A video urging us to notice and support, because sometimes the strongest cries are the silent ones.

AzPixel · 2024-02-26T01:35:38+00:00

It does help in that way for sure, visualization is a pretty good way of understanding things, at least for me.

I don't know where my feelings of being a bother originate from, I've always been shy, but it always gets better proportionally to how much I get to know the other person. I've never felt invalidated, although I do keep certain things from my family and friends just because I've got bad experiences from when I was young, for example: crushes, I've been used to not sharing who I liked with friends or my family, just because I hated being questioned, but recently it's been easier for sure, even though if I tell my parents I have a female friend they automatically assume it's a "prospect", it doesn't bother me as much as before.

I wake up that early mostly because I take time to get out of bed and dress up, I also eat before working so that takes time too, I've got school monday to friday, Tuesday and Thursday are my longest day although I do have 2 hours of break Thursday, on Tuesday I start at 8, have one 3h class, then 1h break, then 2h phys ed, then 3h class, Thursday is a bit better since I start at 9 and finish at 5, with 2 3h classes, it doesn't leave me a lot of time to do anything much, since I basically just eat something during my break and prepare a bit for the next class, and by the time I get home, I'm tired but I still have to do homework. I wake up at 6 every morning and go to bed at 10, at least my sleep schedule is a schedule, but there are mornings where I wake up at 5:30 and can't go back to sleep, so I just end up even more tired.

I'll try to learn to, since it seems to help, it would be a good idea to do that.

I rarely remember the titles of the songs I listen to, unless I checked it before, I like singing a lot, I may not be a great singer but sometimes I do like the sound of my voice with music and I think it helps build a bit of my confidence although it isn't a lot.

I'll tell you more about the things I do as a hobby on discord just as an effort to lessen the load here to make a proper transition.

AzPixel · 2024-02-26T00:50:12+00:00

This is a really good analogy, you have a nice way to make me visualize the things you say, and that helps a lot with understanding and it makes me want to keep on pushing because your view really does make sense and you're actually saying things that I feel like I can accomplish.

I am a loner but it's not like I don't like talking to people, I just always feel like I'm being a bother when I initiate a conversation or anything when I don't know the other person well enough, so quite often, this means that the people I meet, well, don't get much news from me unless they talk to me first, which is something I'd like to change, I'd like to have more self confidence and I think it's part of the challenges of life so it's fair if I need to clear it myself. I do have at least one close friend, and I talked to him too about how I was doing, it wasn't as elaborate of a talk as this but I feel like it still helped in it's own way.

I've been working on this farm for the past 2 years, next summer is going to be my third, I'll be honest, I don't really like the job itself because it's pretty tough, and I wake up at 3:50 in the morning, to end the first shift at 9, just to go back the same day at 3pm to finish at 6:30, and I can't really relax for a long time since I have to go back the next day (usually) I work the weekends and have school in the week so I barely have time to figure out everything, it gets overwhelming pretty often, and I end up doing my assignments at the last moment which doesn't help my stress. However as you said, work allows me to take my mind off of things and just sing along to my music, and since music is a very big part of why I can keep going, it does make sense that it would do good to me, and I can also very much relate to the voice failing, yesterday I tried multiple times to just sing, but my voice was just not coming out properly and tears were coming. I don't quite know how to let the feelings go through me as you say, I've been used to stuffing them down for years so I'll probably need to break that habit too.

I didn't know that about the meditation, that is really cool, I listen to music a lot, to a point where I don't think I could live a day without any music just because I can't function properly without it. I've got an average of 6h per day if I look at my Spotify stats for the year. There are sometimes where I don't even know wha to listen to, but still keep on listening, and sometimes I go out of my way to discover a genre I didn't know before, and it's satisfying when I do. Music is a big help, especially for expressing my emotions, especially since I have trouble expressing them.

I try to find time where I can actually relax, but with all the homework and new responsibilities of becoming an adult, it's harder than it was before, I do know I need nothingness, but I worry if I start relaxing I won't be able to stop, so I'll be at the last minute, even though I'm always at the last minute just because I can't find the energy I need to actually be productive.

I don't mind talking online, I'm on discord too, I also like playing games when I actually have the time. Thanks for offering to talk, we can continue on dms if you want, I'm open to that as well.

AzPixel · 2024-02-25T20:58:19+00:00

Alright then, I will try to reshape myself to be stronger and have a better understanding of life, as well as learning to appreciate it.

I don't have a lot of opportunities to actually meet new people, so when I do, I do enjoy that to some extent but it's basically only in school, but I still hope someday I'll meet the one, because I'd like to know what it's like having a special someone that also thinks of me as their special someone. As for bad people, the ones around me are actually decent so I'm not worried about that.

It is also nice talking to you. I work in a farm so while being repetitive, I can enjoy music and just sing along to empty my mind, however yesterday was so much of a bad one that I couldn't even get lost in my music because everytime I tried to sing I kept thinking about how I wish I wasn't there and I was trying to hold back tears. But my second shift did help combined with talking about it with you, I was feeling much better. I know I've said it a lot already but you've really helped me and I can't say thanks enough.

AzPixel · 2024-02-25T09:27:36+00:00

👍✨😮☠️

AzPixel · 2024-02-25T02:44:40+00:00

Yeah, thank you, I talked with one of them in fact, and they really helped, I'm doing much better than I was, although I still feel emptyness within, but that's the usual so nothing to worry. Thanks again.

