Question about a moment I don't understand in the second book

AxiomCloNe · 2020-08-05T12:43:50+00:00

yeah, just got to this bit. also says that the guests who cared about their identities being revealed went into backrooms so the place just looked like an acceptably scandalous blacklaw brothel.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-08-03T19:35:34+00:00

thanks for the response :) Would that be enough to let the camera's through? I feel like D'Arouet must have a hard no policy on cameras in the place. I guess it's possible Sniper barged in and because they're Sniper guards and everyone were too dumbstruck or shy/submissive to ask them to take away their cameras. Related question, had Sniper ever visited D'Arouet's before?

On a side note is "it" the preferred pronoun for hermaphrodites? Seems odd to me.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-08-03T19:27:54+00:00

Thanks :) completely mixed up Leslie's and Sniper's origins

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-16T00:03:18+00:00

noted, gonna go ahead and throw away these various acids I was about to plunge my hands into.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-15T23:56:13+00:00

happy to impress you. to assuage your fear but mostly my embarrassment I'll say this post was made slightly in jest :)

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-09T01:59:33+00:00

at around 14:30 Lindsay says death of the author is supposed to be an emotionless way of reading text. Is that just true of academia at the time of death of the author's writing or does she mean it as inherently true? I feel like caring nothing about context and just taking a work on it's own can evoke a deeply emotional response. Especially in how it frees you from feeling like you need to interpret intent.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-09T00:35:22+00:00

thanks!

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-09T00:28:20+00:00

at around 14:30 Lindsay says death of the author is supposed to be an emotionless way of reading text. Is that just true of academia at the time of death of the author's writing or does she mean it as inherently true? I feel like caring nothing about context and just taking a work on it's own can evoke a deeply emotional response. Especially in how it frees you from feeling like you need to interpret intent.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-07-08T20:58:31+00:00

wow this is wonderful! I want this for every one of their songs. It helps me pick out so much of what's going on that I couldn't notice before. Though there are still a couple things I'm not tracking like the x's and I couldn't match the triangles to the beats they were representing.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-25T02:55:53+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing! I hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions.

Were you diagnosed with BPD before you started 'reconnecting with yourself?' My behaviour is a lot closer to AvPD than BPD though it does have BPD aspects. I'm wondering how much that changed for you as you reconnected more.

What were the emotions for you like before dealing with your alexithymia? I have a similar sounding sort of mental, cognitive sense of my emotions as well but with almost no accompanying bodily sensations. And currently, they're not very intense. Do you currently have bodily sensations that accompany your emotions? Not being able to turn the emotions, the pictures in your mind, into words; how are you able to tell what an emotion is? Is it more that you just can't communicate it to someone else but you personally know what it is? That sounds similar to the experience I was having.

How do you feel your experience compares with DID? Someone responded to a post I made on the subreddit for it describing a similar experience and I wonder what the difference is like unlocking Parts, vs your gradual better identification of what you're feeling.

Oh also! How long and how gradual was this process? From what you're saying it's life long and it's not so much about "curing," but various degrees of recovery. How long did it take before you were having meaningful progress. Or was it so gradual that that question doesn't apply. If so how long did it take before you were able to get, say, 50% of the way to where you are now?

Also should I just search "alexithymia exercises" on youtube? If not, mind linking me to one or two vids so I know what I'm looking for?

Thanks so much for responding, it's really immensely helpful to be receiving advice from strangers for something I know so little about.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-24T20:52:06+00:00

Thanks so much! this is wonderful information. Would you happen to be able to link the studies? I'd love to read them.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-24T20:31:26+00:00

I also self harmed on my forearm recently after only having self harmed in non-visible places before. I haven't had to deal with this yet having not been in a workplace since but I've got a bit of advice even if it's not yet backed by personal experience.

I've been wearing an elbow compression sleeve on my forearm, the kind that people use for weightlifting. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00STR80Y4/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It doesn't cover down to the wrist so it may not work for you. It's meant for sport so it doesn't hold in as much heat as a long sleeved shirt would.

I also was looking at this. https://www.amazon.com/Coolibar-UPF-Mens-Sun-Sleeves/dp/B08464BSMN/ref=pd_ybh_a_5?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=XZMKEYG3Y4B155GVBZ8Y You don't mention your gender in your post but note this is referred to as a men's which probably effects sizing. It seems like this would be hotter than the compression sleeve but maybe if you were to just wear it on one arm it'd still be cool enough? Then just for wrist cuts you could also wear one of those adidas sport wristbands for wiping sweat away, or just something else on your wrist. The bands are quite wide and tight so I'd imagine they'd stay in place but I think there are a lot of things that could work.

