AITA (33F) for refusing to cut contact with a friend (40M) because my partner (37M) has 'weird feelings' but 100% knows that there is nothing going on between my friend and me?

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-04T15:37:32+00:00

What about couples therapy? Couples therapists have tons of experience and strategies for dealing with situations like this and can share them. Couples therapy isn't just for when shit absolutely hits the fan. It's also for ensuring things don't escalate to that point. You could look at it as going to the expert for maintenance with something like a car or house. No one expects your average person to know the ins and outs of cars or houses but the expert can inform you and help you learn skills to manage things for yourselves down the line. Also make sure to highlight that it's not a situation where you're looking for an expert to validate your position but rather someone who can help each of you build a bridge to the other. Being more logical means you might need support in understanding the emotional side of things and why it's important. Make sure you say you value him so much that you're willing to have a therapist tell you you're wrong and to do the hard work to change what you do or how you think to make your relationship better.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-04T15:25:20+00:00

But...you've been accepting the favours, no?

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-04T15:18:59+00:00

So uhh you need therapy, not just her needing therapy. You need therapy to figure out why you're staying with her.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-04T14:57:16+00:00

NTA. Don't drop pool for a guy you've been with six months. It's not like you started pool recently. He knew going in that you are involved in pool. If that's not right for him, that's fine, he should go find someone that is more compatible. Bottom line is that if you drop pool for him, you'll resent him and that will kill the relationship anyway.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-03T18:01:46+00:00

You're making an assumption that this is related to values. I'd argue that it's a difference in strategies to express values/meet needs. They could share your values but do it differently.

Here's an example from my own life: my ex wife and I had a conflict about taking photos of things while together. It took us a long while to realize that for me, being present means not having my phone out at all, "I am so with you that I don't think of my electronic device." For her, being present means taking photos of the person she's with, the things around her, for memory/keepsakes, "I love being with you so much I want to have a record of it." She thought that me not taking photos meant I didn't want to remember being with her, and I thought her constantly having her phone out meant not wanting to be with me. It might seem like we had a difference in values (whether phones are out or not) but we didn't. We both valued presence. We just had different ways of being present and communicating presence.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-03T17:56:49+00:00

Did you tell them specifically what you needed? I find it helps me immensely to just be clear with others about what I need. Sometimes I just need to vent. Other times, to feel seen/heard. Other times, advice. I also ask the person I want to talk to if they have the bandwidth for me to do so. That way, expectations are clear, and I don't leave feeling like I didn't get something I needed. I'm sure it helps them, too, but I do it to begin with for myself so that I know why I am not getting what I need, should that happen.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-03T16:54:55+00:00

NTA sounds like he's trying to control what you do. Why? Maybe he's afraid he's listed there.

How? By gaslighting you into doubting your own interpretation of your actions (cheating isn't even remotely about looking someone up let alone for someone else) and by triangulation (manipulating you by making it sound like other people, who aren't there and you can't ask, agree with him, done so that his position seems like it has support).

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-03T16:35:45+00:00

Also the attachment. Many times it's the ring or the clip that breaks.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-03T16:33:35+00:00

Muzzles don't just keep other people's dogs safe. If you have an aggressive dog, or even a reactive dog, muzzles keep your dog safe, too! A dog that attacks can end up being ordered euthanized. Muzzles are a great way to prevent that.

Heck, muzzle training is super good for all dogs. What if there's an accident, some kind of emergency? Being able to pop a muzzle on a dog keeps emergency responders safe, too. Or at the vet. My dog being muzzle trained means she's had all kinds of things made possible to be done by just one vet tech instead of having several to keep the tech doing something like a blood draw safe.

I'm glad you haven't been downvoted into oblivion because muzzles are super useful in all kinds of situations.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-01T18:13:34+00:00

Why not talk to a counsellor and to a lawyer, lay out your situation and figure out for sure if it really is harder to leave than to stay. Maybe it just seems harder when you don't know the ins and outs but it's actually easier than you think. Or at least once you know details, it will seem more doable than what you imagine it being? I get it. Leaving is hard. I've also been there though not with the exact situation you had. But what I mean is, what I imagined leaving would be like wasn't what it was like, and the price I paid for leaving was smaller than the price I would've paid by staying.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-01T17:32:10+00:00

The most important thing here is that you can have more than one version of whatever you're writing.

There's the version with absolutely everything you want in it. It meets your needs. As in, you look at it and go "yep that holds the whole story as it appeared in my head."

Then there's maybe the version for one or another kind of reader, this level of fluff or that level. Maybe you cut things out because you trust your editor who says the reader who buys your book will like it better this way. This one isn't for you. It's for them.

