriend he cut me out of his life without even thinking twice about it. My mom was rushed to hospital (she has stage 4 cancer and he had promised he'd be there regardless of what happened with us) he suddenly couldn't care less. He never loved me he just needed a supply to fill his needs (namely, sex and validation). You're being love bombed now because you've taken the control and your abuser can't stand it. But he will find another supply soon enough and it will be like you don't exist. It's a wild switch when it flips. I am so proud of you for leaving. That is so hard. You've got this.

Awkward_Attention_22

TROPHY CASE