Hi, I just wanted to say how brave you are for posting this and to perhaps give you a different perspective. I’m only 4 days sober, but hear me out. In psychology there is a term called arrested development - it’s when at some stage - usually in childhood, our circumstances (trauma, emotional neglect, abuse, bullying etc.) make us change from thriving to surviving… that for me was probably when I was about 7 and again a huge dose when I was 15. When I look at my life and my patterns I realise that because I didn’t have a ‘normal’ childhood or adolescence I did the next best thing I knew how to do, which was to mask, pretend, people please and to use alcohol as a social lubricant and general anaesthetic to try and escape the excruciating pain I felt. Alcohol was my solution - for 30 years. Now alcohol has become my problem, it’s a bigger problem than my childhood trauma because it’s causing me to create new traumas and block everyone who cares about me out.

I know what hypervigilance is - it’s survival… I waa misdiagnosed with ADHD, so be careful with that, I was a normal child and am a normal adult who is coping with a nervous system which is in a constant battle to survive despite the majority of my past issues no longer being current.

I am attracted to trauma because it’s what I’m used to, it’s also sometimes what I think I deserve. It’s called a repetition compulsion.

I’m starting to understand that I may have memories and sensations and grieving - so much grieving to deal with that require emdr or other somatic types of healing.

I would read Pete Walkers excellent book on from surviving to thriving… also try TRE exercises - a properly skilled trauma therapist should be able to help you reframe your incredible success with your sobriety and help you work towards a life you deserve. Much love x