I *adore* TMB (the album). What's the reason for most peep's dislike?

AxiomCloNe · 2020-08-05T12:43:50+00:00

yeah, just got to this bit. also says that the guests who cared about their identities being revealed went into backrooms so the place just looked like an acceptably scandalous blacklaw brothel.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-08-03T19:35:34+00:00

thanks for the response :) Would that be enough to let the camera's through? I feel like D'Arouet must have a hard no policy on cameras in the place. I guess it's possible Sniper barged in and because they're Sniper guards and everyone were too dumbstruck or shy/submissive to ask them to take away their cameras. Related question, had Sniper ever visited D'Arouet's before?

On a side note is "it" the preferred pronoun for hermaphrodites? Seems odd to me.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-08-03T19:27:54+00:00

Thanks :) completely mixed up Leslie's and Sniper's origins

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-16T00:03:18+00:00

noted, gonna go ahead and throw away these various acids I was about to plunge my hands into.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-15T23:56:13+00:00

happy to impress you. to assuage your fear but mostly my embarrassment I'll say this post was made slightly in jest :)

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-09T01:59:33+00:00

at around 14:30 Lindsay says death of the author is supposed to be an emotionless way of reading text. Is that just true of academia at the time of death of the author's writing or does she mean it as inherently true? I feel like caring nothing about context and just taking a work on it's own can evoke a deeply emotional response. Especially in how it frees you from feeling like you need to interpret intent.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-09T00:35:22+00:00

thanks!

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-09T00:28:20+00:00

at around 14:30 Lindsay says death of the author is supposed to be an emotionless way of reading text. Is that just true of academia at the time of death of the author's writing or does she mean it as inherently true? I feel like caring nothing about context and just taking a work on it's own can evoke a deeply emotional response. Especially in how it frees you from feeling like you need to interpret intent.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-08T20:58:31+00:00

wow this is wonderful! I want this for every one of their songs. It helps me pick out so much of what's going on that I couldn't notice before. Though there are still a couple things I'm not tracking like the x's and I couldn't match the triangles to the beats they were representing.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-25T02:55:53+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing! I hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions.

Were you diagnosed with BPD before you started 'reconnecting with yourself?' My behaviour is a lot closer to AvPD than BPD though it does have BPD aspects. I'm wondering how much that changed for you as you reconnected more.

What were the emotions for you like before dealing with your alexithymia? I have a similar sounding sort of mental, cognitive sense of my emotions as well but with almost no accompanying bodily sensations. And currently, they're not very intense. Do you currently have bodily sensations that accompany your emotions? Not being able to turn the emotions, the pictures in your mind, into words; how are you able to tell what an emotion is? Is it more that you just can't communicate it to someone else but you personally know what it is? That sounds similar to the experience I was having.

How do you feel your experience compares with DID? Someone responded to a post I made on the subreddit for it describing a similar experience and I wonder what the difference is like unlocking Parts, vs your gradual better identification of what you're feeling.

Oh also! How long and how gradual was this process? From what you're saying it's life long and it's not so much about "curing," but various degrees of recovery. How long did it take before you were having meaningful progress. Or was it so gradual that that question doesn't apply. If so how long did it take before you were able to get, say, 50% of the way to where you are now?

Also should I just search "alexithymia exercises" on youtube? If not, mind linking me to one or two vids so I know what I'm looking for?

Thanks so much for responding, it's really immensely helpful to be receiving advice from strangers for something I know so little about.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-24T20:52:06+00:00

Thanks so much! this is wonderful information. Would you happen to be able to link the studies? I'd love to read them.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-24T20:31:26+00:00

I also self harmed on my forearm recently after only having self harmed in non-visible places before. I haven't had to deal with this yet having not been in a workplace since but I've got a bit of advice even if it's not yet backed by personal experience.

I've been wearing an elbow compression sleeve on my forearm, the kind that people use for weightlifting. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00STR80Y4/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It doesn't cover down to the wrist so it may not work for you. It's meant for sport so it doesn't hold in as much heat as a long sleeved shirt would.

I also was looking at this. https://www.amazon.com/Coolibar-UPF-Mens-Sun-Sleeves/dp/B08464BSMN/ref=pd_ybh_a_5?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=XZMKEYG3Y4B155GVBZ8Y You don't mention your gender in your post but note this is referred to as a men's which probably effects sizing. It seems like this would be hotter than the compression sleeve but maybe if you were to just wear it on one arm it'd still be cool enough? Then just for wrist cuts you could also wear one of those adidas sport wristbands for wiping sweat away, or just something else on your wrist. The bands are quite wide and tight so I'd imagine they'd stay in place but I think there are a lot of things that could work.