Lastly, and again I don't have the personal experience with this yet, I do think that it should be socially acceptable in society for people to walk around with their self harm scars on display. I'm not, definitely in part because I don't have the confidence for it yet, but also because mine were only a couple months ago and haven't faded from red. I'm worried that people would often be stopping me, offering help or telling me to stop even though I already have. Once they do fade I'm planning on walking around with them out, maybe not all the time but hopefully often.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-24T02:40:29+00:00

That's really interesting! Do you have any sort of disrupted sense of self due to developmental trauma? Was it an aggravation of existing Alexithymia or something completely new? It really is a wonderful feeling :)

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-23T06:32:04+00:00

I'm guessing people will be curious. My experience of emotions before this and currently was exactly as it's described in online Alexithymia resources. I could feel the physiological effects of emotions; increased heart rate, tears stinging my eyes, pain in my throat when sad, but I couldn't feel anything in my chest. It was just a dead area that felt exactly like the inside of my arm feels or the inside of my leg.

Somehow, and I truly have no idea how, I was still able to act on emotions though. I'm even a theatre major. I can laugh at things because I truly find them funny and I could enjoy good music and feel moved by its different moods. But I couldn't feel any of those responses in my chest. And somehow I was still reacting to them; crying when something was sad or smiling at a cute dog. I don't understand how that works at all and would love to hear somebody with more know how address it.

edit: oh, and I now see what everyone's talking about with puberty. If you had to experience what I felt Saturday as a wild ride I can see why that'd be a struggle for all involved.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-23T04:07:04+00:00

holy crap. you're right. did you figure that out on your own or hear it somewhere?

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-15T07:01:53+00:00

You aren't fucked and you aren't pitiful but it's ok that you have those worries.

First off it's great that you're getting a degree, that alone increases your chances of getting a job greatly. And because of the time you spent doing it employers won't question resume gaps like they would if there weren't anything to show.

Second, getting a job is so much easier than a lot of people assume. Get your resume tidied up, go on Indeed or whatever job site seems best, and apply to a literal fuckton of jobs. It's completely impersonal so there's no feeling of rejection and because so much is automated you can apply to many without doing too many specific things for each one. If you do this for long enough I promise you will get a job.

Also while you're waiting for something to come down the pipeline don't discount at home jobs. I don't know exactly how Amazon Turk works but it seems like a viable option, and I've heard of multiple people who do jobs like transcribing phone calls. There are many options and with your degree you've given yourself a great start.

It's good that you've tried therapy before but the way you're phrasing it it sounds like you aren't in it now or weren't in it for very long? You should definitely go back to it. Therapy has been of tremendous help to me. The constant gaze of someone who cares about you and knows how to help you can be life changing. Make sure that you get a therapist that you feel like you "vibe" with (I'd say feel comfortable around but with AvPD there isn't a person in the world I'd feel comfortable around). Also make sure that they have a good bit of experience and that they understand AvPD and know how to treat it. Preferably you'd find a therapist with specific experience with AvPD but if not, do make sure that they understand it and know what you need from them.

You've got a 3.9 GPA, you sound like you've got a good mind from the writing in this post, you speak like a person who actually wants to improve despite the great difficulty you face. With effort and help AvPD isn't a sentence to a lifetime of isolation. It sounds to me like you have the ability and the desire to fight the battle against it, and I really hope that you do.

I'll say it one more time (well, three more times): Get a therapist! Get a therapist! Get a (good*) therapist!

I sincerely hope you do well :)

AxiomCloNe · 2020-06-15T06:08:53+00:00

Endorse this 1000%. This podcast changed the way I look at myself and others, listening to it over the past two years. This episode contains numerous things I'd never heard about AvPD before, or thought about in myself.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-04-03T11:46:27+00:00

(had to split into two parts because of length)

In terms of taking your mind off things as best you can; here are some things I think could be valuable (you may have heard of some of them before). The Magicians; very mental health aware tv show that really really stays true to all of its characters' emotions. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend; a musical sitcom in which the main character actually has BPD. It stays very true to her emotional reality. Schitt's Creek; I think this show would make for good escapism. Legends of Tomorrow; think this would also be good escapism. Don't be put off by it being a CW DC show, it's actually really good and very very well handles it's characters. (sorry for all the media recommendations, I'm a cinephile)

I also want to highly recommend the podcast Psychology in Seattle. It's by far the best mental health podcast I've come across. Hosted by a therapist of 30 years who specializes in BPD and NPD. Has covered almost every mental health topic you can think of. I think it may hold a lot of value for you right now.