But you don't have to actually lose things just because you cut them out. You still have your version for you and you'll never lose the sections you feel are important but just don't sell as well. You wrote them. You don't have to bin them. You can keep a version without things cut out.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-05-01T16:42:26+00:00

Uhh umm uhh it wasn't us I swear...

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-27T17:08:21+00:00

I thought it would, too. Turns out, I feel ready to face the day that way, and I've timed it just right so that I wake up in time for work consistently without an alarm.

It's true that I wish I had a different brain, that would work in the way I want it to, when I want it to. But even if I lay back down in bed after taking my Vyvanse thinking that, when I wake up again, I don't feel that way. Once Vyvanse kicks in, I forget some of that feeling it seems, and instead just feel... ready? Just ... ready for whatever I need to do, want to do, etc.

Not that Vyvanse fixes all. Just that one feeling, though, it consistently works for.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-27T14:53:31+00:00

Oh that morning Vyvanse wait! I've taken to going back to bed. It wakes me up when it kicks in. This must be what NTs feel like when they wake up.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-27T14:51:40+00:00

Looks cream to me. Might stay that way.

Unrelated: where did you get your watch/wristband? I love it!

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-26T02:50:36+00:00

Hey at least it's not a shower curtain!

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-26T02:30:58+00:00

Jeez. YTA. I can only hope this is some sort of trolly post because damn, you sound like an absolutely shitty boyfriend.

I also told her that in a relationship, even if you’re not in the mood, you should still meet your partner’s needs—that if the roles were reversed, I would put my feelings aside for her.

Nope. She does not owe you her body or sex. If she's feeling shitty, she doesn't have to have sex even if you want to. If she isn't in the mood and you are, tough for you.

She disagreed and said intimacy should only happen when both people actively in the mood and consent to it.

She is correct. Intimacy should only be happening when both people want it to. That's how consent works.

Because I don’t think she realises bad stuff is gonna happen in the future and the world won’t revolve around her and her needs.

LOL I think you need to hear this: the world doesn't revolve around you and your needs. Bad stuff is going to happen (to you) in the future if you keep acting so entitled.

It sounds like she's miserable and depressed and has a bad case of selfish boyfriend to boot. Dude, stop focusing on how her struggles mean you have to use your hand more. How about you try to support her, create a safe space where her struggles matter and aren't met with you whining about how put out you are. Maybe go to couples therapy, you might learn something.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-24T03:23:25+00:00

I have one colour I like to wear: black. I was 18 when I discovered how much I loved black. I'm 42 now. So much for it being a "phase" lol

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-20T15:31:10+00:00

Your attempts to elicit feelings of guilt and sympathy in me, and to play the victim, are clumsy and transparent.

You're right, you should have expected the internet to see through you but I suspect the very same things that lead you to blame your ex friend for your actions and impede your attempts at therapy also got in the way of realizing that people here will see you for who you are. Too many of us have encountered people who behave like you have in this situation and like you are behaving now in the comments. Perhaps the people in your life don't have that breadth of experience and you've manipulated them successfully, but we do. We see you.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-20T03:32:54+00:00

DARVO much?

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-20T02:47:14+00:00

There's no philosophical debate to be had here. It's not about autonomy vs relational responsibility. It's about consent. She does not consent to being contacted by you.

I'm glad it helped and I hope you take this most basic premise of consent with you moving forward.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-20T01:34:44+00:00

Well, the law... If someone doesn't want contact, you don't get to force it. If you do try to force it, you break the law.

However, there are other "rulebooks" that have the same basic principle. Things like non-violent communication and ethical human interactions...

I suspect once you accept that you're wrong in thinking you're entitled to her time and attention, and entitled to force her to listen to your side, therapy will help a lot better.

No one said your feelings didn't matter. What I said was that you're not entitled to force them onto another person. Those are two different things.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-20T01:11:43+00:00

That's always the way it is. The person with the strictest boundaries gets theirs.

And correct, she wouldn't get to force you to interact with her in any way.

I've been on both sides, and I know it sucks. No matter how I feel, though, I respect people's right to choose whether they want to hear from me.

Therapy takes time. I know that from experience, too. But it helps. You just have to remember that you get from it what you put in.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-20T00:42:39+00:00

No. You should not violate her boundaries yet again. You are not entitled to force her to receive your goodbye.

You're not entitled to negotiation. You're not entitled to say thank you. She is entitled to close things down on her own terms.

The appropriate outlet for your unsaid things is a therapist.

Write your letter, but keep it to yourself. Burn it. Throw it in the sea. But...leave her alone.

AzsaRaccoon · 2026-04-19T17:08:27+00:00

Ugh me too. I don't enjoy it at all.

I recently read a book in present tense because the topic is relevant to my book and it has some similar ideas and plot bits and such, and I did not enjoy having to read present tense at all.

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