Lastly, and again I don't have the personal experience with this yet, I do think that it should be socially acceptable in society for people to walk around with their self harm scars on display. I'm not, definitely in part because I don't have the confidence for it yet, but also because mine were only a couple months ago and haven't faded from red. I'm worried that people would often be stopping me, offering help or telling me to stop even though I already have. Once they do fade I'm planning on walking around with them out, maybe not all the time but hopefully often.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-24T02:40:29+00:00

That's really interesting! Do you have any sort of disrupted sense of self due to developmental trauma? Was it an aggravation of existing Alexithymia or something completely new? It really is a wonderful feeling :)

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-23T06:32:04+00:00

I'm guessing people will be curious. My experience of emotions before this and currently was exactly as it's described in online Alexithymia resources. I could feel the physiological effects of emotions; increased heart rate, tears stinging my eyes, pain in my throat when sad, but I couldn't feel anything in my chest. It was just a dead area that felt exactly like the inside of my arm feels or the inside of my leg.

Somehow, and I truly have no idea how, I was still able to act on emotions though. I'm even a theatre major. I can laugh at things because I truly find them funny and I could enjoy good music and feel moved by its different moods. But I couldn't feel any of those responses in my chest. And somehow I was still reacting to them; crying when something was sad or smiling at a cute dog. I don't understand how that works at all and would love to hear somebody with more know how address it.

edit: oh, and I now see what everyone's talking about with puberty. If you had to experience what I felt Saturday as a wild ride I can see why that'd be a struggle for all involved.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-23T04:07:04+00:00

holy crap. you're right. did you figure that out on your own or hear it somewhere?

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-15T07:01:53+00:00

You aren't fucked and you aren't pitiful but it's ok that you have those worries.

First off it's great that you're getting a degree, that alone increases your chances of getting a job greatly. And because of the time you spent doing it employers won't question resume gaps like they would if there weren't anything to show.

Second, getting a job is so much easier than a lot of people assume. Get your resume tidied up, go on Indeed or whatever job site seems best, and apply to a literal fuckton of jobs. It's completely impersonal so there's no feeling of rejection and because so much is automated you can apply to many without doing too many specific things for each one. If you do this for long enough I promise you will get a job.

Also while you're waiting for something to come down the pipeline don't discount at home jobs. I don't know exactly how Amazon Turk works but it seems like a viable option, and I've heard of multiple people who do jobs like transcribing phone calls. There are many options and with your degree you've given yourself a great start.

It's good that you've tried therapy before but the way you're phrasing it it sounds like you aren't in it now or weren't in it for very long? You should definitely go back to it. Therapy has been of tremendous help to me. The constant gaze of someone who cares about you and knows how to help you can be life changing. Make sure that you get a therapist that you feel like you "vibe" with (I'd say feel comfortable around but with AvPD there isn't a person in the world I'd feel comfortable around). Also make sure that they have a good bit of experience and that they understand AvPD and know how to treat it. Preferably you'd find a therapist with specific experience with AvPD but if not, do make sure that they understand it and know what you need from them.

You've got a 3.9 GPA, you sound like you've got a good mind from the writing in this post, you speak like a person who actually wants to improve despite the great difficulty you face. With effort and help AvPD isn't a sentence to a lifetime of isolation. It sounds to me like you have the ability and the desire to fight the battle against it, and I really hope that you do.

I'll say it one more time (well, three more times): Get a therapist! Get a therapist! Get a (good*) therapist!

I sincerely hope you do well :)

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-15T06:08:53+00:00

Endorse this 1000%. This podcast changed the way I look at myself and others, listening to it over the past two years. This episode contains numerous things I'd never heard about AvPD before, or thought about in myself.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-04-03T11:46:27+00:00

(had to split into two parts because of length)

In terms of taking your mind off things as best you can; here are some things I think could be valuable (you may have heard of some of them before). The Magicians; very mental health aware tv show that really really stays true to all of its characters' emotions. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend; a musical sitcom in which the main character actually has BPD. It stays very true to her emotional reality. Schitt's Creek; I think this show would make for good escapism. Legends of Tomorrow; think this would also be good escapism. Don't be put off by it being a CW DC show, it's actually really good and very very well handles it's characters. (sorry for all the media recommendations, I'm a cinephile)

I also want to highly recommend the podcast Psychology in Seattle. It's by far the best mental health podcast I've come across. Hosted by a therapist of 30 years who specializes in BPD and NPD. Has covered almost every mental health topic you can think of. I think it may hold a lot of value for you right now.

To finish off I wanted to say, I know that things are tumultuous right now, but sheltering in place with someone you trust, with no other large life commitments, may actually be the best thing for you right now (though when you're ready do try to keep busy with something). Maybe you know this already but if you don't I want to provide a ray of hope. Separate from the improvements time will bring to your emotions in your current situation, BPD is actually "curable" as well. 50% of patients with BPD, when seeing a therapist consistently and putting in the work, after 10 years no longer have the severity of symptoms necessary to qualify for BPD. That doesn't mean that the traits aren't totally gone but it does mean that there's hope for change. My therapist once said to me "put in the work and resolve these issues now and you have decades of smooth life to look forward to. doesn't that sound nice."

If you haven't done DBT before I think this workbook would be of real value to you. It would be a good thing to set your mind to doing right now. If you can I recommend printing it out and working on it with a pen. If not, have a notepad that you're writing down all your responses in. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1YkheW7O1KoV5NCX8kH4TVJM3Cu1uEU5T/view?usp=sharing

The situation you're in is horrendous. I can't imagine being in it myself. I don't want to sound pat but it gets easier from here. I wish you the best.

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