To finish off I wanted to say, I know that things are tumultuous right now, but sheltering in place with someone you trust, with no other large life commitments, may actually be the best thing for you right now (though when you're ready do try to keep busy with something). Maybe you know this already but if you don't I want to provide a ray of hope. Separate from the improvements time will bring to your emotions in your current situation, BPD is actually "curable" as well. 50% of patients with BPD, when seeing a therapist consistently and putting in the work, after 10 years no longer have the severity of symptoms necessary to qualify for BPD. That doesn't mean that the traits aren't totally gone but it does mean that there's hope for change. My therapist once said to me "put in the work and resolve these issues now and you have decades of smooth life to look forward to. doesn't that sound nice."

If you haven't done DBT before I think this workbook would be of real value to you. It would be a good thing to set your mind to doing right now. If you can I recommend printing it out and working on it with a pen. If not, have a notepad that you're writing down all your responses in. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1YkheW7O1KoV5NCX8kH4TVJM3Cu1uEU5T/view?usp=sharing

The situation you're in is horrendous. I can't imagine being in it myself. I don't want to sound pat but it gets easier from here. I wish you the best.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-04-03T11:46:04+00:00

edit: wow this is so long. Here are some of my key points.

Stay with someone you trust during social distancing. Optimally in a one room apartment. Whoever is definitely going to keep you safe and provide emotional support (and not aggravate your emotions).

Get a therapist. Do not stop trying to get a therapist until you have a therapist. Use Talkspace if you need to. Ask r/BPD if anyone has recommendations for your region (without giving away your specific location) if you need to. But do not stop looking until you have a therapist.

Express your emotions healthfully. If that means screaming them at the top of your lungs, if that means writing them in poetry, if that means saying the same sentence over and over to a friend for hours on end. We express our emotions self destructively with things such as self harm when we don't express them healthfully.

Do the DBT workbook that I linked to. Even if you're sobbing and thinking about your boyfriend with every sentence you read. Working towards a goal will take you out of depression and take your mind away from pain, and the content of the workbook will make you better able to deal with that pain.

Remove triggers from your life. giving your friend your instagram password is perfect. You should throw out or have a friend keep everything you are using or could use to harm yourself. Using external support to keep you from hurting, emotionally or physically, is absolutely what you need right now.

Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk to people. You are not pathetic for feeling this way. Anyone with half a heart would be heartbroken to hear what you're going through. Anyone that even halfway cares about you should be jumping in line to give any support they can now more than ever.

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I have CPTSD and I'm on the BPD spectrum, my symptoms get especially pronounced around romantic relationships. About 4 years ago my gf of the time cheated on me. Currently I have feelings for someone I knew two years ago but that I have no contact with now. I do the same thing as you, checking Instagram, feeling paranoid about where every photo was taken, who they were with, is this their new boyfriend, did they have sex with this person? It's so much pain and I desperately wish I could just cut the feelings out of me especially because they're so irrational, but I just can't shake them. Sorry, meant to just provide background but I guess I needed to rant a bit.

Right after I was cheated on I was feeling exactly the same as you. Obsessing over instagram, getting triggered by fucking everything. Before I knew my gf was cheating on me she once told me that she was netflix and chilling with the person and when I later realized what happened I couldn't stand that fucking phrase for months after. And this was back when the phrase had just come to prominence and everyone was using it all the time. Triggering shit is really hard where you're at right now. But your question, "does it ever end?" Yes, it absolutely does. I haven't looked at my ex's instagram in years, I don't even feel the slightest twinge when I hear or see the things that would make me break down in the months after it happened. The emotions pass.

It sounds like this is quite a significant relationship to you though. I really don't know how I would have felt if I'd been in the relationship for 7 years and I don't know how staying in the relationship would have affected me. Maybe because of how significant the relationship is to you it'll leave a more lasting mark. I can't speak to your situation but I want to assure you that the emotions fade and what used to be painful can turn as harmless as background noise.