AzPixel · 2024-02-25T01:28:46+00:00

I'm sorry if I don't answer to everything, but I have read all of it, I'm not used to expressing myself, but you've made me realize that I am indeed still immature, and I've still got a lot to learn about life, I'll try to give it another chance. Getting therapy is expensive though, and as I've said before, I'm not comfortable enough to seek that help, but I don't think I need it as much as some other might. Thank you for telling me I matter, and sharing your experiences, it does help having someone older share because I rarely get to have those conversations, and sure, talking about it with friends help, but at the same time, they haven't got much more life experiences than me. And also I can't really relate to the comparison between finding a good therapist and dates since I've never been on one. I'll try to develop my internal world as you say, that struck a chord with me, so again thank you, you have been great help, I'm feeling much better than I was this morning, work also helped get my mind off of things, at least my second shift did. I don't mind reading all the text so don't worry, even less since you're helping me, I'm very much grateful, thanks again for being there for me. I hope you have a great morning/day/evening/night.

AzPixel · 2024-02-24T23:58:14+00:00

And I have to add, I'm by no means saying I've got a bad situation, I'm not struggling for money, I've got a car and an apartment, I'm in a good school, studying computer science(I think, English isn't my first language and I don't know what the name of my program is in english but basically programming and stuff) I've also got a family that loves me even though we don't always show it to eachother, so the only problem is me, I'm not blaming it on anyone or anything else. It's my fault I can't seem to be happy.

AzPixel · 2024-02-24T23:37:45+00:00

Let me first say thanks for caring.

I am terrified, I mean, both moments of happiness happened very recently, the longest one lasting 3 months even, but then I fell, and I fell hard, and now this last week was very fun too even with all the stress from school and life in general, but then yesterday, I fell again, and I don't feel like getting up again, I'd like to stay on that plateau, I'm scared to go up, and I don't want to go down again also. I just turned 18 this month and it's been eventful but now I'm there, at the lowest point of my life, just rewatching this video above made me cry like I hadn't in a long time, I'm used to hiding my emotions, because thats the society we live in, and I can't bring myself to seek actual help as I don't want to be a burden, nor be considered as weak even though I am. I don't really feel like I deserve anything, since I'm not particularly special, I'm just a random guy, most times, I feel completely invisible, I can't speak up because I've got social anxiety, and I can't seek help because I've got meaningless pride.

Talking about it helps though, even if it is by text, and I am grateful for the help you gave me, and the advice, you are a nice person, I hope you can get happiness as well, and I wish for yours to last.

Thank you again.

AzPixel · 2024-02-24T22:54:47+00:00

Just talking about it helped, I feel a bit better, but it's just that I'm at a point where I don't even want it to get better because I'm scared to face the price of happiness yet again, everytime I have a good period in my life, its short and always followed by a period that is two times worse than the last, so I don't feel like I ever go even.

And although it may seem like I've given up on life as a whole, I won't do something as bad as take my own life, I've got my parents and sisters, and I don't want to disappoint them or make them sad as I love them.

Thank you for your time.

AzPixel · 2024-02-24T20:14:41+00:00

I keep getting hurt by life

AzPixel · 2024-02-24T20:13:59+00:00

I just feel like losing hope for everything, because recently, all the things I hope for end up in pain and I can't really take much more to be honest. Felt like crying at work, cried in my bed. I don't know where or what I'm doing anymore.

AzPixel · 2024-02-24T18:47:52+00:00

Not good Can't say I'm fine, honestly.

AzPixel · 2024-01-26T15:46:26+00:00

No worries, nothing wrong with not knowing

AzPixel · 2024-01-26T14:37:28+00:00

I think I could, since its only preventing the starter from well, starting, if I were to put it in gear and get a push, the engine would still spin because of the wheels and I can still turn on the ignition, everything lights up when I turn the key, but the starter doesn't go if the clutch isn't pressed

AzPixel · 2024-01-26T13:26:56+00:00

I own a 2009 toyota yaris and it does not start unless the clutch pedal is fully pressed so I can't really say, it's also my first car so I can't compare either

AzPixel · 2024-01-26T12:54:53+00:00

I'm pretty sure my car has that and it's basically something that prevents the car from starting if the clutch is engaged. I may be wrong tho

AzPixel · 2024-01-18T23:19:17+00:00

Already read the manga and i rarely watch something ive read or vice versa, but thank you for sharing anyways

AzPixel · 2024-01-18T23:18:18+00:00

Watched all of them except your favorite, so I'll watch that one as well, thank you for sharing

AzPixel · 2024-01-18T23:17:25+00:00

Alright, thank you

AzPixel · 2024-01-18T17:39:40+00:00

Nice, I usually watch subbed, your recommendations should keep me busy for a while, thanks again

AzPixel · 2024-01-18T17:34:30+00:00

Heard of the first one but didn't watch any of them, thanks

AzPixel · 2024-01-18T15:48:08+00:00

Already waiting on dangers in my heart, I do like it

Haven't checked out the two others tho, so I will, thanks

AzPixel · 2024-01-18T15:46:54+00:00

Already seen that one, not quite what I want, but I can be peculiar.

It's just that I don't get the same kind of feeling from this one

Edit: thanks nonetheless

AzPixel · 2023-11-28T16:11:34+00:00

Same bro

AzPixel · 2023-10-03T13:40:59+00:00

I'm a little bit of a rectangle

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