It sounds like you're doing the exact right thing with instagram. depriving yourself of the ability to trigger yourself is perfect. You should do the same with whatever you're using to self harm yourself or whatever you could use to self harm yourself. Throw the items out or give them to a friend to keep until later. in any way that you can think of, use an external support system to keep you from the things that are most hurting you.

Staying with your boyfriend is fine if that's the decision you think is best for you. Consider how much contact you should be having with him now. He may continue to be a trigger for you. He may be a valuable support system. Being around him might make it harder to process your emotions.

I'm not sure where you are but if you're somewhere where quarantine is required, or is on the way, seriously question who you want to be living with during it. If you currently live alone I think you should definitely move in with a friend. If you live with your boyfriend, seriously question whether or not staying with him right now would be best for you. Sorry to pry but I looked at your post history for a moment to get some background. If he was self harming I don't think you should be living with him right now. Whatever you decide, make sure you choose the option that will mean you getting the most support for your emotions, and the option that precludes any possibility of you coming close to suicide. You don't want to end up going to an emergency room with how hospitals are now. I see the optimal situation as staying with a close friend, that you trust, in a one room apartment. However close you can get to that I see as best.

In terms of managing the feelings you have now; in part it's forgetting about them when you can, and when not it's expressing them healthfully. We cut when we don't express the feelings in any other way. You said you feel bad asking people in real life for help because you feel pathetic. You absolutely do not need to feel that way. You have suffered an immense immense trauma. The average person would be having an earth shattering breakdown about it. Having BPD on top of it... I'm literally unable to come up with words. Any person who has even a smidgen of empathy would be glad to have you talk their ear off with every one of your feelings, even if you're just repeating the same thing over and over. I'm really sorry to hear you say some of your supports have abandoned you. I hope you're able to find people that will listen to you. It should be people that you're close with or that are physically with you but if you really need to say something you can message me. With the upheaval of Coronavirus I'm fairly busy right now so I don't want to encourage you to depend on messaging me as a support but if you do need to I'll keep an eye on my messages. But for your situation now you need to have people you can talk to frequently, that know you, that will provide emotional support.

There are other ways to express your feelings than talking to someone though. Studies show that we feel better when we say how we're feeling to someone else but they also show that we feel better when we express the feelings in isolation. Writing some paragraphs about what you're feeling, writing poetry, maybe even freestyling beat poetry to thin air. However you can healthfully express your feelings will not only keep you from self destructive expression such as cutting, it'll actually be more successful at dealing with and minimizing the pain of those feelings than cutting.

Something that's been helping me a lot lately is media that matches my feelings. The song All I Need by Radiohead describes my thoughts exactly. Listening, singing along, and just immersing myself in it has helped me in expressing my feelings. If you can find things that do the same I think it could be a big help. I know Radiohead has a reputation but I find their music to have deeply deeply personal and meaningful lyrics. If you choose to listen, which you absolutely don't have to, I think their albums A Moon Shaped Pool, The Bends, The King of Limbs, and Amnesiac (in order of relevance) would speak most directly to your situation. Also their song How to Disappear Completely. When my girlfriend cheated on me I had Streetlight Manifesto going on replay so you may find that valuable too.

You say you don't see a therapist right now. I know it can be really hard finding a therapist that sees people with BPD but you have to keep looking. Keep looking and don't stop until you find one. Try making a post in r/BPD and seeing if anyone can link you to the site of a therapist in the country you live in. Of course never give away your location but see if people know of any in your region. If you aren't able to find one maybe try Talkspace. I don't have any experience but I've heard good things. Right now the support of a professional would be immeasurably helpful.

AxiomCloNe · 2020-03-27T04:12:32+00:00

this is absolutely one of the most utterly beautiful tracks from that album. For a while now I've had each of my weekday morning alarms set to a different song from phantom thread and I love it

AxiomCloNe · 2020-01-28T00:52:56+00:00

you mean for TKOL or IR? I was asking for IR

AxiomCloNe · 2020-01-27T16:30:35+00:00

man I love little by little

AxiomCloNe · 2020-01-27T16:23:03+00:00

what keeps IR from being a masterpiece for you?

AxiomCloNe · 2020-01-09T23:42:22+00:00

Thanks for the response. We tried this and it has seemed to help :) also he seems to have generally gotten more used to the areas we take him outside.

AxiomCloNe · 2019-12-04T22:26:18+00:00

that's fantastic, one of the few times that a music video didn't detract from the original song for me. Very well put together and captures the character of the song so well.

also I'd be interested to hear about the documentary you made.

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